ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

FOR ALL YOUR FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE NEWS.

USA • Thursday, January 26th• Vol II, No. 2

CHIMP GOES BANANAS

This morning a monkey by the name of DonkeyKong was spotted roaming the streets, gun in one hand and excrement in the other, shooting random pedestrians and hucking the doodoo at the witnesses of his monkey rampage.

Several high-ranking mobsters got killed.

In and of itself this would not be newsworthy, but it has become EXTREMELY NEWSWORTHY through a VERY STRONG AND CREDIBLE LINK with the next article.

MYSTERY ACTOR APPROACHES PREMEIR WITH PLUMBER SECRETS.

Our reporters heard rumors that a certain individual known as Hah_rolled approached Premeir yesterday with the promise of divulging secrets related to The Plumbers.

To substantiate these rumors we have been given the following transcript by an anonymous source:

To: Premeir
From: Hah_rolled
Sent: Jan 25, '23 21:35
Subject:

Premeir, my pickpocket comrade.
Can you keep a secret?

 

To: Hah_rolled
From: Premeir
Sent: Jan 25, '23 21:40
Subject:

ya

 

To: Premeir
From: Hah_rolled
Sent: Jan 25, '23 21:40
Subject:

Will you pinky swear on it with me?
I need to be sure.

 

To: Hah_rolled
From: Premeir
Sent: Jan 25, '23 21:43
Subject:

pinky swear

We believe that Hah_rolled himself was an underground agent of The Plumbers who knew that the assassination of SassyPeach by chimp was set to go down this morning. Perhaps Hah_rolled himself was filled with regret and could not bear letting the plan go through.

So what did Hah_rolled do? He tried to reach out. He spoke to someone who he thought would listen, someone he could trust. A friend. Premeir.

Though Hah_rolled was allegedly very close to divulging the plan, he was swiftly shot to death by LiquidFarehamJr before being able to spill the beans.

Jan 25, '23 22:30 Round #2: LiquidFarehamJr shoots and HITS Hah_rolled!

We reached out to Premeir for a comment on the situation, but we only got vaguely secretive replies. It's obvious Premeir feels guilt for his inaction despite being given the signs of an impending apocalypse.

We have also gotten word that some members of the public claim that Hah_rolled was a journalist for 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻. We strongly reject these claims and condemn them in the strongest way possible. We've seen the pictures of Hah_rolled, just because you glue a fake moustache to your forehead does not mean you're a journalist of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻.

THIS RAISES MANY, MANY QUESTIONS

• Who was DonkeyKong and how did he become an agent of The Plumbers?
• Was DonkeyKong related to the Kuku bloodline?
• Why was Hah_rolled pretending to be a journalist for 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻?
• Why was LiquidFarehamJr so quick to shoot Hah_rolled? That this would happen right when Hah_rolled was about to divulge the plans for SassyPeach's assassination simply cannot be a coincidence.
• Is LiquidFarehamJr another undercover agent of The Plumbers, who was sent in to silence Hah_rolled?
• Why didn't Premeir do anything?
• Where was The Leader of The Streets during all this???

We do not have answers to all these questions but hope our readers do. We invite any and all members of the public with more information or relevant opinions to step forth and discuss this mysterious affair.

Together we can complete the puzzle.

This concludes this Issue of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻!! Please Leave me Money and Tips!!

I had a brief interview with DonkeyKong in which he denied working for Kuku or being part of the Plumbers.

Presently, there are at least three personalities being monitored for Kuku-esque traits.  Kong, I am informed, had historical links with the Kuku line - and Kong's sensational antics certainly smack of a Kuku op.

But I don't think it was a Kuku/Plumbers op.  I think it may have been some kind of opportunistic, anti-authorative, performative set of actions, devoid of the type strategy associated with Kuku operations.

Now I don't know if it's the five bottles of booze I just downed behind that newly opened Sonic's Drive-Thru (circa 1953 which makes this very period correct) or if it was the three chasers of whiskey that followed in front of that McDonald's (circa 1955 so this too counts, and proves that I've done some very good research) but there's something about this newspaper that just really makes me unintentionally irritated. Could it be that SassyPeach, one of the most powerful fruits to have ever walked these shores, was reduced to but a footnote on the story of his own demise?

Yes, that's exactly my problem. 

Next time you write such an expose, I hope that you are more willing and able to credit the victims, rather than talk so much about such unimportant filth like Hah_rolled. What was he rolling? Nothing. No one cares. In fact, if I hear the name Hah_rolled one more time I'm going to punch a hole in something, that was, if I could lift my arms high enough to pull off a punch.

Whatever, punches are stupid, anyways. Moving on.

Great article, or whatever. Keep up the good work. I've got more drinks to drink, now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go drink some more, thank you for your time and understanding. 

With that, the worm was gone. Or was he? No, he was just sleeping for a few moments.

"I can answer the point of "Where was The Leader of The Streets during all this???" in a FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE way. 

My hired goons have been following JamesBaxter since his frankly embarrassing city hopping to save his own skin. Between slurping down bratwurst he was spotted in Philadelphia. 

First at the William H Gray III 30th Street Station, he was then followed to Shibe Park where he was spotted taking to a pigeon. He then headed for Old York Furniture & was finally seen heading into the Philadelphia Police Headquarters! Meeting with 2 suspect dirty cops called Terry & Baxter (Which is incidentally the name of my dog) Very suspicious. A ‘mobster’ who jumps ship from family to family (Much like a rat fleeing a sinking ship)

I put it to you all, the members of the public (Including the people who PERSECUTE me with no work) that self-claimed leader of the streets JamesBaxter is a RAT & almost certainly had his cheesy whiskers twitching with involvement in the deaths of SassyPeach & Silvio-Dante."
 

Aww that’s nice, JohnKukhamV, my very first stalker! Exciting times indeed!

LiquidFarehamJr - seeing how you are the person who executed Hah_rolled, our brave whistleblower, I don't believe a single word you say. You're just trying to cover up the OVERWHELMING FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE evidence by injecting confusing and misleading information.

worm - It is up to the incumbent ruling class to report on the fallen peach, we only cover EXCEPTIONAL news which we believe to be of special interest to the public. This is the niche that 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 tries to fill.