One of you gave me a home.  Another helped me with the Competition Commission.  The other two are my erstwhile comrades in the competitive writing community (CWC).

It is in your hands that my life currently sits.  I have been advised that I have not followed a number of protocols in my setting up of the new Competition Commission and, as a result, it's likely that I will be executed, probably before very long.

Friends, I approach you with humility, asking for a second chance.

I'd like to run this crew, and the commission, and life a long prosperous life.

I believe that all of you hold the key to this becoming reality.

My friends, can you see it in your hearts to forgive me?  FutureStealer?  Wellerman?  

This reminds me of a story that involves a scorpion and a frog, you see, in this story the scorpion and the frog hang out, and they go to what would be their equivalent of a movie-- in reality, it's just some leaves falling from a tree, but it's very moving and the type of thing that I suppose small creatures would like to see. At one point during the movie, the frog has to go to the bathroom but decides to hold it as he is very interested in what is about to happen, seeing as how this is the big event, so to speak, the time of year in autumn when the leaves turn a lighter hue. Something that most creatures don't want to miss, so he holds his piss in his tiny frog bladder and continues to watch what's going on in the theatre; which is really just a little mossy underbelly of one of the trees.

As you might imagine, holding your pee for such a tiny animal is a challenging and fraught venture. One that would have required a lot of power within his bladder, something that he couldn't quite handle. After a few more minutes, the scorpion looked over and to his dismay saw the frog pissing everywhere! It was mortifying for both of them.

The moral of this story? Don't hold in your piss. What does that have to do with anything going on here? Well, I'm not really sure, but while I can't really speak for anyone that you've mentioned here today, what I can say confidently is that I don't think you're going to make it very far with how you've acted today.

You really let the commission down, or committee, or whatever. I miss when this was all just about a toaster. It's too grand now. Get back to your roots: that's my opinion. Oh, and just retire. Maybe you'll save some face. Maybe not.

I don't really know what's going on here if I'm being honest. I just wanted to share my story. I hope you enjoyed it.

Someone just shoot him in the face and be done with it.

yawn.

You’re so fucking boring.