ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
THE EXILE OF HAROLD; AN INTERVIEW WITH MIDPOINT; SNIFFLER AND GRIN

From under an unnamed bridge • Thursday, June 22nd • Vol III, No. 3

Journalistic Quote of the week:

Colonel_Ives runs a better paper anyway

- GiannaSchmianni

FRONT PAGE

HELLO LOYAL READERS. It has almost become a tradition now that no 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 is ever published by the same Harold as the previous one. It is an inviolable axiom of society that no 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 affiliated Journalist walks these shores for longer than 7 days before being violently done to death. Such is the way of things. We'll see if I survive this publication.
 

THE STATE OF THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS: THE EXILE OF HAROLD

It appeared to be all peace and kumbaya in the Journalismosphere last week, my brother EditorInChiefHarold had joined the crew of Shoresy thinking that he had found a place to publish his paper in peace. But alas, it was not to be. He got shot within a day of publishing his newspaper. The exact offending article or remark was never specified and no whisper was left.

It was shortly after that his brother and heir to the publishing rights, TheHarold (me), set foot on these shores. He joined the crew of Riddler hoping to find a home. As TheHarold was in the process of moving his printing equipment into the HQ basement he was told to beat it by his boss within an hour of joining.

It was later that 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 found out that TheHarold was dropped due to his CL's mailbox being flooded by threats from enemies of The Free Press. Apparently the enemies of The Free Press find the thought of a Journalist not sleeping under a bridge for a single night quite the frightening thing. We are unsure of their identity, but suspect it to be either The Competition Commission, TheBeast, or perhaps both (or maybe they are one and the same?).

There was also about 13 distinct 100k bounties placed upon my head but that's chump change compared to the 80 Million Dollar donations (or a Beast as it's now called) I receive on the regular so we won't mention it.

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE NOTORIOUS MIDPOINT

We've had to spend an EXORBITANT SUM OF MONEY to obtain it, but 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 has managed to secure an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with MidpoinT where we were allowed to ask 5 questions and he promised to give candid answers. I'm sure that when you see the contents of this interview that some of you will cry SLANDER, FABRICATION and will perhaps even call for my public beheading.

We assure you that this is 100% genuine.

What follows is the unedited transcript:

𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻: Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule of insulting literally the entire registry of mobsters in the six cities to have this interview with us. Let's get right into it: What is your opinion on the yellow colour of Las Vegas?

MidpoinT: it reminds me of the color when i had diarreah the other night

 

𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻: Wow, that certainly is quite an uhh... visceral way to describe it. It's generally agreed upon that the yellow suits that the entire Vegas Cabal wears are an absolute eyesore and physically hurt the eyes. Personally we think it is closer to the colour of a certain Citrussy fruit though. Have you noticed that Jesse has a citrus smell on him?

MidpoinT: No Jesse more smells like semen

 

𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻: You're really coming out swinging huh? It's definitely not the words 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 would use to describe it but we respect your right to your own evaluation. Now we've often heard the name "Lemon City" being used to describe Vegas (recently it even PUBLICALLY came out of a Godfather - Chairman's mouth), we've heard it said by your own highly esteemed person as well. Why do you refer to Las Vegas as "Lemon City"?

MidpoinT: Lemon city is pretty fucking funny looooool i like it

 

𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻: That doesn't answer the question but OK. We can understand that you don't want to spill the beans on this one but you didn't have to pretend that this was the first time you ever heard that name. It's an open secret at this point. No need to beat around the bush. From this we gather that it's probably just about all we're going to get from you on the subject so let's skip the other 34 questions about Lemon City we had prepared and go on right ahead to the closing questions. Ahem.

As you know The Journalismosphere is a controversial and dangerous sector. Journalists are despised, ridiculed, threatened and sometimes even exiled from civilised society in its entirety. What is your opinion of Newspapers and The Free Press?

MidpoinT: I think everyone should say whatever they want fuck it. I do.

 

𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻: Amen brother, amen. If only everyone on this godforsaken cricketball of an earth was as much of an enlighted renaissance man as you. I think we'll end it on a high note like this before you call me funny names and insult my facial hair. Any final words?

MidpoinT: Yall hoes.

HOT SCOOPS FROM THE COMMUNITY

THE SECRET AMOUROUS AFFAIR OF SNIFFLER (Anonymous)

It has been said by a certain prominent anonymous mobster that Sniffler has been spotted going to the 12th Street Public Toilets at an alarming frequency as of late. When Sniffler had said it at a Philadelphia barbecue after downing several glasses of wine through his absurdly long snout everyone thought it was a joke, seeing how 12th Street has been closed off for a while.

But after the 12th Street Public Toilet Custodian confirmed to our investigator that this was, in fact, a conniving double-bluff we had to look further into this scandal. It turns out that Sniffler has allegedly been seen frequenting the 12th Street Public Toilets at the exact same time as the next of kin of "Grin-22", well known JFMAST laundry basket dipping hobgoblin. The identity of the Grinlet is as of yet unidentified. The Custodian also mentioned an increase in empty ky-jelly tube littering on the Public Toilet premises. Highly suspicious. Allegedly.

We suspect that the "Goat Glittering" incident of last week was, in fact, a hoax, a distraction invented to try and keep the reporters of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 occupied and draw away our attention from Sniffler's alleged amorous double-life.

