ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
THREE CLOWN COUPS; THE LOTS IS MIA; A PROPOSAL FOR A UNION OF JOURNALISTS.

The Circus • Thursday, February 16th• Vol II, No. 4

A SUCCESSFUL CLOWN COUP BY GIGGLESVONHONKERTON

Hello, it is me, the new editor of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 GigglesVonHonkerton. Too long have I watched what was once known as a prestigious newspaper by the name of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 go without an issue (MORE THAN A WEEK. UTTERLY UNACCEPTABLE).

I am not a journalist by trade, instead I spent the prime of my youth in Clown College studying various important subjects such as:

* The Art of Practical Jokes and the hidden power of The Banana Peel.
* Quick Quips and nailing Comedic Timing.
* Pie throwing fundamentals.
* The Humorous effects of Comically Large Objects.
* Clown-car geometry: how many clowns can really fit in a car?
* Reflexive Acausal Meta-irony.

Despite my lack of a Journalistic background I am hereby taking complete and total control of the Editorial Board of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻. Seeing how there is nobody who dares to oppose me in fear of being sprayed in the face by my trusty pocket-flower I rate this a successful Clown Coup. Thank you. *honk* .

STREETS BARREN AFTER LOTS GOES MISSING

By now it is a well established fact that the Leader of The Streets is an important figure in making The Streets a lively and exciting place. The Streets, that communal cornerstone of our civilsation where all the REAL BUSINESS occurs, would cease to function without a STRONG and DEDICATED LOTS overseeing it.

Who else would make sure that competitions are plentiful, original and have generous prizes? Who else would make sure that known Street Bullies (like those who execute journalists in cold blood) are kept in check? Who else would, through their supreme authority over The Streets and by commanding deep respect, compel the leaders of this thing of ours to make public appearances?

ONLY THE LOTS CAN DO THIS

We were all very glad to have democratically elected a new LOTS in the form of SilentAssassin (who had shown great promise and won the heart of the people), but our happiness was not made to last.

Most mysteriously, SilentAssassin has not been seen anymore shortly after he was elected into office. The reason for this is unknown.

We mourn the absence of our glorious Leader of The Streets. A Streets without a LOTS is like a clown without makeup: missing an essential part of its being, sad, slightly offensive, and NOT funny. *honk*

A FAILED CLOWN COUP BY @FASTFINGERSFREDDY

One person who did not accept the disappearance of SilentAssassin was his own Right Hand Man @FastFingersFreddy. Being dissatisfied with the absence of both his Crew Leader and Left Hand Man, @FastFingersFreddy started planning a Clown Coup of his own.

We don't know whether this was his only motive, or whether this was but a front for covertly usurping the title of LOTS, but it was not successful either way. When FFF approached certain other powerful figures with his plans to take over from SilentAssassin he was laughed out of the room (which, by the way, is usually considered an achievement deserving the highest honours amongst Clowns). *honk*

FFF, not being a professional Clown, did not take it too well though and decided to go on a permanent vacation. *sad honk*

Don't believe 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻? Seeing how we care about QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM we provide thee with some choice comments our reporters overheard at the man's retirement party:

In true fashion, so no surprises there. Always an alternative motive. Bye.

--

So I guess because we didn’t jump up and down for joy when you inquired about having SA killed and let you take over; you decided to do this?

Shocker.

--

FFF, this is most uncool, most uncool! RIP dude

--

The rats always jump when they think the ship is sinking I hope sa isn’t to disgusted by your behavior when he returns 

--

SilentAssassin forever

In the end 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 rates this a failed Clown Coup.

A SUCCESSFUL CLOWN COUP BY ISABELLA

As a side note: this morning Isabella successfully staged a coup in Las Vegas and is now the de jure LOTLV (Leader of The Las Vegas).

We applaud the fact that a public speech was made about this instead of the more frequently traveled road of silence. Yet we would like to politely request that it contains some more dramatic flair next time, some pazzow.

Some distasteful comments about the LOTS were made by Miles_of_Style shortly after the speech. The entire Editorial Board of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 (aka me) fully supports SilentAssassin in his elected term of LOTS. Miles_of_Style, if this was your attempt at "clowning around" you still have a lot to learn about comedy, son. Back to Clown College you go. Don't slip on any banana peels on the way there. *honk*

Either way 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 rates this a successful Clown Coup.

AN OPEN INVITATION TO JOIN A UNION OF JOURNALISTS

Everyone knows how poorly Journalists have historically been treated in this thing of ours. We at 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 want to change this. We at 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 want to UNIONISE.

We are looking for other likeminded Journalists or Newspapers who wish to join the fight of protecting the FREE PRESS. We've already petitioned the Leader of The Streets for help, but they are not responding to our letters (I wonder why that is, huh?).

PLEASE WRITE US, TOGETHER WE CAN STAND STRONG.

This concludes this Issue of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 !! Please Leave me Money and Tips (information)!!

Well this paper aged rather fucking poorly. Just goes to show why you need someone with a degree in Journalism to do this shit instead of 'ole Giggles with his Bachelor's degree in Clown-Comedy (specialising in Comically Large Objects) from the University of Applied Clown Sciences.

THE HAROLD WANTS TO MAKE AN AMENDMENT: WE HAVE RE-EVALUATED ISABELLA'S COUP AND NOW RATE IT A FAILED CLOWN COUP INSTEAD.

Can we have a serious paper with serious news about the killings?

The most drug dealing Godfather just died and some crewed don't seem to care 

Look, SurJeff, I have my reputation as a clown to uphold. A clown who gets too serious and monotone is a bad clown. You know what happens to bad clowns? They get their license taken away and become the butt of the joke. I don't want that.

How about you try walking a mile in my clown-shoes, huh?

I'm a temporary editor anyways, If you want serious hard-hitting news you'll have to find who the next of kin of H.Arold is and compel them to continue writing papers.

Or start a newspaper of your own: I welcome all newspaper agencies into my new Union.

A clown doesn't want to be the butt of a joke? 

Now that's a real surprise, thought that's what clowns are. A Joke!

Miles hears a clown yapping gibberish about walking in his shoes etc etc and has a thing to say

Why would anyone walk a mile in your shoes? I'd rather stick to the truth.

 Miles flips off the dysfunctional clown and walks off.

GigglesVonHonkerton watches Miles_of_Style flip him off and snickers in response. Giggles then proceeds to *Honk* his horn, grabs a pie from behind his newsstand, takes aim, and expertly throws it right in Miles_of_Style's face.

Wow, those Pie Throwing Fundamental classes have really paid off!

​​​​​

Simpleton walks down to the corner to pick up the latest edition of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 when he notices a mime on the sidewalk throwing pies around...

"Fuck sakes. I wish he would just go back to France, Montreal, or wherever the fuck they come from these days. At least he's not walking against the wind."

Simpleton kicks the mime in the balls, as is the required protocol pursuant to Mafia Basketball bylaw Section 9, clause 15, and then goes about his business...

GigglesVonHonkerton took the blow to his crown jewels like an unmoving marble statue. What his violent assailant likely did not expect was that this was a scenario that the clown had been fully prepared for.

"simpleton, do you think a clown can practise his trade without getting kicked in the nuts every once in a while? For this very reason there is an extensive course in Clown College called 'Composure in the face of an agressive audience'."

"How many times did I get kicked in the groin during that course? Was it tens, hundreds, thousands of times? I cannot remember, nor can I remember the excruciating pain that I experienced throughout those 3 weeks of hell. What I do know is that any weakness has already been thoroughly kicked out of my testicles."