The Weekly Gazette

June 15 issue

War (again)

On the june 9th, only a few days after one of the bloodiest wars in our history, another big war happened. Godfather Marston explained to us everything that happened in details. We highly recommend you go to Redondo Beach and listen to his words. We will make this a short version for those who are lazy or aren't fond of monologues. After the first war, New York and Philadelphia needed strong families and strong leadership, so Godfather Craven and luciano_lucky wanted to send some of their guys to establish in those cities. Marston didn't appreciate this idea, since according to him and to the printable sign-in sheets that hangs above every Crew HQ of our world, those leaders were inactive. So he took NY himself and Balls took over PH, while @Alexia50210 took Detroit. After some time, Marston started hearing rumors that Skorpeon's bloodline, one of his associates, was offering a bounty for Stiffler's head. The man named RocMarciano then asked to go to luciano_lucky's crew and was allowed to do so, after luciano_lucky agreed to keep him occupied til Marston decided to have him killed. It was all going well, until Marston started receiving tips and whispers that LA, LV and DT wanted to attack PH and their allies. Soon it turned into real proof. He then started preparations for a pre-emptive strike. With the help of NY and CH TheBeast, their forces combined together with PH, they attacked and after a long, tiring 36 hours battle, they were finally able to kill the last man standing, luciano_lucky. Our newspaper would like to send a big congratulations to Marston, Balls and specially the late SpikeSpiegel, who was awake for more than 30 hours straight, tending to the wounded and coordinating people. We would also like to wish our deepest condolences to the families of the fallen, may they rest in peace and always be remembered for their bravery.

Yeast Infection Outbreak in Philadelphia

There's a candidiasis outbreak occurring in Philly, our sources confirmed that hospitals started treating a high number of patients contamined with the gross disease, after one of the famous, insanes and sex-fueled Stiffler's parties. We had access to the party list and we narrowed the suspects down to 4 mafiosi. 

Goomba Fungus, who apparently crashed the party. 

"I just wanted to see some boobies, i had nothing to do with this outbreak thing. I'm a virgin, for Christ sake!" - Fungus

Don Balls. At our request, the Balls were submitted to several medical tests. First, the Balls were shaved completely, then they were massaged in search for any protuberances and lastly, but not least important, they were squeezed. The tests were inconclusive, but at least the patient apparently enjoyed it. We are glad to be of service.

MidpoinT is a Chicago resident, but he was at the party and he's known to love hookers. His association with those women led us to believe he might be the carrier of this terrible disease.

"You know who else i'm associated with? Your fucking mom! That's right, i fucked her too!" - Something that MidpoinT would obviously say.

And Godfather Stiffler himself. The man tried to copulate with everything that casted a shadow. We tried speaking with him several times, but his schedule was full. It seems that every hour of his day is reserved until november. We asked his secretary why he was so busy, and she said that it was confidential. We were able to take a quick look into his office while passing through and we spotted some dick enlargement surgery flyers. Suspicious.

We shall continue to investigate this matter and as usual, if you have any information or if you know who the culprit is, forward it to us. If you have any complaints or dick enlargement tips, send them all to Stiffler's HQ.

Sports and Competitions Section

There is an "Unsanctioned CC writing contest" happening in the Streets. The creator of such competition BuckyLasek, was killed after trying to shoot the Earner Ned_Harrington. Ironically, the latter is continuing the work of his perpetrator. Our staff is pretty sure we are yet to see more of this love story in the future. Anyway, if you want to participate or if you're bored and want some drama, go there and submit your best story.

Weather Section

It's summer time! Our weatherman assured us that the next days ahead will be gloriously sunny! Our last issue told our readers to be careful, because you'll never know when bullets will start to rain. That showed how our weatherman was frighteningly correct and if you followed our advice to bring the Thompsons, you're probably alive right now. We have reason to believe that bullets won't rain this time, though. So grab your summer gear, get to the pool and start BBQing undisturbedly. Enjoy!

Business Review

Our critic visited the Light and Fire - Candle Shop in Philadelphia, Capo Explosion's establishment this week. The place itself was very pleasant and you could feel the wonderfully floral and fruity smells all over the street. A great breakthrough for that specific street, since before it only smelled of urine (from the bar nearby) and fish (from the whorehouse nearby). The variety of the products were very satisfying and the quality was the best our critic ever seen. You could blow up an entire HQ with the Beeswax Candle (Dynamite) or disable multiple enemies at once with the Sicilian Lemon Scented Candle (Hand grenade). Our critic just found the prices a little salty, but it was definitely worth it. Overall, a very good place, he rated it 4/5! ☆☆☆☆

Lost and Found Section

Our reader @JohnnySilverhand, had his silver hand stolen. He's offering a 5 thousand dollar reward upon bringing it to him.

"Please, if you have any news or tips on where my hand would be, i would gladly appreciate it. I can't change my name to JohnnyNoHandAtAll, that's just lame." - JohnnySilverhand.

Apache has apparently lost his land. We talked to him for more details.

"Me and my friend PoAtan went out to smoke the pipe and also for some drinks, but we got so fucking high that we lost our way. We cannot find our land at all. If anyone happen to know us and where we live, we will gladly give some of our land's gold, wood and women. We only expect the business to be treated with respect and friendship." - On behalf of our new friends, this newspaper will refuse the help of european men on this matter.

Corky didn't lost anything, on the contrary, she won the heart of our editor-in-chief, Colonel_Ives. Yes, ladies and gentleman, the colonel is in love and we love a good matchmaking! So send the best of luck and good vibrations to the poor military officer and let's all hope she notices him!

Classifieds

- Wise Guy Grouse is suffering with a problem of feather loss. He's looking for a good shampoo that prevents this from happening, so if you're selling, please send him a letter.

