ANSWERS TO YOUR MANY QUESTIONS!

Who's judging?

The judging panel consists of me, and two others (who have asked not to be named for fear of reprisals).  I can confirm that this Competition has been cleared by the Competition Commission, and a file handed to them, along with $100m.

What are the Prizes?

Everyone who enters gets a bespoke poem and up to $1m!  The top prize is $20m and a "quad" - there are a further three prizes of $10m and a CA.

What are the rules?

Simply give a short speech about one aspect of our history, and you'll receive your poem and mandatory cash reward.  Do it before the 1st of June.

Non-entrants are welcome to enter, but they are required to tell a humorous (and inoffensive story) about two of the funsters who recently ran their own competitions when registering their non-entry.

SUMMARY

Tell a short, mafia related, story here and receive up to a million bucks and a bespoke poem!  It'll then be judged, and you'll probably receive an eight figure prize!

It's a "no-brainer"

Rebecca was a money-hungry little pain in the ass, and thus when another competition was announced on the streets she quickly made her way downtown, walking fast, hauling ass, and she's the winner. 

"This story is from the ancient legends, where ages come to pass, and Polio blankets are confused with smallpox blankets. This is a story of how one man paid for his mistakes and almost lost his life." Rebecca said, pausing for dramatic effect. 

"Once upon a time, a group of like-minded individuals rented a house in the woods. They all had long ties and family lines within the mafia, and their friendships spanned the ages. There was a woman, roughly five sandwiches tall, who was the villain in this story. Or the hero, depending on which side you choose." 

"One day, the highest ranked and most respected among the group, the one with the best planning and organization and also the hottest wife, was celebrating a day. A day of his birth, which was decades again. Perhaps seventy, the tomes are vague. And while celebrating, this man found the 5-sandwich-tall woman and invited her to join the circle of friends outside." 

"This woman joined the group the conversation but was then offered a pipe of friendship, which she declined. The man insisted, playfully guilting about it being his birthday. She declined. He persisted, "but...Birthday!...BiiiirrrrthhhhhdaaaaaaaaAAAaaaAAyyyyy!" he'd say. Eventually, the woman relented, because she came from a long line of weak-willed people, and also, free drugs." 

"A joyous time was had by all, truly. But then the next day the woman fell tragically ill. Laying about with a blanket, trying to be cool in the eyes of the others while also being force-fed a mixture of medicine and alcohol which did not make her feel better and rather made her wish this sickness would just kill her. But she got better, the week drew to an end and everyone went their separate ways to resume their lives of crime." 

"It would later come to light that this woman who was pressured into joining the ritual with the friendship pipe had unknowingly infected several people, although as they say those at the top have the hardest falls or something." Rebecca shrugged, she was great with her own words, but someone else's didn't really matter that much to her. 

"It would come to light that the man who pleaded and prodded because he had made it through another year, nearly lost everything. It was bad enough his wife had fallen in love with the woman and they had plotted their future together, but also he had been on the verge of death." 

Rebecca once again paused for dramatic effect. 

"And this is why you should be careful of who you spend time with because small women who you can throw into large Canadian snowbanks will fuck your shit up." 

I am pleased to see that the Competition Commission has approved another competition. The members of the Competition Commission are working hard to make the Competitive Competition Circuit the best it can be.

Today I’d like to shed some light on a dark chapter in our history. I am of course referencing the unregulated competition massacres of the past, before the illustrious Competition Commission took over providing us a safe haven to compete without fear of death for our participation. As one of the only remaining participants in the initial Competition Commission conversations, voting, and construction I feel like I am uniquely suited to tell this story. 

It was a cold September morning, when a young man by the name of La_Croix stepped out onto that street corner, asking the hard questions. You see, competitions had been on the decline for some time. Rife with back dealings, cheating, and even murders the number of active and willing participants plummeted. La_Croix wanted a better life for everyone and presented the Competition Commission as a solution to all our problems. 

His words and ideas came at a great cost. La_Croix was shot down in those same streets by his detractors before his dreams could ever be realized. Some of those names will forever be immortalized in shame: Bugs, Lonelywolf (Sr), Nigel. Under such intense pressure and push back we were certain the Competition Commission Initiative would fail.

That was until the fateful day Word_Smith made his appearance on the scene. He was the leader the Competition Commission Initiative needed to really get established. With enigmatic leaders behind it the Competition Commission was unanimously ratified and has been keeping the Competition world safe and fair ever since. These wonderful founders have long since passed away, their legacies live on through the Competition Commission.
 

Wellerman, a truly epic tale.  About an emotive time in our history, if, if coupled with a major war, was the bloodiest era in our history.  Almost everyone died.  Tragic, horrible mania.

What the idiots who criticise the Competition Commission don't realise is the death toll that blighted this world before hand.

Suspiciously, the steward of the deadliest writing competition known to man seems to me a close relative of DwayneJohnson.  We'll need to keep an eye on that fucker 

DwayneJohnson I am going to assume the sunlight reflected off that massive bald head of yours and disoriented you. I did not mention you at all in my story. 

But to answer your question, yes you can enter multiple competitions as long as you are able to keep up with it. The Competitive Competition scene isn't for the faint. 

There is some half-assed joke contest Dwayne, and a regular shit heel named Matt Collins is rigging a contest down the street

Apology accepted. Good to have you competing Mr. Johnson. I look forward to some new competition and welcome you. 

