ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

A REGULAR EDITION. WOW.

USA • Thursday, January 19th• Vol II, No. 1

A DISPUTE ABOUT PUBLISHING RIGHTS

You may have observed that 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 has gotten a new Chief Editor in Chief. Your observation would be correct. I am Chief Editor in Chief Harold of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻.

Immediately after last week's edition of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻, LiquidFareham took precautions in case he would perish (if you will recall, he did suspect it would be the last edition he'd publish):

The editor of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 fears that this may be the last issue they publish, as they foresee themselves being murdered as the next victim of the Mystery Murderer (or perhaps other anti-Journalism forces) quite soon.

Being the skilled fortunate teller that he was, LiquidFareham opened a phone-book, found the first Harold he could find (me), and dialed the number.

Then the following conversation followed:

LiquidFareham: Harold, I run a newspaper called 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻, not to be confused with The Herald.

Harold: Is this a prank call?

LiquidFareham: No, Harold, I wish it was, but it is not. Now very carefully, I shall say this only once. My son, LiquidFarehamJr, is an incompetent quack. Normally newspaper publishing rights are hereditary but, in a move unprecedented in the world of journalism, I am disinheriting my very own son and do not wish for him to inherit my legacy.

That boy has eaten too many crayons when he was young.

Harold, I am hereby entrusting the future of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 to you and only you. I don't know you, but I do know that you can't possible to a worse job than LiquidFarehamJr.

Harold: Wow, I don't know what to say. I feel like a great honour has been bestowed on me, at the same time I also feel like a heavy burden is placed on my shoulders. I shall do my very best to live up to your expectations.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 is mine. LiquidFarehamJr is a pretender for the newspaper throne and I intend to sue him in journalistic court for his unlawful conduct.

TheBeast, sorry. I know you were overflowing with joy at having bought the publishing rights of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 but LiquidFarehamJr has sold you an idyllic pipe dream.

LiquidFarehamJr, if you challenge my claim to the publishing rights I will demand a sitdown. I have the phone transcripts. I am not fucking around, don't try me fucker. Bastard. Bitch.

I hope that in the future The Leader of The Streets will supervise these matters more directly so they don't get out of hand and lead to disputes and sitdowns like this.

AN OPEN SEASON ON KUKUS, A KUKHUNT

The events leading up to the Kukhunt have already been (insanely incompetently and amateurishly) covered by a rival newspaper with a very similar name, so we will not dwell on it.

What we will however report on is the aftermath of the Kukhunt. It seems to have had the following developments:

1. KingCharlesIV was not killed by TheBeast after the Wackback incident, but by an unknown third party (Mystery Murderer Tutte is the prime suspect at this point in time, though it is not confirmed).

2. The Kukhunt has seen a surprising amount of Kuku/Fareham pretenders flock to the ranks. Our intelligence division claims that as many as 8 kukus and 4 Farehams have been seen in the wild. We do not know the reason for this, and we strongly doubt there were this many actual bastard children.

3. After the declaration of the Kukhunt, TheBeast has not made any further street appearances. We conject that he has gotten a gag order on any Kuku related business by a mysterious third party.

THE HAROLD ANONYMOUS TIP LINE NOW OPEN

One of my fundamental beliefs as a journalist is that everyone has some news to share. It's just that we don't always have the courage to publish it ourselves.

So: I am hereby opening an ANONYMOUS tip line, which the public can use to submit HOT TIPS, BURNING SCOOPS, or SCANDALOUS HITPIECES.

Just send me a letter and don't put your name on the envelope.

IT'S THAT EASY.

Don't send in jokes about my facial hair. They are not appreciated.

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: ON THE IMPORTANCE OF POST-WAR SPEECHES

The recent takedown of NY/Half of CH/A third of LA has seen something that is quite rare in the age of silent takedowns.

A POST-WAR SPEECH WAS MADE

Coolbeans had to make the first move, but in the end a speech was given and a heated debate ensued. 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 wants to thank Coolbeans, quiet and SassyPeach as we believe the debate had journalistic merit.

The Chief Editor in Chief of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 wants to ponder the importance of post-war speeches for a brief moment. For those in esteemed positions (or those "In the know") they may seem redundant, they might be considered a piece of political hullabaloo, or simply a magnet for verbal shitflinging by the disgruntled sons of the fallen.

However at 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 we believe that it's one of the few rare occasions where the common man can catch a glimpse of the complex inner workings of this world, the motivations of those they follow and pledge their loyalty to, what the current (or past) diplomatic landscape looks/looked like. In short, what happens "behind the scenes".

Be daring, make a publication, do it for the common man. Don't be a publically silent figure.

This concludes this Regular Edition!! Please Leave me Money and Tips just the same!!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. I kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But now you're back, and I have stuff to read. I was just walking by and found you with that unibrow on your face. I should have known they couldn't change you. I knew you'd be back to give us facts. 

Wellerman clears his throat. Um, yes. Another great edition, from the men and woman at the HArold. During such turbulent times and great upheaval I've learned to trust and rely on the pristine journalism and hard hitting facts from the reporters at the HArold. When we had heard about the 'open bounty' placed on the Kuku family the boys at the docks opened a small collection fund for you and your family. 

Wellerman pulls out a crumpled envelope from his tattered coat pocket. 

It's not much, but we will survive. 

In an attempt to secure the publishing rights of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻, LiquidFarehamJr shot my father in cold blood and proceeded to gloat about it on a different street corner, licking TheBeast's boots all the while.

I'm sure he thought this meant that the prestigious newspaper that is 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 would be definitively his (or TheBeast's).

WRONG. MISTAKEN. PREPOSTEROUS.

I've journalistically lawyered up, son. Prepare to get the newspaper thrown at you by the Journalist Court's judges.

If that doesn't work, I'm demanding a sitdown.

Hah_Rolled, when I shoot, I hit.  I don't miss like Tetley, attempting to murder Sam.