The Weekly Gazette

June 07 issue

Kuku gone Cuckoo

MrKuku went amok on the 26 May, abandoning his crew and leaving some destruction behind. It seems that what caused his outbreak was a letter from a supposed made up Competition Commission. The content of the letter said that he was being investigated for "illegaly" rewarding prizes to non-entrants in his competitions. His last moments were marked by offenses, threats, duel invitations, murders and regret, as his public letters showed us. At the end, he was stopped, but unfortunately not before taking lives. Speaking ill of the dead is an ungrateful job, but we must say, what a shameful and embarrassing end.

War

On the same day as MrKuku's breakdown, we witnessed one of the bloodiest wars in our history. Some people still doesn't know exactly what happened or keep believing in absurd conspiracies about this war being caused by the Kuku and non-existants Competition Commissions, but our newspaper is here to clarify. Quiet wanted to retire and she thought that if she did, she would leave PH unprotected, vulnerable to a NY attack, despite NY supporting them in everything they did. Alucard said that he would retire too. During the attack, quiet died from friendly fire and Alucard decided he would not retire anymore, that he instead would take quiet's place as GFC. He also, apparently because of old beef, decided to rogue and shoot Premeir and Mufasa with the help of N-13 and Skorpeon. That made Gimp-Pimp mad and he heroically shot Alucard and then retired. We have here letters containing what Alucard said to quiet, however, be warned because it contains uncool stuff and foul languague: 

Alucard: You'd be nothing without me. That's the best part. I thought up this whole thing. You were just a fucking pawn

Alucard: Retarded cunt lol

Alucard: Go fuck some guy named Julio with his mama in the next room you fucking coke whore

quiet: I mean, at least you admit you're a backstabbing asshole. Good on you.

Alucard: Kill3d all your friends. Retard

Alucard: Fucking kill yourself

That's what betrayal looks like, my dear readers. And that was the main happening at this war, unfortunately it wasn't the only one and we lost many, many people. A minute of silence in honor of our fallen, may they rest in peace.

SuperBee infestation in Chicago

We have received alarming news that a bee infestation appears to be happening in Chicago. Apparently, it started after Mr. SuperBee arrived in these shores and joined a crew in The Windy City. We talked with many residents of the loved city and mostly wanted to remain anonymous.

"Yesterday i received the most beautiful flowers from my boyfriend. I went to the kitchen to grab a vase and when i arrived back at the living room, the flowers were all sticky with an unkown substance. I think they were pollinated! I was able to see a bee figure quickly flying away. Could've been a cat. But i'm pretty sure it was a bee, disguised as a cat." - Anonymous person that our newspaper didn't make up.

We also speaked with one of the bees.

"After SuperBee joined a crew, we were inspired by him and many of us came to Chicago to try to earn a living. We just want to live in peace, pollinate stuff and join the Mafia, is that such a bad thing? Stop with the bee prejudice!" - Anonymous bee.

We shall continue to investigate this mysterious phenomenon, if you have any information, forward it to us. If you have any complaints, send them all to SuperBee's hive in DaDip's HQ.

Sports Section

We are happy to inform that Poker is Back! Yes, ladies and gentleman, Koco took over and is continuing the beautiful work of our lates Mocha and Rain, so you, our reader with gambling addiction, hurry there and join!

Weather Section

Our weatherman informed we shall have warm and sunny days ahead in our beautiful nation. Grab your towels, hats, beach chairs, thermal boxes filled with beers and go enjoy your day! Don't forget to bring your Thompsons though, you never know when bullets will start to rain.

Business Review

Our food critic visited The Queens Chili Bowl, the late Mr. Vaughn's establishment this week, may God rest his soul. Our critic was flabbergasted. He couldn't find a single SuperBee in the precinct. The food was very good and the warm bread had just came out of the oven. Overall, it was a good experience, so he rated it 4/5! ☆☆☆☆

Lost and Found Section

One of our readers has lost his Balls. They hold great sentimental value for him, he use them to do Yoga poses. Our newspaper staff is deeply concerned, as he is a good friend of ours and used to be seen around the streets happily flapping his HUGE Balls around after the Yoga class. So please, if you find his Balls, bring it to our Headquarters and we will happily provide a nice reward of two thousand dollars.