- Consigliere Shoresy is selling milk from his elk. Our newspaper staff was flabbergasted. We didn't even knew that elk had drinkable milk. We called our professional taster of weird stuff, MidpoinT. He said the milk was creamy and delicious. If you want to taste it, contact Shoresy for more information.

Riddle of the week

$ The first reader to answer this riddle correctly will receive a million dollar prize! $

"When you need me, you throw me far, far away where nobody can see me. When you don't need me anymore, you bring me back. Who am i?"

"Please don't cheat, my dear readers!"

Obituary

We had many, many losses during the last war. The complete list of deceased can be found here at this prayer flyer attached.

Consigliere Vallenar, who was dishonorable discharged after being caught manipulating the will of the Gods.

AndyGoram, Kuku's bloodline, dying again in the most embarrassing way possible (after shooting a sponsored NY member).

BuckyLasek who also died because he tried to shoot a sponsored member.

RIP

"This newspaper it's still made by one person, so if you still support it and want to read more next week, please send tips, i'd really like to know if its having a positive effect! If you have any critics, opinions and comments, send me a letter, they would be deeply appreciated. Also, if you want our critic or food critic to review your stablishment, please send us a letter and we will gladly do it. Thank you and until next week (hopefully)!"

There were several others who put in about the same amount of time as that SpikeSpiegel asshole. They know who they are. 

The colonel approached the news stand where the newspapers were being sold and said out loud:

"Congratulations to Shoresy for solving the riddle! The prize has already been paid and for those who are curious, the answer was: An anchor." 

Explosion was in his office working on some matters when one of his guards comes in to deliver his mail and hands him a copy of The Weekly Gazette.

He throws the envelopes in a drawer and begins to leaf through the newspaper while enjoying his coffee, and amid the news, information and weather reviews he notices a report talking about his explosive candle shop in PH, euphoria took over his insides and immediately a bulb lights up on top of her head.

"It would be a great idea to open a new branch of Light And Fire in CH and even better to announce its opening in a serious and credible newspaper like this one. Maybe I should consider having a friendlier price this time."

He jotted down this idea in his sketchbook.

Very interesting read here Colonel_Ives. Being from Philadelphia myself I had no idea there was rampant infections spreading. This information has been carefully concealed from many of us by the leadership. 

What could they possibly gain from this subterfuge? Could a full deep dive into the yeasty underbelly of Philadelphia be on the agenda soon? Do you think the recent uptick in sponsored related shootings could be related to the infections? 

I'm just full of questions today. Keep up to the good work here. I think newspapers really flourish with a bit of extra competition. 

Ned neatly folded the paper and tucked it under his arm and twirled his mustache. 

I am personally appreciative of Colonel_Ives describing the events of the past few days as I have been deep in a dissociative state and was not able to make heads nor tails of anything ongoing. However, I will be contacting my legal council for recourse on the discussion of my feather loss issue. Obviously, such personal matters are best kept out of papers and more in diaries and gossip. On a different note, however, it is indeed true that I am looking for feather-loss shampoos for a particular friend of mine who is not, in fact, myself.

What a fantastic read. I Really enjoyed taking my time to work through all of the information here. Thank you for what I am sure was many hours of research to get all these details out to us readers. Great job and look forward to next weeks edition. 

The day arrived that the second issue of The Weekly Gazette hit the stands. In unusually late fashion, Aqua paid for a copy and scanned the paper over her morning coffee. A smile crept to her face at the entertainment and quality. Her smile faded, and she shook her head when flipping to the obituary section. Looking over all the names, some true heroes, she could only mutter, "Rest in peace". 

The coffee shop was bustling with customers, some grumbling, some pleasant. Occassionally she lifted her head to watch them, the amusement returning, causing her to chuckle to herself. 

Aqua thought that she should send a note to Colonel_Ives on such a fine job with the paper, and to wish them continued success. 

Picking up his copy of the weekly gazette SpaceCowboy finds a comfortable wall to lean against as he reads it over. 

"Fantastic edition this week Colonel, you've sure outdone yourself this time. I think I may of seen something that resembled JohnnySilverHand's, hand over at Venice beach but who knows."

SpaceCowboy pulls out a pen and unfolds a piece of paper writing down a suggestion, putting it into the suggestion box. 

"Could we get some of your favorite human food recipes? Asking for a friend."

TheBeast wonders by, tossing some cash to a Gazette salesperson hawking their wares. He was impressed, here was a paper that had facts and not the propaganda that riddled the other publications. Here was a paper he could get behind. 

"This is great stuff," he said to the salesperson

TheBeast returned to his limo. After giving the nod to the driver, the car sped away.

"Thank you all for the amazing tips and compliments, we of The Weekly Gazette are very happy with the positive feedback! We will continue to try our very best to bring information and humor to you every week!" The colonel then reached for the suggestion box and nodded:

"This is a great idea from SpaceCowboy. A recipe section should be interesting, we shall definitely work on that!" 

WHAT.

A.

READ.

whaddaread.  I,for one, cannot wait until the next issue is released.  Am I able to subscribe to regular deliveries?  

"Interesting rundown there friendo"

Fenton says with a smile as he plays catch-up. He was a busy man and often enough was not always paying attention. The other day he left the house with his sock and shoes but no pants, it's a fools game.

"Now I am scared to leave the house who knows what sorts of infections and ugliness will be out there waiting for me."

Mikey put down his copy of The Weekly Gazette after reading it for the 8th time in as many days…

This is the best paper Ive ever read! 

When’s the next issue coming out?!

I CANT WAIT!

"Fret not, my dear readers! The new issue of The Weekly Gazette is being written right now. Again, i appreaciate the tips, suggestions and compliments, you guys are awesome!"