A PREFACE

The world is on the brink of a renaissance. A renaissance of news. We at 'The Jub' printing enterprises want to make our own contribution to this rebirth of newspaper culture and present to you the first (and hopefully last issue if our plan is successful) issue of 'Systematic Immolation of Restaurants'.

We will be reviewing all the popular hotspots of DELECTABLE GRUB in town. Let us begin.

KennyRusso'S "RUSSO'S BAR" (OWNED BY KennyRusso)

The service was excellent, with the waitresses quickly getting our of our food critic's way when he stormed his way through the restaurant in search of delicious grub. The decor was very tasteful, with only a single dead body being present in the dining room despite this being a hotspot for criminal activity. Impressive.

However, these are all non-food related matters so they don't actually count at all since GRUB trumps everything else. The grub itself was mediocre at best and incredibly dry at worst (the soup in particular), there was also a total lack of deep fried goods which gravely disappointed our food critic and left them unsatisfied.

Final Rating: D for DISASTROUS

Roya's 'THE TASTY HOTDOG'

We had heard a lot of good things about 'The Tasty Hotdog'. Things like 'The Hotdogs really are Tasty!', 'The buns are expertly toasted', 'yum' and even 'The dogs were so delicious I almost forgot I was eating a sausage made of ground up cow udders'.

There is only 2 minor negative points, the bathrooms are rumored to be haunted as people have heard strange noises coming from them, and secondly the windows are made of very sharp glass. But this does not take away from the SUCCULENT HOTDOGS so.

Final Rating: A for APPETISING*

*We do have to mention that we only got secondhand information about this Restaurant and that our food critic DID NOT actually personally visit the Restaurant nor did they commit any kind of armed robbery of hotdogs. Any such allegations made against "The Jub" printing enterprises will be swiftly thrown into the bin.

worm's "WORM'S GOODS"

Our food critic was stunned what he found when he approached the food cart. 'Where is the Grub?' he exclaimed when he was offered carrots and broccoli. He found out there is no Grub. Only vegetables and fruits. Awful. We at 'The Jub' printing enterprises strongly believe that whatever is a plant and not deep fried cannot be called GRUB in good conscience.

What is a restaurant without a double cheeseburger? Without a big daddy steak? Without chips scattered as far as the eye can see? Without infinite refills of sugary teeth-rotting soda-pop?

It's not a restaurant, it's a safety hazard pretending to be healthy and should be reported to the FSIS. We have done so, expect a 'routing checkup' soon.

Final Rating: F for FUCKING FELONIOUS FRAUD

CLOSING STATEMENT, THE FUTURE OF SYSTEMATIC IMMOLATION OF RESTAURANTS

MrKuku we at 'The Jub' printing enterprises, being the sole owners of 'Systematic Immolation of Restaurants' (a rival newspaper to SIoN), are open to being bribed to prevent publishing future issues. Please send us money.

'The Jub' printing enterprises.

"There appears to be an error in printing. What is called a 'routing checkup' should obviously have been a 'routine checkup'."

"Shame on Jub. I guess this is what happens when you put a single man-blob in charge of the storyboarding, journalisting, food-reviewing, drafting, writing, editing, typesetting, sourcing of a printing company, publishing, distributing, etc."

Kenny grabs a issue of SIoR and finds a bench nearby to enjoy some light reading with a cigarette. He puts on his glasses and leaves the cigarette dangling on his lips while reading. "Another newspaper with fake news... Huh..."  Kenny thought, remembering the thousands of dollars of medical bills he had to pay to his waitress that was DEFINETELY in JubTheNub's way when he made his iconic entrance. She's been in a coma to this day. After finishing the review on his bar, Kenny was expression quickly changed from "neutral" to "VERY PISSED AND DEEPLY HURT" but he knew Jub had a point since you know, it's a bar not a restaurant. But Kenny loves some good constructive criticism and will definitely hire some cooks and start producing GOOD GRUB. He grabs a pen and paper and writes a small letter to Jub.

I read your review. You suck.

Also expect you to visit the bar next month, renovations incoming. I want to improve my rating.