"I can't live without my fucking Balls. Please, bring them back to me" - DaDip

We have received information that a worried mother was looking for her child, which was missing after she drank way too much tea. She started running around the Streets, screaming for her child, when suddenly she found the little boy and everything was okay. It was a moment of great emotion and everyone started clapping. The child then began screaming and trying to free himself from the woman's embrace, when everyone realized it was actually Consigliere Gidan_V. The respectable mobster was infuriated and quickly left the premises, before we could speak to him. Our staff thought this happening was worth mentioning.

Classifieds

- Wise Guy Explosion is currently selling TNT, grenades and fireworks. He also attends large events for entertainment purposes. Send him a letter if you want more information.

- Don NancyDowns is selling good quality and 98% success rate spells. Two of the best ones this week is the "fall in love spell" and the "get rid of bees" spell. Contact her for more information.

Riddle of the week

$ The first reader to answer this riddle correctly will receive a million dollar prize! $

"What is it that falls standing up and runs lying down?"

"Please don't cheat using futuristic searching tools, it takes the fun out of it"

Obituary

SantaClaus who died on a duel. Congratulations DaDip!

Silvio-Dante who died complaining about something that didn't happened.

RIP

"And with that unfortunate note, i would like to say that we are an independent newspaper that aims to bring happiness and good content to you pleople. It's currently made by one person, so if you support it and want to see more, not that same old bullshit from JackMonroe, please send tips. Also, if you want our food critic to review your stablisment, please send us a letter and we will gladly do it. Thank you and until next week!"

This is not a good read.  It's fake news.  The Competition Commission war was a war related to the Competition Commission. 

Harold, get on with it 

JackMonroe get your ass and your jealousy out of here please. Thank you. Are you so salty that your relative MrKuku couldn't write ONE single decent newspaper and have to run here, buy one of mine and say shit about it? Actually nope, keep on commenting and complaining, the more you do it, the more my newspaper gets famous. Buh bye!" The colonel waves and laughs.

Craven did not often read the papers as in past experience they were either full of total bs or just had nothing interesting in them. But this one had caught his eye. After taking a copy and finding a bench to sit down and rest for a few moments, he decided now would be the perfect time to take a look at one was inside.

He was actually quite impressed. Good amount of information, a good bit of humour mixed in with some sad news which was still in the mind of many of the citizens our country, and the final part... the riddle! He read this and let out a slight chuckle...

"Ha, a river." He then made his way down the street towards his next appointment of the day.

"The rain falls upright and runs lying down washing away the bloodstains of the last war."

"Our weekly riddle was solved by Craven, congratulations! He also refused the 1 million dollar prize and donated 1 more million for the next week's riddle! Thanks for the support GFC Craven, we appreciate it!

Wait, so Alucard verbally abused another woman?!

Color me shocked.

Classy.

This was an enjoyable read, congratulations. I look forward to future issues - keep it up, good work.

Nancy sauntered into the streets, a wild look in her eyes upon hearing her name mentioned.

"I will neither confirm nor deny any such spells", she said absentmindely flipping a switchblade through her fingers like magic. 

"I can say, I have never pushed a man out a window who didn't deserve it". 

Feeling no need to expand upon her sudden commentary, Nancy smirked and walked off, snapping the switchblade closed.

Interesting read. Regarding Alucard, temper tantrum insults are one thing, but telling someone to kill themselves is inexcusable. I hope behaviour like this is met with a ban and they take time to think about how wrong a comment like that is.  

Nice work Colonel_Ives.

Thanks for the shout-out. 

I'd like it if this Gazette published reasons for the war and an update as to if it is still going on. 

Who won? 

Gianni Schmianni was a simple man. A man of full blooded Italian (FBI) heritage. He liked to read the news with his morning defecation and no news was better than the Mafia Gazette.

Speaking of news with his morning emptying of his bowels made him think of the other paper in town. The horrific and unhonorable colostomy bag of shit that was EditorInChiefHarold's paper.

"Great paper. Not sure about the Weather advice though. I was on the beach in my Smugglers and full italian leather flip flops when word came through I was needed to provide protection shots due to the Great War. Far from ideal let me tell you that one for free."

The colonel approaches the news stand where copies of The Weekly Gazette were being sold and says:

"Worry not, my dear readers! Thanks to all of you and your support, this newspaper is a success and our printing press is in full swing right now, already making the newest issue of The Weekly Gazette with explanation of all the recent events! I humbly thank you for the generous tips and kind words and soon your hungry for knowledge minds will be feasting on news once again!"