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Joke Competition: Let's make people laugh! Started by: Colonel_Ives on May 17, '23 18:44

Colonel_Ives was feeling sad and heavy after having to deal with a bunch of petty shenanigans, so he decided to launch a competition that could bring joy and happiness to himself and to the good people of this world! He presented:

THE JOKE COMPETITION

INFO AND PRIZES:

- All entries will receive $100,000 dollars as a participation prize

- I will not judge, you guys will do the judging! The most tipped entry will be the winner! (The quantity of tippers, not the amount of cash earned on tips)

- 1ST PLACE REWARD: $10 million dollars + Super VIP Perk

- 2ND PLACE REWARD: $5 million dollars + Pied Piper Perk

- 3RD PLACE REWARD: $1 million dollar + Police Bribe Wackback Death

RULES:

- Only ONE entry per person

- Entries will be accepted til Sunday 11:59pm (21/05), hurry and share your most funny joke!

- Results will be shared on Wednesday 6:00pm (24/05), so get tipping your favorite ones!

- Have fun and good luck!

"And to inspire you guys, here's a good one!" He begins telling the joke:

"So, a woman gets on a bus with her baby and the bus driver says "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby i've ever seen!". The woman then walks to the rear of the bus and sits down completely pissed off. She says to a man next to her "The driver just insulted me!" The man says "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, i'll hold your monkey for you."

Good luck all!

Report Post Tips: 11 / Total: $220,000 Tip

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

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A sandwich walks into a bar.  The barman says "sorry, we don't serve food."

 

$10m please 

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May I ask who's judging this contest?  Wellerman, is this a Competition Commission approved contest? 

Report Post Tips: 1 / Total: $20,000 Tip

The Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Report Post Tips: 62 / Total: $3,220,000 Tip

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the driver gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The police officer approaches the car and says,

"It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me one good reason for your behaviour, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says,

"My wife ran away with a policeman about a week ago. I thought you were bringing the bitch back."

The police officer replies with,

"On your way sir."

Report Post Tips: 1 / Total: $20,000 Tip

Walks into the thread and stands there awkwardly

Report Post Tips: 2 / Total: $40,000 Tip

So, I was walking down an avenue, over there.......

Kelly points towards the dark, stagnant street to her left

And some guy was there shouting and screaming, big mullet, bottle of vodka in his hand.  Looked like he had already downed a couple but the crowd were encouraging him to drink more, throwing crumpled dollar bills at him and all.  Anyway, I digress, the gist of it was this:

"Man, drug dealers these days, they've become the CEOs of the underground economy. They're like the Steve Jobs of illicit substances. I mean, they've got branding, customer loyalty, and even a 24/7 delivery service. It's like they took a page out of Amazon's playbook.

But let me tell you something, folks, I miss the old drug dealers. You know, the ones with personality. The ones who would show up with a smile on their face, a twinkle in their eye, and maybe a few extra 'goodies' just to sweeten the deal. Nowadays, it's all about efficiency and professionalism. Where's the charm, the human touch?

I remember when a drug dealer used to be like a personal shopper for your mind-altering needs. They'd listen to your preferences, recommend the right strain of herb or the perfect blend of chemicals. It was an art form, really. Now it's all about mass production and profit margins.

But hey, maybe I'm just nostalgic for a time when drug dealers had soul. Now they're just like any other business, trying to corner the market and maximize their ROI. I guess you can say they've gone from 'high' to 'highly corporate.'

So, next time you encounter a drug dealer, ask them where the passion went. And maybe, just maybe, we can bring back the good old days of drug dealing, where it was all about good vibes, good times, and a personal touch. Just don't forget to tip your dealer for the memories."

I think his name was Bill, seemed like a nice guy, y'all should go chuck a dollar or two at him.  He certainly had me pulling them out of my knickers like nobodies business........

Report Post Tip
I was once asked what exactly were “mixed feelings”.
My reply, “watching your Maserati drive off a cliff but realising it’s your mother in law driving”.
Report Post Tips: 2 / Total: $40,000 Tip
Yo mamma so FAT... I walked around her once and got lost twice!
Report Post Tips: 4 / Total: $80,000 Tip

Lebron bricked a crucial 3-point shot during the game 1 against Denver.

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This isn't going well, is it Colonel_Ives?  Want me and Wellerman to take over? 

Report Post Tips: 10 / Total: $1,900,000 Tip

MrKuku, Go make your own frudulent competitions and let other people do theirs. I will say this for the last time: stop harassing and following me around. Also, if this competition pose no threat to you, why you're so salty about it? Get a grip.

