CalJacobs walks onto the street still wearing his Halloween costume from Friday, an oversized cowboy hat, a vest with a shiny star-shaped badge that read "Sheriff CalJacobs", some blue janes and a pair of cowboy boots both of which equipped with spurs.  His head is hung low, his oversized cowboy hat covering the look of shame on his face.

So my Union-sponsored Halloween costume contest/party at the New York Marble Cemetery was a total bombaroo.  Despite my best efforts to promote the event, hiring a band, providing punch and offering a cool prize of 1 million dollars for best costume, no one even bothered to show up to my cemetery party.  

I'll be honest, the party was intended to draw some attention to the Union's New York Beautification Project and have everyone show up to the cemetery and see how we spruced the place up.  1 million was budgeted for prize money, and I was looking forward to rewarding someone's creativity and self-expression with some cold hard union cash.  But instead I stood there like a complete doofus waiting for partygoers that never arrived.

I guess in fairness I should thank my beloved and newly-crowned Godfather FrenchieHorn for showing up fashionably late to the event, 3 days late to be exact.  She looked spectacular in a very funny suit parodying a a very forgettable mobster from days of old.  Sadly as per Union policy she was disqualified from the contest as it had concluded days prior.  I was concerned for my own well-being when the decision was made to disqualify her, as it is unwise to shun someone of such prestige in This Thing of Ours.  However she took it in stride and displayed a great deal of class and grace and did not hold this against me and even promoted me to Earner, so I feel as though I dodged a major bullet there, both figuratively and literally.

So without further a do, I would like to present the 1 million dollar cash prize to RevolverOcelot, who wasn't even wearing a costume but won by default since he was the only other person there at the cemetery.  He wasn't in the best of moods, so hopefully this will lighten his spirits a bit.  Please join me in congratulating him, and hopefully in the future people take the Union a little more seriously being that union racketeering is a massive revenue stream for organized crime, despite the fact that the Union is now in a 1 million dollar deficit.  I am new to running a union and don't exactly know what I'm doing.

My accountant has made note that the 1 million dollar bank wire is en route to you presently RevolverOcelot congrats bro!

And the indignities keep pouring in.  My Union accountant has just informed me that RevolverOcelot has sent his 1 million dollar cash prize back to our union account.  The lack of respect that this union receives is embarrassing.  What the hell is your problem anyways RevolverOcelot?  I extend my hand in friendship to you at the New York Marble Cemetery, you turn it away.  I offer you a Union cigar handcrafted by the cigar union, you refuse my generosity.  And now I am to suffer this humiliation as well? 

Let's not overlook the fact that unless your costume was that of 'mobster in a cheap suit' you didn't even wear a costume.  You won solely because you were the only other person there.  I suppose that this type of adversity towards a labor union comes with the territory, or as we call it here in the union, "The Union Territory". 

But one thing that all unions have in common is we do not back down to oppressive forces.  I am resending you the 1 million dollar prize money DO NOT SEND BACK!!!!!

But one thing that all unions have in common is we do not back down to oppressive forces.  I am resending you the 1 million dollar prize money DO NOT SEND BACK!!!!!

So what RevolverOcelot he do? He immediately sends it back.

Fucking sigh, man.

Well, I may not know a lot about running a labor union, but one thing that I do know is that union officials are often very savvy in the art of negotiation.  And one thing I know about negotiations is that everything is negotiable.

I will begin the first round of negotiations.  I have upped the prize money from $1,000,000 to $1,200,000 thanks in part to a very generous union donor.  We will see what RevolverOcelot counters with but I would suggest that he strongly consider accepting the prize money unless he wants to trigger a union strike, which from what I understand about unions is something that no one wants.

My union accountant has wired you $1,200,000 to you.  The ball is in your court, RevolverOcelot.  Your move.  Game on good sir

One thing I'll say about RevolverOcelot, the man drives a hard bargain.  After upping the prize money from 1 million to 1.2 million along with public instruction for him not to return it to me, his accountant sent it back anyways.  It appears I have underestimated your negotiation tactics, my good man.  Well played.

And now, boys and girls, it's about time I show you the true muscle behind union racketeering.  Extortion.  Always best to be used as a last resort, we will give this a try and see how RevolverOcelot responds to some REAL hard-nose negotiation tactics.

So here is how it's going to go.  I will be sending you $1,200,000 in prize money for winning the costume contest by default.  BUT.... (and here's where the union tricks of the trade come into play)... if you want for me to STOP sending you $1,200,000, you must send me back $1,300,000.  

So what will it be RevolverOcelot?  My accountant has resent the $1,200,000 in prize money to you, kind sir.

To stand in Solidarity with The Labor Union and CalJacobs during these trying times, I have also started sending RevolverOcelot the lump sum of a million dollars.

I find it greatly upsetting that one man can be so obstinate and unwilling to accept FREE, UNION SPONSORED PRIZE MONEY. I will not accept it being sent back to my own account either, I will stand my ground.

Do you think the Competition Commission would accept a prize being refused?

Your accountant makes note that $1,000,000 has been wired to RevolverOcelot from your account. The note "Cemetry Costume Competition prize money" was included.

Hiro puts out his hands and whispers:

"Always accepting donations, so if someone doesn't want the money? I'll gladly accept it"

Hiro smiles hopefully.

Hiro_Nakamura joins the contest with all the timing and punctuality of Godfather FrenchieHorn, absurdly late  Where were you last week when I could have used the help?  Nowhere to be found, that's where Hiro.  Instead I stood in a dreary cemetery all night with nobody but mopey ol' RevolverOcelot to keep me company.  It was a total drag.  The nearby corpse served as better company.

Speaking of RevolverOcelot, it appears that he is not one to succumb to strong-arm union tactics, as he has again returned my $1,200,000 prize money.  This leaves me with no choice but to respond accordingly.

I have attempted multiple times to send RevolverOcelot the cash prize.  It started as a million, then went as high as 1.2 million  He has snubbed me each and every time.  My union delegate, the unfortunately named LiquidFareham attempted to negotiate as well and was met with the same stubborness.  A negotiation is supposed to create a win-win situation between parties.  But it seems that by continuing to send back the millions of dollars the union has sent to him, it appears that the only person he is interested in seeing win is himself. 

So it looks like I will be giving the sum of $1,200,000 to Godfather FrenchieHorn after all but please let the record show that this will be sent in the form of tribute and not prize money, as she has already been disqualified from the costume contest under the grounds of tardiness.

Furthermore, and RevolverOcelot you have left me with no other choice, I am calling for a total and complete work-stoppage at the New York Marble Cemetery construction site effective immediately

WE ARE GOING ON STRIKE, UNION GUYS AND GALS.  THE PICKET LINES HAVE BEEN DRAWN.  BRING YOUR SIGNS, BRING YOUR BATS.  BREAK THINGS.  BEAT UP THE SCAB GRAVEDIGGERS THAT DARE CROSS OUR LINES.  CHANT "TAKE THE PRIZE MONEY" SO LOUD YOU WAKE THE DEAD

BRING OUT THE INFLATABLE RAT