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USA • Wednesday, December 14th• Vol 2, No. 4

Monroe Murdered!  Chris_Vaughn, Isabella, Stiffler, & Ian Prime Suspects

A highly respected associate of Stiffler's crime family, Monroe, was MURDERED yesterday, shortly after writing and publishing the first newspaper released in quite some time.  

Despite the dearth of news, a cabal of miscreants conspired to kill Monroe, and in doing so, killed the one chance at TRUTH that this society has.  We will now describe to you, the submissive but informer consumer of news, what we believe happened.

CHRIS_VAUGHN

Chris hates newspaper reporters.  His lineage always has.  This is despite, or perhaps because, of literally only being known because of his inclusion in newspapers, or for mismanaging writing competitions.  The tragedy of this lineage is that his investigative powers are impressive.  He once wrote a spirited, if misinformed, analysis of writing competitions.  It is sad, though inevitable, that his investigative mind will not be able to focus on the writing contest that ended all writing contests, because of the massive death rate: there were no living witnesses.  But I digress.

Yesterday, Monroe revealed that a direct descendent of Chris's MURDERED LostBoy.  Today, Monroe lies dead.

Coincidence?  We will let YOU decide.

Chris remains a firm favourite of this newspaper, and we salute his dedication, his integrity, and his ever-improving memory.  Let's hope he doesn't blow his brains out, having tutored his son to pretend to NOT know who his late father's boss was.

Isabella

Well, what can we say about the hardest working snowflake in these cities?  We asked Chris about her, but he couldn't rightly recollect who she is.  I think that that might be the saddest thing about that overachieving crew.

We believe that it was Chris who called for the murder of Monroe, and Isabella who signed off on it.  

Chris is a company man to the bitter fucking end, so wouldn't go off-piste and kill someone without getting an OK for it.  Isabella and Chris are known as the "rusty guns" because they have powerful guns turned rusty through lack of use.  Chris's lineage have literally never killed anyone of note, that Chris can remember, and despite this, Isabella appointed him her 2IC.

We ask you, are they the Laurel & Hardy of leading crews?  We'll let you decide.

Stiffler

Man, is this guy out of his league.  When Chris and Isabella told him to kill Monroe, he did as he was told.  Whispered into Monroe's ear what he was told to whisper as well.

Puppets at least have some character - this A-head has none.  Monroe donated millions to this family, and gets a bullet in the head as thanks?  Where's YOU LOYALTY, Stiffler?

You signed off on the signed off order to kill.  And for that, you have made an enemy of the independent media conglomerate behind the Herald.

Ian

Bit of a wildcard this, but it is just possible that Ian killed Monroe because of Monroe objecting to an automobile accident involving Ian and a Pigeon.  Despite their respective linages going back decades, Monroe feared Ian in a manner in which they feared no other member of organised crime.  Ian might well have executed Monroe for being an irritant.  If he did, Monroe would have no objection, and would wish a substantial cash settlement to be forwarded to Ian.  Monroe, until their death, remained a solid fan of Ian's good works, and would have liked nothing more than winning the approval of the likeable, but at times ruthless, flattener of pigeons.

That's All For Issue IV!!  Please Leave me Money and Tips!!