I am a man born anew.

A blank slate.

A glorious yolk, rife with possibilities: fried, scrambled, whipped into an omelette, complete protein ready to serve as vital nutrition to my glorious leader Alucard.

But it was not always this way.

Many iterations ago, an ancestor of mine met a man named Illuminatiated with cruel intentions. 

He was a crewleader in Chicago, self-proclaimed acting Godfather in fact, though that is a hotly debated historical question mark. 

My ancestor embarked on a reign of terror against his city and his men, slaying upwards of 15 to 20 of his associates in the span of several weeks. Though many have claimed these actions were what drew Illuminatiated into his well-documented madness - in which he called his own Consiglieres C-words, believe it or not - that is not what I am here to discuss.

I wish to touch upon an incident that happened within that timeframe, and one of which I seek to make amends for, if I am truly to be a new me. 

I do not carry the vengeance of my ancestors with me, those feelings were exercised long ago, and though the metaphysical damages have long since been written off, the fiscal reparations are still due.

Below is an exchange of which I, on behalf of my ancestor VOODOO_RAY, feel deeply ashamed. Illuminatiated approached me and asked me to discontinue the massacring of his city. 

15:20<VOODOO_RAY[MR]>OK, let me borrow $8m, and of course I will stop the attacks. Agreed?

15:23<Illuminatiated[MR]>When can I expect it back

15:23<VOODOO_RAY[MR]>$2m a week? so fully paid back by the end of July?

15:23<Illuminatiated[MR]>Reasonable enough.

15:24<VOODOO_RAY[MR]>OK, good stuff

15:24<Illuminatiated[MR]>I am going to be *livid* if this reaches the Streets

15:24<VOODOO_RAY[MR]>send now/

15:24<VOODOO_RAY[MR]>It won't reach the streets - you have my word

15:24-MRBot-Your accountant has received payment of $8,000,000 from Illuminatiated.

15:25<VOODOO_RAY[MR]>thank you

Illuminatiated paid my ancestor $8 million dollars to leave his city alone. I accepted this payoff gladly.

But did I stop?

No.

Did I pay him back, as agreed?

No.

It only heightened the intensity of my assassinations. It filled me with a bloodlust so insatiable, it threatened to tear Chicago apart at the seams. 

I killed, and I killed, and I killed, until there was almost nothing left, and I did it all while stuffed to the gills with fresh Chicago cash. 

And now I must break my final oath: that it not reach the Streets. Because in order to properly rebuild, the old foundations must be fully torn down.

If the lineage of Illuminatiated is here today, I apologize. Let's work out a payment plan. Let's restart. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. 

Mr-Kuku what a touching display of humility on your end. I'm sure it took you great mental pain to relate this traumatic historical account.

Though the late Illuminatiated had a run filled with controversy (he did, after all, extinguish the very VERY bright flame that was the John Fareham Memorial All-Star Team) this is a new stain on his deceased record.

An acting Godfather of chairs paid an upstart gangster terrorist the enormous sum of 8 MILLION dollars to halt his comatose Goomba rampage. Embarrassing.

HOW DO WE MOVE FORWARD?

I propose we hold a competitive writing competition where people relate similarly embarrassing stories, preferably including similar coffee-shop transcripts.

The winner will win 8 million.

I have already consulted with the competition commission, they approve on the condition that I pay them 8 million in administrational fees.

Please send me money to fund this competition.