Houston, We Have a Problem: TheBeast; It's Not Right But It's OK

What follows is a series of telegrams between myself and the three million dollar man, esteemed CL and all round Street presence, TheBeast.

IT'S MY PREROGATIVE 

Whilst some of you, the peon masses, may think it's wrong to disclose private conversation between individuals, I maintain that if somebody intimate that they Want to Dance With Somebody (metaphorically) by sending them a telegram, then It's My Prerogative to share said correspondence.

TheBeast accused me of a series of crimes that I, JackMonroe, did not commit.  Here is that correspondence:

To: JackMonroe

From: TheBeast

Sent: Jun 01, '19:18

Subject:

 

You have no money, no friends and no credibility. Theres nothing more I can take from you.

 

To: TheBeast

From: JackMonroe

Sent: Jun 01, '19:42

Subject:

 

 I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadows.   If I fail, if I succeed: at least I'll live as I believe no matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity.

 

To: JackMonroe

From: TheBeast

Sent: Jun 01, '19:47

Subject:

 

Dude quit trolling, you have no dignity. You have no self-respect, much less respect from others. You're only walking in your own shadow.

 

To: TheBeast

From: JackMonroe

Sent: Jun 01, '19:56

Subject:

 

You said you had no regrets.  There's a bond between us

That hasn't been broken yet. 

 

To: JackMonroe

From: TheBeast

Sent: Jun 01, 19:58

Subject:

 

You keep killing my members, my bgs, you attack my hq and start shit with me in the streets. How do think I'm supposed to feel about that? 

 

To: TheBeast

From: JackMonroe

Sent: Jun 01, 19:59

Subject:

 

There's a chance that maybe I can reach my goal, and soar to the other side.  Good things come to those who wait.  I'm just afraid that I might sit here and wait too late

 

To: JackMonroe

From: TheBeast

Sent: Jun 01, '20:00

Subject:

 

You're really mistaking me for someone who cares.

Georgette had spent quite a few hours wandering the streets that morning, and she had been wondering if she should stay, but sometimes felt she'd only be in their way. So she had decided to go, but she knew that she'd think of this experience every step of the way back.

But then a familiar face entered the streets and she found herself getting closer to listen to what this JackMonroe had to say, and wondered if their bootstraps had begotten them any soup recently. 

"Truly remarkable, these missives have brought me a strong urge to dance, perhaps with somebody, perhaps alone. I shall have to ponder this once I return, unless it turns out that tomorrow is judgment day." Georgette said. 

Well, since you want to publish our conversation, why publish it all? Here I'll help. 

To: TheBeast
From: JackMonroe
Sent: Jun 01, '23 19:13
Subject:

Please do not kill me 

To: JackMonroe
From: TheBeast
Sent: Jun 01, '23 19:09
Subject:

Why don't you go fuck yourself. I'm done being nice with you. 

To: TheBeast
From: JackMonroe
Sent: Jun 01, '23 19:08
Subject:

That's a bit harsh.  What have I ever done to you?

 

Why don't we have an interview and sort it out? 

To: JackMonroe
From: TheBeast
Sent: Jun 01, '23 19:06
Subject:

And that's exactly what you deserve.

To: TheBeast
From: JackMonroe
Sent: Jun 01, '23 19:05
Subject:

I have no money.  No friends.  

To: JackMonroe
From: TheBeast
Sent: Jun 01, '23 19:04
Subject:

Just stop. You can't buy your way out of this.

To: TheBeast
From: JackMonroe
Sent: Jun 01, '23 19:04
Subject:

It wasn't me.  I'm not MrKuku.  He's dead 

To: JackMonroe
From: TheBeast
Sent: Jun 01, '23 18:31
Subject:

No. You pushed your luck too far this time.

To: TheBeast
From: JackMonroe
Sent: Jun 01, '23 18:31
Subject:

If I resumed payments on behalf of MrKuku would you be positive about me on the streets 

OK, TheBeast.  I hope life treats you kind, and I hope you have all you've dreamed of. And I wish you joy and happiness

"I have a little story about embarrassment, here it goes:

JackMonroe's father, MrKuku and all his relatives loved embarrassing themselves. So everytime they encountered embarrassment, they ran and grabbed it with all the strenght they could and said:

Oh my god! Embarrassment! Lets spend our lives together for all eternity!

The end. Please send money and tips and this is also a non-entry for a non-competition, where's my 20 million dollars?"

I certainly wouldn't hold my breath for any money from a relative of Kuku. They are con men that take and never give back. The only thing you can expect from them is grief. They promise the world, but are nothing more than scam artists. 

LonelyWolf, can you describe the protocols of "the kuku watch"?

Is there a kuku watch penal code? How does one deal with the negative impact on one's shooting prowess that one accumulates by shooting so many innocent souls?

I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS.

I know for a fact these logs can be faked, so let's not jump into conclusions and start taking sides before I get to the bottom of this.

I'm curious about whether people think TheBeast comes out of these exchanges looking better or worse than before?

I'm a recidivist contrarian, so I'm going to say he comes out of them looking better.  He took being scammed out of $80m on the chin, graciously accepted a reneged upon payment plan, lost his top earner and biggest gun, and took being responded to in song lyrics well.

Keep it going TheBeast.  You're a good man. 

Fuck you still talking. Don't be going at my homie no one gives a fuck what you saying.

I'm not frightened.  I'll duel any Chicago WiseGuys or below.

COME AT ME!

MattCollins