~Russo

He posted the letter in the nearby mail and went back to his reading, now reading the review on Roya's Tasty Hotdog. He only visited it once when he severely beat up one of the employees for dropping lemon coke on his boss worm and fled the scene before he could be identified, so he never had the change to experience the true Tasty Hotdog experience. Kenny took out his notebook and wrote "EAT HOTDOG IN PH" but rumors are that the DEVILISH Jhuubbent made an appearance there and destroyed the windows. Also caused severe trauma on one of the cashiers. Maybe next week...

Now for worm's goods. Kenny was living kind of a healthy lifestyle by eating lots of fruits and vegetables lately so he loved this place but he could not help but to laugh at worm by receiving the worst rating. He grabbed another piece of paper and wrote a small letter to worm.

Damn, your business suck.

Fuck you.

~Savannah

What a genius move, thought Kenny. He insulted his boss and framed another person for it by signing their name. Giggling deviously he posted the letter on the mail.

Roya had just read the SIoG and was heading to the nearest coffee place, when she heard another paperboy yelling and advertising what appeared to be another newspaper. Roya approached and decided to buy one. She grabbed an issue of the SIoR and went running to the 'Coffee, Coffee!' before they ran out of bagels. She arrived and went straight to the booth sofa.

"Oi Linda! Bring me two everything bagels and a double hot coffee, please!" she yelled to the waitress while opening the newspaper.

Roya realized it was some kind of review for restaurants and estabilishments from all around our world. She smiled and thanked the waitress, who had just brought Roya's order, and started reading while taking bites of bagel and sips of the delicious hot coffee.

The first place was KennyRusso's bar. Roya instantly approved of the place, even if the review was D. She had been famously known for bar brawling and causing trouble, so she was forbidden from frequenting the most famous bars in NY and since her body and mind only functioned when she was completely drunk, it was being a hell of a problem finding a bar where she could step in without getting shot in the face. Roya made a note to visit the place very soon.

Then she had to close her eyes and open again, she scratched her eyes and it was still there. It was a review on Roya's restaurant! 

She had the idea of opening The Tasty Hot Dog a few weeks ago while drunkily wandering the streets of PH. She was in company of a coked-up hooker who had a weird fetiche about hot dog weiners and couldn't find a single hot dog stand to satisfy her desires. So she decided to open the establisment and it was moderately successful. Now with the rating A, it was surely going to be a hit! Roya was so happy about the review, that she failed to acknowledge the suspicious note written in tiny letters by JubTheNub, about a robbery that happened there a couple of days ago. It seemed like someone, who witnesses said, looked like the fearsome Jhuubbent, broke in by the glass windows and stole a large quantity of hot dogs and terrorized the customers, leaving the place wrecked behind. Roya had a hard time fixing it and reimbursing the clients. If she wasn't so excited, she would surely notice how suspicious that looked like, but instead, she laughed and yelled to Linda, who was serving coffee to someone across the room:

"Linda, The Tasty Hot Dog is gonna be a huge hit now! A food critic reviewed it and rated it A! Can you believe it? I'm gonna be famous!"  Linda sighed and said in a sarcastic tone: "Wow. Congratulations. I bet you worked hard for this, huh?" She kept mumbling something like "Mafia people, getting richer while im here working fifteen hours a day in this shithole serving them". But Roya wasn't listening anymore, she continued reading the newspaper.

The last review was about worm of worm's worm of worm's worm place named worm's goods. The rating was terrible, a big F, but Roya was looking for ages for a place where she could buy fresh fruits and vegetables for her enterprises. She had a soup shop and a medieval inn in New York, a skewer stand in Detroit and of course, a hot dog shop in Philadelphia. She was in dire need of a good supplier and didn't knew worm had a vegetable stand. Roya made a note to visit the place later and talk business with worm.

She finished eating, drinking and reading and lit up a cigarette. She grabbed a pen and a piece of paper from her pocket and wrote:

"JubTheNub, i appreciate the excelent rating on my restaurant and i want to congratulate you and wish good luck on your new endeavor. We need good reading in this world of ours and your newspaper brought a smile to my face. I also wish you good luck on extorting MrKuku, but i'm secretly wishing you to fail on it, because i would love for this newspaper to continue! Best regards. Roya."

She payed her bill and left to find KennyRusso's bar.