Editorial: Thank you, dear readers, for picking up this First (and likely the last) Edition of the "Systematic Immolation of Gnus". We offer a brief commentary on issues affecting gnus and are currently the Underworld's only publication in existence which is devoted almost entirely to coverage of the wildebeest of the great African Plains.

BROCCOLI FIELDS BURNED DOWN. LIONS TO BLAME?

Gnus have long taken advantage of the agricultural developments of the western African plains as a source for vegetable nutrition that is becoming increasing hard to find in the wild. While farmers have been unsuccessful in stopping the gnu raids on their fields, some feel that the benefit of the "natural fertilizer" left behind is more of an advantage than the destruction of a portion of their crop is a disadvantage. Now, however, both farmers and gnus are appalled by the broccoli-terrorism that has struck. Scores of broccoli fields have been burned to ash during the night, depriving farmers of their livelihood and gnus of their nutrition. Farmers are blaming the gnus and the gnus are blaming the farmers. A culture of distrust is building between these two factions. It is the opinion of our editorial staff that neither are to blame, and that lions may be the real culprit. Think about it. No food = weaker gnus. That makes them easier to hunt down. When asked about this possible explanation, a morbidly obese man on the scene remarked "Snort...grunt...grunt".

GNUS JOIN HERD, GET SHOT:

A very strange development has been occurring across the Great Plains. As with all herds of gnus, it is their goal to increase their numbers as a strategy to protect the herd against predators. A new, young gnu will approach the herd and try to fit in to gain the herd's protection. Sometimes that gnu will fall behind and fall victim to a lion or rabid hippopotamus. This is just a sad fact of nature and allows for the survival of the fittest, which also increases the herd's strength. Lately, however, there have been a strange number of instances where the new gnu was keeping up with the herd, presumably being cooperative, and made the mistake of falling asleep for a full day or two. Sometimes these gnus were never heard from again. When asked about the strange disappearances, the Alpha Gnu (with blood-stained tusks), offered the following commentary: "Snort...grunt....grunt".

FREELANCE GNUS: A loophole in the Gnu Herd structure?

Another strange development on the African plains is the somewhat recent proliferation of gnus seeking solace from the herds and wandering about the plains aimlessly and alone. Since gnus are known to be herd animals whose safety is dependent upon their numbers, it is shocking and amazing, if not a bit concerning, that so many gnus go down this seemingly suicidal route. Strangely enough, there have been very few instances of poachers or hungry lions killing these beasts. When asked about this alarming trend, one "solo gnu" offered up this explanation: "Snort...grunt....grunt...waah".

GIRAFFE DOWN!: Are gnus next?

While the peaceful creatures of the African plains are usually safe from organized crime violence, that all changed this past week when a giraffe, inexplicably roaming the streets of Los Angeles, was killed in a gunfight involving organized crime figures. Gnus are on high alert in Africa, although there has been no indication that the American mafia plans to infiltrate their homeland.

This Month in Underworld History:

- Fifteen years ago this April, a previously unknown mobster named "BobTheBuilder" acquires a gargantuan ape and used said ape to intimidate mobsters into sending him $50,000 each.  Known as "The Revan Tax", it resulted in his enrichment and also in having several bodies torn apart by the great ape at his side.

- Ten years ago this April, DeadlySin's long rule was in its second year; the Streets were filled with several newspapers, including the legendary "Mr. Pickle's Tabloid News", "The Weekly Wackback", and the bird cage-liner "Gwarble Barble"; and the specter of the legendary "May War" loomed in the near future.

- Five years ago this April, one Joe_Ligambi had a brazen attempt at a power-grab snuffed out by the other powers in Philadelphia, due to the treacherous ratting out by one of his close family associates; The Java Cartel was experimenting with a new, caffeine-based approach to organized crime; story tellers were dominating the streets in place of those discussing current events or engaging in debates; and the last sighting of a pig flying over the skies of Philadelphia was reported to the authorities.

- One year ago this April, as war raged on throughout the six cities, one man stepped up from the rubble of what became known as "The Forever War" to begin to rebuild before anyone else. He was a mountain of a man with the girth of an elephant and the agility of a leopard. He was the HEAD COACH, and his introduction of basketball to organized crime changed the course of Cosa Nostra forever. To this day, his blueprint for taking stupid ideas and turning them into cash-making ventures is often imitated, but never duplicated.

Swine Inc. Publishing, copyright 1950.

This is quite a poor effort.  No investigations, and nothing about LostBoy

After reading the paper that is far superior then any other paper in recent days he speaks 

Now that is how you write a paper a true journalist. 
 

please accept this tip on my behalf 

Jub had dragged his uncomfortable plastic folding chair behind him to the next newspaper publication site. It was a well known ritual that when a newspaper gets published, the readers sit in random places on the sidewalk near the paperboy handing out copies and discuss the contents. Jub unfolded the chair, sat upon it (it made a near unbearable screeching sound) and began reading.

A good while later after finishing the newspaper, Jub balled up the paper and began eating it, making disgusting eating sounds as he ate with his mouth open.

"Snort...grunt...chomp... You know what simpleton, when I opened the paper I wasn't sure if I needed a newspaper which covered the latest developments of Gnu-kind, but now I know better and am an enlightened man because of it. Snort...snort..chomp."

"I applaud the burning down of the broccoli fields as I consider anything that is green and not dripping with grease unfit for eating. What is unfit for my consumption is unfit for Gnus as well. Snort...grunt..."

"Snort... Whu-hooh!"

The folding chair collapsed under Jub and he fell flat on his fat-cushioned back. He struggled to roll over to be able to use his arms to lift himself upright again. It looked sort of like a helpless turtle on its back.

Roya grabbed the newspaper and started reading. After reading, she addressed the paperboy.

"While i don't see how what happens in another continent is something you could call "news", this content is much more adequate and fun than the other pseudo newspaper i've read recently. I congratulate the writer!"

All reporters nod in agreement, determined to make a difference in saving gnus from decline.

I consider myself in-the-know regarding gnus but even I learned something here today. Following the systematic immolation of gnus, newspapers and restaurants, we are living in a golden age of knowledge reformation.