Wellerman extends his hand and offers a handshake to DwayneJohnson 

Can't wait to see what all the other entrants and non-entrants come up with!

If by “rigged” you mean completing a competition and paying out, something that you seem unable to do, then yes, it was “rigged”.

Your desperate need for attention is embarrassing. 

"Alright, gather 'round, you lot. It's storytime with Malcolm Tucker, and this one's about our friends Drexler and Roman and the treacherous Foxxy. So, Roman was sitting at the big-boy table with all the other city heads, looking at each of them with a mix of suspicion and determination.

'Then we are all in agreement?' Roman asks, like a boss. And you know what? His gang of cronies, RoRog, Caius, Premeir, Whatsername, and InspectorGadget, they all nod, probably scared out of their wits by Roman's intense gaze.

So, here's the deal. They were planning to take control of Los Angeles from the devious Foxxy. Apparently, she had her grubby paws all over Drexler's demise, and that didn't sit well with our Roman. Now, the whole story starts with a shooting in Detroit, some failed attempt on FrankMartin's life. That led to a little spat between Detroit and Los Angeles, but Roman thought they could sort it out themselves. But then, guess who pops up? Yep, Foxxy, offering inside info from LA's inner sanctum, trying to get Drexler out of the picture.

Now, here's where it gets interesting. Turns out, our sneaky Foxxy was pushing for Drexler's demise, the Godfather of her own city. She may not have been the sole cause, but she definitely had her hands dirty in this little scheme. And you know what? That's just bad bloody business. We can't have that kind of deceitful behaviour among us city heads, undermining trust and all that jazz.

So, Roman gathers his gang, and they all sit there at the table, talking about honor and collective prosperity. They're like a bunch of mobster superheroes, fighting for justice in their own twisted way. And they're all in agreement that Foxxy doesn't deserve a seat at that table. Oh no, she's getting the boot, and her fate is sealed.

So, my friends, raise a glass to Roman and his gang, for leaving no room for backstabbers like Foxxy. And may the legacy of our ancestors, including the great Grool, the father of my father (who told me the story when I was a wee lad) and the unforgettable Drexler, live on through their noble endeavours. Cheers, you bloody legends!"

Non-entrants are welcome to enter, but they are required to tell a humorous (and inoffensive story) about two of the funsters who recently ran their own competitions when registering their non-entry.

"MrKuku, you're an embarassment. I'm literally crying from so much laughter. It seems your childish self is still salty that me and Mr Collins were able to launch our own competitions without getting any help or "permission" from you. Grow up, mate.

You know.. Thinking of it now, i think i understand why you're doing this. I've talked with a lot of people in this world about you and their answers were mostly the same:

People keep Kuku around because he speaks on the streets. 

I think you're shitting your pants that people realize you're no longer "needed". We can keep the Streets busy and full of good stories and good folk, without you being here. 

And to be honest, you should definitely be scared, because i don't intend on leaving anytime soon and my goal is to keep launching competitions that brings happiness to people. You won't stop me. You can keep trying of course, making these fool attempts to annoy me or tarnish my competitions, but you won't.

That being said, i bid you good luck on your lame "more of the same" competition.

Colonel_Ives I don't know how to break this to you, so I will just have to rip off the bandage. Both your Joke Competition and the Writing Competition were approved and overseen by the Competition Commission. 

While you might have a negative view of MrKuku here there is no reason to disparage the Competition Commission. They just want people to enjoy themselves and have fun in a safe way. 

Colonel_Ives, you're pissed off because you almost became a well paid judge. 

You'll never be leader of the streets.  You're a poor man's Matt Collins.  A rigger 

"Mr Wellerman, i couldn't give more shites about this so called Competition Commission. And as i've said to Mr Cuckoo before, you must have mistaken me for someone who actually cares.

I dare your commission to try to stop me from launching my competitions. I'm intrigued to see how they'll do that. Please, indulge me."

The colonel uncrosses his arms and goes to the casino to raise funds for his next competition.

Colonel_Ives if you couldn't give more 'shites' that means you are giving it all you can. It's obvious that you are clearly over your head with this and letting your emotions guide you. 

I like your competitions. Personally I'm glad to see another cannibal following in my footsteps and getting involved. We are definitely the overlooked minority. Anyway, I'm not sure why you'd want the Commission to shut you down. The last focus group really enjoyed your competition and was hoping to see more. 

If you weren't so combative you could have just asked the Competition Commission for some help raising prize funds. They are quite the generous group. 

DwayneJohnson, you were told no because the competition had already ended. Had you submitted your entry before the end of competition, you would have been in the running.

MrKuku has two competitions running simultaneously. This one here and another that he has extended the deadline for. 

DwayneJohnson I have to agree with you there. I'm not sure why these people always want to add extra rules and exclude non-entrants from entering. 

I have to apologize about the MattCollins contest, the Competition Commission allows for individual runners to set some of their own rules. I would recommend you check out Futurestealer's Golden Gloves 3 sign up.

While it is a Boxing Competition and nothing like these writing competitions I have a feeling you might be a capable enough individual to succeed over there. Plus these are good opportunities for showmanship and just based on our short meetings so far, you seem like a star to me. Otherwise, it sounds like Colonel_Ives will be running another competition soon here, pending his gambling trip.