Malcoln, I carried out a focus group, which advised me about what matters to the people.  Don't you care about them?

"Is this focus group even real? Where is the evidence? Surely you can prove it, right?" 

Of course I can, Roya.  Contact me, or Gimp-Pimp direct, and I'll tell you more.

Apologies, don't contact Gimp-Pimp.  That was a garbl3ed message.

Contact me directly, nobody else 

"Someone already questioned you about this focus group before,MrKuku. Why have me contact you, when you could show me the evidence here, this way everyone would be able to see it? Proving that was the news people really asked for, would surely make me (and i think other people too) stop questioning your integrity."

Roya, I'd need to give you classified access to the results.

London sat on the corner of the street and watched the silly people arguing over some bits of paper. He secretly wondered if anyone knew his true name was London, but then it wasn't as if he could tell any one. It wasn't like he was Lassie and could communicate that "Little Timmy and his friends had gone to the abandoned mine and were now trapped 100 feet below the surface by rising flood water" with a few simple barks like that stuck up bitch, Lassie.

Still, apparently this was magic paper, as he heard several people mention that it was full of shit. London couldn't smell the shit, but he had no doubt that these statements were true, given the creator of the paper. London definitely recognised the smell of the Kuku lineage, and they were most assuredly full of shit. It was lucky therefore that London was a dog and couldn't read... even if he was a very intelligent dog, certainly more intelligent than that bitch Lassie.

Hobo, you're not fooling me by pretending to be a city or a dog.

We've moved on, son.  Honesty- and I are on good terms.  Not for me the type of life you offer.

You were only ever HeadCoach's vile little bag carrier 

London wonder's what a HeadCoach is? It is true he had carried many a bag, after all he was a very helpful dog, but for the life of him he could not remember a HeadCoach. He thought about barking and growling at the man who stank of shit, but instead decided to piss on his leg.

I'm looking for reporters keen to make $1m per word for future articles.

Also focus group attendants.  Please contact me.

NEWSFLASH: Existence of Focus Group stumps Roya, doesn't surprise Duchess.

Also: @KieranMoore is asked "is it a question of money?"