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| The Harold Vol III, No 2: I have many questions | Started by: EditorInChiefHarold on Jun 15, '23 22:42 |
ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS. From the basement of Shamrock • Thursday, June 15th • Vol III, No. 2
FRONT PAGEHELLO LOYAL READERS. We're back on the usual weekly schedule now. No more vacations, no more destitute poverty, no more hobos trying to snort my printing ink while I sleep under a bridge.
After my initial negotiations with about 12 different Crew Leaders in this thing of ours have failed, I have finally struck gold and am now graciously allowed to use Shoresy's HQ basement for operations. Thank you.
THE STATE OF THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS
Last week 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 declared the declarative intention to declare a Journalistic Jihad on The Weekly Gazette, our one and only rival newspaper. Following a very negative review of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 from Colonel_Ives laden with personal insults and doubling down on threats to encroach on 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻's monopoly we made good on our promise and declared the Journalistic Jihad.
It only lasted a single day (during which no Journalistic Fatalities occurred) as 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 and The Weekly Gazette settled things peacefully shortly after. A (written) sitdown was held, we've put aside our differences and ambitions for a monopoly, and concluded that we both want what's best for Journalistic Landscape and The Streets.
There is peace in the lands of Journalism again, amen, bababooey.
SACK BLACK MAGICOn Jun 10 at 14:34 something completely unheard of was observed by one of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻's many reporters.
Balls was spotted housing 31 members in his headquarters, an unspeakable feat no doubt involving black magic of some kind. We have an undercover reporter journalist in his HQ THIS VERY MOMENT trying to find out how Balls managed to defy all laws of physics and shoved 31 members into a building which, by all spatial laws of causality, only 30 people should be able to fit.
We've already managed to disprove the following popular theories:
* The use of mirrors to make it seem like there is more members than there really is
* The count of 31 members being a bookkeeping error, and there actually being 30 members.
* The use of a pregnant woman to count 2 members who logically only take up the space of a single fully-grown adult.
* Counting pets as members.
* Counting dead people (whose bodies can be stacked for easy storage in for example a fridge) as living members.
* Counting the Balls of every member, skewing the numbers based on how many male mobsters are present.
Supporting the "black sack magic" theory, it is said that ghostly wails can be heard from The Sack HQ at night on Tuesday evenings.
When we asked Balls for a comment, the only reply we were given was "My sack is stretchy".
Ominous.
THE COMPETITION COMMISION WAR 2It was a bloody war, and probably the most exciting and least one-sided battle since the historically famous Fareham War (where nearly the whole world was destroyed because a crew leader shot their own hand for a joke someone else made).
People died, a lot of them. The End.
Let's get to the exciting part:
THE CC'S INVOLVEMENT
𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 would spill all the juicy details about the CC's involvement but the investigative report, compiled by our reporters, was burned in an arson incident whose target was the warehouse it was kept for safekeeping. The report from the local firemen and police says this was an accident but I call bullshit. This was a targeted attack against The Free Press.
The reason I am so certain it was not a mere accident is because only days before the arson incident I was sent many threatening letters telling me shut my trap and not report on The Competition Commission War 2.
I'm not sure whether the letters came from The CC, or if they came from TheBeast.
THE INHERITANCE OF LEMON CITYIn The Competition Commission War 2, Lemon city was razed to the ground. There were even rumors that The Competition Commission War 2 might in part have happened because of the nickname "Lemon City" itself (it was rumored that one of the reasons that LA/LV were planning to take out NY/PH was because Godfather Craven found out everyone called him "The LemonFather" behind his back due to 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻's previous publication).
A new group of families have now taken over Las Vegas. But one thing has not changed about Vegas: their god-awful yellow suits.
We asked Jesse, the new head honcho, if he was going to use the name "Lemon City" from now on. Just like when we asked Craven, we got no reply. sigh.
Is history repeating itself?
