Hello, everyone. I'll be hosting a competition. What will the competition be? Well, that's simple, this is a competition for who can write the finest ode to money. Be it a song, a story, or a small limerick-- everything is on the table, so long as it is about the green. You could tell the tale of the time you won your biggest jackpot, or tell us a rhyming poem about your favorite thing about cash. My favorite thing about it is how plentiful it is in my vaults.

Throwing a few credits into the air, he watches as they pelt the floor, flying in every which way, as a few smaller ducklings run around the area cleaning them up before anyone could accidentally actually take one from good old Scrooge.

Ahh, money. I do so very much love it.

Anyways, this brings me to the most important part of the competition: Prizes! Everyone loves prizes, and oh they will be completely barren here. You may win a hustle hangover token, or even if you're lucky, a pied piper! Those little fellas love to run around wrangling up the rats for you, they're so very helpful.

What you won't win? Money. It's mine. All mine.

Throwing the credits back into his personal vault, he slams it shut before putting in the eighty letter-number combination code. Someone from Italy invented it just for him a few years ago, utilizing the newest and greatest technology in anti-theft. Absolutely no one could break into this, it was impossible- don't try.

So, who's going to step up first and take part in this wonderful competition?

Rules:

It has to be about money.

That's it. Fuck rules. Except for the one this competition has.

(You really aren't going to win anything good. Trust me. I'm stingy by nature. Quack.)

Cash, Cash, the sturdiest Money
The more you make, the poor look funny
The worse they look, the better you feel
Screw them, lets make a deal.
-
I heard a song it sounded so sweet
I smelled some sulfure as I followed the beat
A presence came near and then grabbed a seat
Horns on his head and hooves for feet.

A sack of gold had appeared with a flash
"I hear that your only desire is cash"
A contract appeared and a small joint of hash
I signed on the line as he left with a dash

All of that money got me out of a stitch
I'm ignorant now that I'm filthy rich
My spending finger is nursing a twitch
Give me donations and don't be a bitch.
-
Money, Money, the magical thing
The more you make, the more you sing.
The more you sing, the better you feel
Hail Satan, Thanks for the deal.
 

Lots of crime with lots of dough
Why would you be like that though?
You could be legit as hell
Make that cash, serve clientele
Pay those taxes and get your name embossed
Fund welfare and get your salad tossed
With that money it's almost improbable
That you'll find anything you want to do impossible

Amused, Knusprig looks into the round of hobby rhymers. He takes the liberty of reciting something slightly inane, hoping not to heat up the tempers here too much:

My salary

It's like a woman's period

It comes once a month

It is gone again after a few days

And when it doesn't come

I have a problem

Knusprig grins sheepishly, doffs his hat and walks on.

Oh my! What an incredibly sensitive topic you just proposed for your competition during these trying times. In fact, there was just another run on the bank this morning! And I hear they're considering taking us off the gold standard. What will become of us THEN? I-

I gotta say... This sounds really fun! I'll participate:

Cash is green, cash is green

You'd sure feel blue without it

So figure yer target, pilfer their wallets

And blend in areas crowded

-

Cash is king, cash is king

And you can't rule without it

So to all I say that crimes does pay

You'd be a fool to doubt it

Bows.

I would like to thank everyone that joined my humble competition. While not many people signed up, it was a rousing success and I have given prizes to everyone that entered. While I wish that I could have given better prizes, I didn't get rich by handing away my cash, you know? So just deal with what you were given.

As of today this is now closed and no one who entered from hence forth will receive any prizes, cash, or other types of gifts. The winner is me, for only having to give away a few pied pipers-- that dumb bastard was running around with his pipes pissing me off, so I'm glad to have finally been rid of him.

Sorry to everyone that didn't enter, you missed out on potentially getting a map of the durden hideouts, I have a bunch of those, but they'll now be tucked firmly inside of my vaults forever. I will never be hosting another competition again, I've already given too much.

The End.

ScroogeMcDuck what about the non-entrants? I have seen no explicit statement saying they don't get anything or condemning them as worthless bums not even worthy of any mention, so I'm forced to assume that there's a teeny tiny cosmically small possibility that there might be a massive prize for me in store.

Quack quack motherflocker.

I didn't enter this competition.  What prizes are available? 

The proverbial beggars are at my proverbial gate proverbially pissing me off, which is precisely why moats were invented. However, something stirs inside of me. There's a feeling that cannot quite be placed in my proverbial lexicon, my gut wrenches and I lack the ability or perhaps understanding to explain it. Proverbially, I exclaim:

"You want prizes? I'll show you prizes."

Loading up my cannon with much fervor, I unload a few potential perks atop the heads of JournalistHarold and Job. Raining down upon them seems to be something worth more than money, but rather knowledge. As if he were Santa Claus himself, the understanding of how to do Organized Crimes in a more studious manner is given to Job by the Duck-- for a month, at least.

For Harold, he receives a blow from the cannon that knocks him onto his ass, his head scrambled in the fall and when he awakens the understanding of how to pickpocket more precisely for a month will be gifted to him, if he so chooses to use it. Once the cannon lets off the last of its helpful smoke, Scrooge smiles.

"I hope this is what the two of you were looking for. Enjoy your gifts. Like I always say, keep your money tightly wadded up in your pockets, and allow knowledge to flow freely. You are both very welcome."