Report Post Tip

Kelly looks around surreptitiously before breaking into song:

In a realm of shadows and cyberspace,

Where the trolls roam, a bitter disgrace,

They're lurking, waiting, ready to strike,

With venomous words, they aim to ignite.

 

But we won't give in, won't play their game,

Their toxic flames, won't tarnish our name,

We'll rise above, with hearts strong and bold,

In this digital realm, we'll break the mold.

 

Oh, don't feed the trolls, let them fade away,

Their words may sting, but we won't sway,

We'll keep our heads held high, our spirits strong,

In this world of trolls, we'll sing our song.

 

They're hiding behind their screens of hate,

Spreading discord, trying to frustrate,

But we won't be swayed by their cruel intent,

We'll stand together, united and unbent.

 

Oh, we'll rise above, with courage in our hearts,

Their bitter words, they'll fail to tear us apart,

For we know the power lies in our hands,

To choose understanding, where peace expands.

 

Oh, don't feed the trolls, let them fade away,

Their words may sting, but we won't sway,

We'll keep our heads held high, our spirits strong,

In this world of trolls, we'll sing our song.

 

So let's join hands, let's break the chains,

And build a world where kindness reigns,

For when we rise, in unity we stand,

Their shadows fade, as love commands.

 

(Stolen Guitar Solo)

 

Oh, don't feed the trolls, let them fade away,

Their words may sting, but we won't sway,

We'll keep our heads held high, our spirits strong,

In this world of trolls, we'll sing our song.

 

In this vast digital realm, where battles unfold,

We'll rise above, our spirits untold,

With love as our armor, and compassion our guide,

Together we'll conquer, and trolls will subside.

Always surprises me that in the 20 odd years I have been playing there is always someone that will rise to the trolling.  It's why we keep coming back.......... 

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Kelly excitedly jumps up and down on her soapbox......

Guys, if you video it, and have a good enough frame rate, you can pause it and catch a flash of my junk.

Kelly winks......

Heres one for you, What do you call a Singing Laptop?

Kelly waits expectantly........

No?  OK, here you go then; A Dell!

Honestly, I can barely contain myself.

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Because I am a dirty, dirty witch:

"I recently came into a whole bunch of money. Which is odd for me because I usually use a paper towel". 

"What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts, this isn't a regular blowjob".

"Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because everytime she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat".

Report Post Tips: 14 / Total: $940,000 Tip

Kelly jumps up onto her soapbox and clears her throat............

Bravo NancyDowns, everyone needs a little smut in their lives from time to time and all three of these hit well below the belt in the smut stakes.  

Unfortunately, my pockets are a little empty at the moment so I will be unable to unseat Stiffler from his current kingly perch on the Joke King Throne; I am sure that if we all work together we can force him to abdicate!  Let us unite in a storm of comedic fellowship, combine our wit and guile and buy this competition from under his feet!

I am pretty sure that if we set about gathering our best collection of raunchy jokes, risqué puns and titillating one-liners we will be able to forcibly remove him from his current position and leave him questioning his ability to hold dominion over 6 cities.  Let's force him into comedic surrender and make way for a fairer, more deserving ruler of jest.

Comrades, I implore you to sharpen your wit, empty your pockets, unleash your imagination and let the humour, be it raunchy or otherwise, flow.  Together we can create a torrent of witty, smutty hilarity that shake the very foundations of the joke kingdom and show Stiffler that there are new contenders in town who are ready to steal the throne from under him with a mixture of rampant chortling, guffawing, tittering and belly laughing.  A touch of naughtiness would also be most welcome to balance it all out.

Prepare yourselves, for the battle of jokes is about to get ruthless, let us turn this into a dog eat dog contest. Vive la révolution. 

Laughing, Kelly skips off down the street into the moist morning breeze.............

Report Post Tip

What's David Bowie's best album?

SOUND IN-VISION

Report Post Tips: 7 / Total: $3,400,000 Tip

Aye, a good album (most are to be fair).

 

I am partial to "Out-side" myself, never understood why it was panned so much.  I know Bowie himself was reluctant to perform it at all.

Report Post Tips: 1 / Total: $200,000 Tip

People who have had Dwayne Johnson as an upstairs neighbour have literally been living under a rock especially if they cant smell what he is cookin.

 

okay okay in fairness, Dot gave me most of that to be honest 

Report Post Tips: 1 / Total: $20,000 Tip

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