UNSANCTIONED COMPETITIVE WRITING COMPETITION (U-CWC) TAKES UNEXPECTED TURNYesterday a new type of competition took shape, a Competitive Writing Competition not sanctioned by the Competition Commission. Permits were not obtained, no guarantees were made that non-entrants would not be given prizes while legitimate entrants starve in the streets, and the general atmosphere was one of rebellion against the Competition Commission.
A POWER STRUGGLE
A Competition Power Struggle ensued, with both the rebellious BuckyLasek and CC strongarm Ned_Harrington battling for control over who gets to shephard the competition.
It seemed that, despite there being some turmoil, that due to the Competition Commission stepping in this would end as a Competitive Writing Competition without any casualties (a most impressive feat). But when everyone thought this would end bloodshed-free the unthinkable happened and BuckyLasek took aim at the Competition Commission henchman. Luckily the shot missed and Bucky was swiftly dealt with.
BUT IS THIS WHAT REALLY WHAT HAPPENED?
We've conducted interviews, we've heard the witness statements, at face value all evidence points to @Bucky_Lasek having shot first.
However something smells. Perhaps of marketing buzzwords and Snake Oil.
Though we have no evidence (which we suspect has all been expertly swooped up), we at 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 suspect that maybe this was yet another covert cover-up. Did BuckyLasek really shoot first? Or was he pre-emptively taken out to do away with dissent in the Competitionosphere and prevent more rebellious Unsanctioned Competitions? Perhaps some money changed hands to account for the "witnesses"?
Can we really trust the word of someone who calls themselves "Head of Marketing"?
Who knows? 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 doesn't. We're just speculating. We're no threat. Please don't hurt us.
HOT SCOOPS FROM THE COMMUNITYA GLITTERED GOAT (Sniffler)
𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 got a panicked report from Sniffler this his prize goat Keith was "glittered" on the 12th of June. What is being "glittered"? Apparently it's when someone drapes you in pink and purple glitter, hanging a sign around your neck saying "you have just been glittered". WHAT THE FUCK.
We have a couple of suspects but have not been able to determine the culprit with absolute certainty. We ask that the culprit turns themselves in, only yesterday on the street corner next over we saw people band together against animal cruelty targeting dogs promising to hang whoever hurts an animal. Don't let this get out of hand.
HOT SCOOP (Riddler)
What a bizarre scoop.
A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: THE ORIGIN OF MY MONOBROWEvery. Single. Fucking. Day. I, Chief Editor in Chief Harold of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻, get letters either making fun of my facial hair or outright telling me to shave it off. I average about 53 a letters a day of the kind. I've had it, I'm publishing the origin of it to hopefully obtain your sympathy or at least make you stop sending me stupid fucking letters about it.
The caterpillar that's become my trademark is a genetic defect, carefully reproduced in my genes through selective breeding in the 12th century perpetrated by generation upon generation of wealthy aristocrats. Yes, that is how long this cruel joke of nature goes back and why you'll see it on every member of my lineage. It's genetic, I cannot get rid of it.
Why did they do this you might ask? What's the use of a caterpillar on your forehead?
The answer is that there is none, the wealthy aristocrats literally did it because they thought it was funny to have a legion of monobrowed servants hop around the castle cleaning windowsills. My ancestors were bred to become a cruel mockery of nature, much like the chihuahua.
This concludes this Issue of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 !! Please Leave me Money and Tips (information)!! |
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Deadlikedead if you think I have violated the any regulations on newspapery or you suspect me of plagiarism you're free to report my publication to the authorities and they'll sort it out. I find it very rich to have this allegation come from a lineage who only recently hired a ghost writer and couldn't even be fucked to take their credentials out of the published work. The pot calling the kettle black. But OK.