Sniffler denied any and all allegations, and calls it "anti CC propaganda being spread by the CCCP". When we followed up asking if he is hereby confirming his own membership of The Competition Commission, he replied that he is "a member of the league of extraordinary anteaters", who does sometimes work together with the CC but is an entirely separate organisation.

WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS?

Rhys reads the newspaper then approaches TheHarold.

"I've had enough of your disingenuous assertions."

Then he punches him in the face and leaves.

TheHarold gets up and wipes the blood from his nose and eyebrow.

"It's always the same with you lot. You don't like the FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE TRUTHS that a Journalists publishes, and instead of refuting it with a FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE REBUTTAL you just resort to violence like an ape."

"I'd have more respect for you if you had written your own newspaper, son. Write a mile with my pen."

Is that scumbag Grin giving interviews? 

Indifference puts down his copy of The National Enquirer Harold.  He smiles to himself and isn't quite sure if he's more informed, but he does know that he is more entertained.  

"Bravo, sir.  Hopefully you are training your son in the ways of the written word to provide the next issue.  As you stated - it's unlikely you're here!! Cheers - and all the best, Pal."

Mistakingly, Stiffler picked up a copy of The Harold Vol III thinking it was a Hustler. Nevertheless, he decided to read on anyway, he’d sort his hard on out later.

I enjoyed this edition, refreshing to see some different topics and not some of the same stuff previously pressed. A good effort my man, keep going. The newspaper game is strong at present, and that can only bring about better journalism.

Thank you for your appraisal of my paper Godfather Stiffler, it's a feather in my cap.

And not thank you for your appraisal, Left Hand Lemon Deadlikedead, that's more of a black eye for me. Also I don't think TheBeast needs anyone to defend him, he's his own man(Beast).

"I'm with my Full Blooded Italian brother DeadlikeDead. I use the paper mainly to scoop up the poop that falls out my trouser leg. It's also great for liking hamster cages and for soaking up cat piss from the floor. Fucking house cats... DEVILS."

Gianni frowns.

"The HELLrald of the underworld. The Harold of the underHELL. The HELLrald of the underHELL. HELL HELLHELL of the HELLHELL."

GiannaSchmianni stop trying so hard to get "Journalistic Quote of The Week" twice in a row you son of a mozzarella. This isn't a competition, a matter of entrants and non-entrants, and there is no prizes (for either entrants or non-entrants).

Hey, TheHarold. I've made some adjustments to your headlines, hope you don't mind. 

ℍELLR𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝHELL

SCHMALITY, SCHMATCHUAL SCMNOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
THE SCHMEXILE OF SCMHAROLD; AN INTERVIEW WITH MIDPOINT; SNIFFLER AND SCHMRIN

From under an unnamed bridge • Thursday, June 22nd • Vol III, No. 3

 You owe me money for wasting my time on your printing presses. This place is filthy and disgusting and nothing at all like he Gazette printing offices. Not a single doughball or cheese string in sight. 

GiannaSchmianni you can't even get the typesetting of the title (the most important part of the newspaper) correct.

You're fired.

Also stop sending me wedges of italian cheese to prove your italian heritage, I'm lactose intolerant.

"I ran out of ink and had to switch to using some Ricotta instead. Ricotta, it turns out, does not hold up well to the rigours and stresses of modern Mafia schmournalism. I would apologise except the consensus seems to be that you're a con artist and a swine, and as a Full Blooded Italian male I do not have to apologise to pigs."

GiannaSchmianni Who have I conned? Please write a detailed article on the subject of who I have allegedly conned if you can. If it's FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE JOURNALISM and well written I'll consider rehiring you.

Here, you can use one of my many 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 branded fountain pens. Should work much better than that wedge of stinky greasy disgusting cheese.

Tick tock, the clock is ticking.

TheBeast rode by in his limo and the driver had to make a sudden stop. Some idiot child was blocking the street, raving mad. TheBeast having the window down, heard screeching from the little boy. The boy had a couple pieces of paper and was writing furiously in crayon. The little guy was trying to hock his "paper" to people nearby. Most just laughed and walked on, finding amusement in a childs fantasy of being a journalist. The little kid, known as "harold" who was orphaned by more families than a leper, started to cry. Life was unfair, he claimed. So many high ranking and noble crew members who had made something of this life, shunned him. So many crew leaders had kicked the boy to the curb, not wanting to be associated with a known liar and degenerate such as harold. TheBeast chuckled to himself. 

"So much for 'factual journalism'" TheBeast said then rolled up the window, and waved for the driver to continue on his way. 

Are we just going to brush over the fact that GiannaSchmianni seems to have some sort of grievance against pigs? Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, of course, but it seems very naive to belittle pigs in a society where they have historically held a large amount of sway, authority, and influence in the happenings of our world. Personally, I hold pigs in high regard. Especially the flying variety.

"Listen here TomJoad you saucy little sex bomb. It's not unusual for a Full Blooded Italian such as myself to lack faith in Pigs, flying or otherwise.  Instead of being negative I'd appreciate it if you helped me find a nice Full Breasted Italian wife. Woah woah woah. Yes a lady."

All of this was said in a fantastic Italian accent. The kind that got people all hot and bothered under the collar. 

I am very keen to hear more about the alleged meetings at the 12th Street Public Toilets. 

Is there anyone out there who can start an investigation into the movements of Sniffler, not only to ascertain the exact motives for his rendezvous but also to find Grin. I believe ClamTubularagula has been looking for him. 

This sort of behaviour is not what the 12th Street Public Toilets was commissioned to host. The late, great HeadCoach would be turning in his grave.