NOW SCRAM

I've seen all I needed to see here ScroogeMcDuck.

Your gift cannon constitutes as prizes and as EVERYONE is aware awarding prizes to non-entrant entrants is HIGHLY ILLEGAL. According to the Competition Commission Official Competition KeepSafe Handbook (CCOCK) all non-entrants must be thoroughly screened and undergo a background check. Failure to do so can result in a ban from the Competition Commission or even worse hefty fines from the Commission.

As per Section 86F-001-984-23B:

1. Purpose This section of the Competition Commission Handbook aims to regulate the entry of non-entrant entrants into competitions organized or overseen by the Commission. It establishes guidelines for conducting screenings and background checks to ensure the integrity and fairness of such competitions.

2. Definition 

   • Non-entrant entrants: Individuals or entities who do not officially participate in a competition but attempt to enter nonetheless.

3. Prohibition of Non-Entrant Entrants

   • Non-entrant entrants shall be strictly prohibited from participating in any competition governed by the Competition Commission.

   • All non-entrant entrants shall be subject to appropriate screenings and background checks before being granted access to any competition-related activities.

4. Screenings and Background Checks

   • Upon identification or suspicion of a non-entrant entrant, the Competition Commission shall initiate a screening process

   • The screening process shall include the verification of the entrant's identity and confirmation of their eligibility to participate in the competition.

   • The background check shall entail a thorough examination of the entrant's personal history, including criminal records, prior disqualifications, or any other relevant information.

   •  The Competition Commission reserves the right to employ external agencies or resources to conduct screenings and background checks as deemed necessary.

5. Enforcement and Penalties a. 

   • Failure to comply with the provisions outlined in this section may result in disqualification of the non-entrant entrant from the competition. b. In case of intentional or repeated violations, the Competition Commission may impose additional penalties, such as fines, temporary or permanent bans from future competitions, or legal action as permitted by the law.

6. Confidentiality 

   • All information collected during the screening and background check process shall be treated with utmost confidentiality and used solely for the purpose of determining eligibility to participate in the competition. b. The Competition Commission shall adopt appropriate measures to protect the privacy and sensitive data of non-entrant entrants, adhering to relevant data protection and privacy laws.

You probably believe that you have me, back against the wall and unable to fight, but I can assure you that I can hire the cheapest lawyers in America and keep them under my employ for days at a time all the while hiring other, cheaper lawyers who help me sure the first set so that I don't have to pay them as much all the while having a third set of free lawyers at my disposal who will pull off extensive slip and falls at the offices of the second pair so that they're so tied up with litigation that they forget they ever had worked with me in the first place. Then I simply kill the third grouping.

You see what I'm trying to say here? I don't play by the rules. The rules play by me. I will not be giving you anything or agreeing to any terms until at least one set of my extremely cheap lawyers look through all of these bylaws and I'll have to warn you-- they're so cheap that I'm not sure they are entirely law literate. One of them may have told me they went to the law school of hard knocks, take that for what you will, but these guys are ferocious and will bring order to these lawless competition committees.

Ever since my grandfather survived a shot from a Kuku himself, I have known that my family line was put on this earth for a better reason than even I can fully comprehend. Also, since you've technically entered my competition...

The duck loads up his cannon of perks and allows one to fly through the sky, squarely hitting Ned in the arm and knocking him back just enough for the blow to have altered his hands to be faster, for a month at least, in the art of pickpocketing: A skill that many mobsters, especially those with fake law degrees, would find very useful.

Don't spend that all in one place.

You've made an enemy for life my friend. 

I will never forgive this unwarranted generosity. The Commission's lawyers will be waiting to hear from your lawyers. Unlike your pitiful cheap lawyers, the Competition Commission only hires the BEST lawyers from Jim Baxter's School of Law and Friendship. 

It comes as no surprise that your non-entrant entrant prizes resulted in the DEATHS of both non-entrants. The rules exist to keep people safe! If you circumvent these rules preventable tragedies such as this could be entirely preventable. 

Stop the Death. Respect the Commission. 

I must admit to all of you here and now, the past few days have been quite tumultuous. I have, on quite a few occasions, felt myself being watched and even worse than that, followed. Each time I feel that I am about to unmask the would-be stalker, it turns out to just be yet another old lady crossing the street or young men playing a game of hockey out on the pavement, and yet, each and every time, it feels so real and I can almost assure you that someone is ever present.

My therapist told me to speak with a doctor and my doctor told me to speak with my therapist and the shady guy on the side of the road gave me these pills that keep making me throw up. Nothing is helping. Then yesterday, it happened, from the corner of my eye I can swear that I saw Ned_Harrington sliding around the floor staring at me with a pair of binoculars.

Scrooge sighs and stops speaking for an entire minute. It's really long and uncomfortable, but he refuses to elaborate why he took all of this time to just stare off into the distance. What a weird duck.

I can't prove any of this, but the commission clearly disapproves of what I was doing here and I can no longer hide it. Yes, I was breaking the rules and to apologize I am shutting this down forever, and no one else will be able to receive any more prizes. I just want to be able to get a full night's sleep again without hearing the scuttling of a tiny man's feet right outside of my bedroom window.

Please, enough is enough. That's all I had to say today, thank you for your time.

The Scrooge McDuck Money Competition - CLOSED INDEFINITELY