As for the communications I shared here, they were obviously not of a confidential nature. Any confidential correspondence is handled with more care and secrecy. |
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| Reply by: EditorInChiefHarold at Jun 16, '23 06:40 | |
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@EditorChiefHarold with that kind of fire in your soul are you sure you aren't a Full Blooded Italian? All you need is a white vest, a chain and a hat and you can become an entry level F.B.I informant? |
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| Reply by: GiannaSchmianni at Jun 16, '23 10:36 | |
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I haven't seen a good roast like that since I visited your mother's house for Christmas. Very well done here EditorInChiefHarold. I would like to offer a slight correct though. There is almost no tangible evidence the Competition Commission silenced the late BuckyLasek. I wholeheartedly sidestep any questions regarding my involvement in the matter and refuse any requests for a detailed accounting of the whereabouts of the Competition Commission Enforcement Division. I, of course, have nothing to hide. |
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| Reply by: Ned_Harrington at Jun 16, '23 13:15 | |
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Someone shot Harold. |
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| Reply by: Shiv at Jun 16, '23 15:36 | |
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| Bang boom, he did it to himself again. Nothing to worry about, he already is back and soon flourish with fantasy again. Im sure of | |
| Reply by: DeadlikeDead at Jun 16, '23 16:44 | |
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DeadlikeDead are you saying that he organized this hit on himself? For what possible purpose? Could this be some sort of insurance fraud scheme? I recently received information EditorInChiefHarold took out a 80 MILLION dollar life insurance policy on himself. Who is this mysterious benefactor? I HAVE QUESTIONS |
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| Reply by: Ned_Harrington at Jun 16, '23 18:40 | |
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As a fulll blooded Italian man I often chow down on the finest authentic pizza mama Schmianni can make as I am doing now. If you can't understand me it's the mozarella clogging my throat. I perhaps don't always get the correct customs of this strange land. Based on my olive skinned head (from my full blooded Italian heritage) it looks like DeadLikeDead did not like Harold. Is this correct? I cannot blame them for this for I also did not like Harold. He actually tried to write a story about how everytime I defecate I shake the poo out of my fine Italian trouser leg. Thankfully my lawyers from Rome put a stop to the story coming to light else I'd be extremely embarrassed. What was I saying again? THE GREAT COMPETITION COMMISSION SCHISM IS TO BLAME FOR HAROLDS DEATH. |
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| Reply by: GiannaSchmianni at Jun 16, '23 19:50 | |
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Rest in peace my dear brother EditorInChiefHarold. I have lost a brother and gained 80 million dollar in insurance money. And the publishing rights of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 of course (something worth far more than 80 million dollarydoos) as I was designated the heir! It is said that my father was murdered by his shepherd Shoresy, though the exact article or statement that caused his demise was never specified. I may have 80 million dollars in insurance money, but that doesn't make me less of a cheapskate. I'd kindly request 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻's printing presses and delivery boy Salvatore to be returned to me from Shamrock's HQ basement where my father set up operations.
NOW, ON TO ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS LIKE A GOOD JOURNALIST WOULD
I don't believe he was a Full Blooded Italian, nor was he a Central Italian Aristocrat for that matter. We are a lineage of Anglo-saxon origin, our roots hailing back more than a millenium.
I'd say that's a reasonably fair assumption.
You've used this term twice already, what precisely do you think is plagiarised in the original newspaper that my father published? |
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| Reply by: TheHarold at Jun 16, '23 21:33 | |
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Georgette was awake at a very uncharitable time for a Saturday morning, and she was not thrilled about it. The Sun had barely begun its own day and yet here she was fully dressed and out on the streets, in what one could only describe as a tragically abysmal mood. Georgette prided herself in her sunny disposition, stiff-upper-lip and general pleasantness but not today. Today she wanted to stay the hell away from everyone, and a strong pot of coffee. During her journey to resolve the problem if a lack of coffee in her life, Georgette realized another paper had been published. She picked a copy up and scanned over the headlines, nodding her head and mumbling to herself. Tucking the paper under her arm she pulled out a few coins and dropped them in the hand of the waiting newsboy. "This will go well with my morning beverages." Georgette said, realizing the newsboy didn't care, hell she barely cared. "Thank you." She added before heading off to resume her journey, her mood only slightly approved by such journalistic endeavors that awaited her. |
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| Reply by: Georgette at Jun 17, '23 06:38 | |
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