ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻
QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
A MONOPOLY ONCE MORE; HAROLD CLEARS HIS NAME; CHICAGO EVENTS AND EULOGIES;
From TheWanderingJew's foreskin storage room • Saturday, July 15th • Vol III, No. 4
Journalistic quote of the week:
DeadlikeDead always knew what to do with a paper named harold of the wonder under hell or what the name now was
- DeadlikeDead
FRONT PAGE
HELLO LOYAL READERS. There has been a lack of issues, this warrants an explanation. Over on this coast my predecessor, TheHarold, got shot shortly after the release of Vol III, No 3 by an assassin sent by an as-of-yet unidentified organisation opposing the Competition Commission (CC). Then, unbeknownst to me, an impostor claimed to be the heir of the publishing rights soon after (more on this later).
Then on a different coast, that of The Old Country (England, where my anglo-saxon roots lie, not Italy), a family member came down with poor health which saw me crossing the big pond to visit them and say my goodbyes. Such is life. 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 shall truck on in their memory.
THE STATE OF THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS: A EULOGY FOR THE WEEKLY GAZETTE
Our one and only rival on this miserable bitch of an earth, The Weekly Gazette, is now facing a succession crisis with the demise of Colonel_Ives. This means 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 gets to enjoy a monopoly on news once again, though unknown for how long.
We will now share a eulogy for The Weekly Gazette:
If you were to ask me, The Gazette was not my cup of tea.
This might be naught but a hunch, but it felt like The Gazette frequently pulled its punch.
Though putting my own bias aside, The Gazette was enjoyed far and wide.
All that shall now remain, is Ives' giant mountain of Cocaine.
Here lies The Weekly Gazette
Maybe alive, Maybe Deadtte
The Competition Commission Convention Scandal:
JournalistHarold clears his name
In order to provide context, we will give a summary of the timeline of The Competition Commission Convention Scandal (anyone who wishes to get a detailed understanding is advised to read The Competition Commission Convention Day 1 transcripts.
So to summarise:
- It is announced that TheHarold (who was a real Harold) will give the keynote speech for the first day of the convention
- TheHarold is murdered by anti-CC agent ScapeGoat in a duel through sabotage of his armament
- TheRealHarold, another anti-CC agent, quickly shows up and claims he is the heir of TheHarold
- Ned_Harrington is fooled by this and gives TheRealHarold the stage to give the keynote speech in TheHarold's place
- The Competition Commission Convention comes around, and TheRealHarold gives a speech decrying the CC and inciting the masses to riot against """oppression""" by the """tyrannical""" CC (god, what a fool.)
- TheRealHarold is shot on stage mid-speech for his diatribe against the CC and being a ultra lame party pooper in general
- No further talks were held after the first day of the CC Convention, probably due to the turmoil caused on the first day
SO WHY ARE WE MENTIONING THIS?
We want to make it unequivocally known that 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 is a staunch supporter of The Competition Commission, we believe that competitions need oversight and policies to ensure that no prizes are handed to non-entrants, and that they remain fair and bloodshed free (cough Lincoln_Lawyer Competitive Writing Competitions, cough).
We emphasise that "TheRealHarold" has no connection to 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 and that therefore we pose no threat to The CC. We condemn the lies and vile rhetoric spewn by "TheRealHarold". We will not repeat their claims in printing as we believe it to be without Journalistic merit.
We would also like to kindly request The Competition Commission to stop sending agents to tail me. I have been getting relentlessly stalked by these feathered-cap wearing enforcers and received many threathening letters. Once again: we are supporters of the CC, we pose no threat. Please leave me alone. I want to be able to shower without any peeping toms again.
CHICAGO GETS LEVELED - EVENTS AND EULOGIES
THE EVENTS
A couple of days ago, the unthinkable happened. We all thought that TheBeast, with his keen political prowess and strategic loansharking business sense, was going to survive at the top of his game for 3, maybe even 6 years. Instead we wake up to a leveled city and a legacy squashed. SAD.
Initially it was thought that this kerfuffle, started by MidpoinT's failed attempt at reviving old JFMAST customs of allied BG wacking, was going to be settled with just MidpoinT's death as it was followed with a full day without any further bloodshed.
TheBeast thought differently however. Not being pleased with one of his upper-structure members being shot without so much as a consultation or a ceremonial sitdown, he decided that blood had to be repaid with blood and shot spacey. This of course led to things escalating rapidly, and within half an hour the wrecking of Chicago had begun.
THE CLIMAX
In a tragic twist of fate, TheBeast ended up being one of the last Chicagoons left standing. Everyone expected him to go out fighting to the bitter end, but everyone was surprised when TheBeast suddenly walked out of the cover of his HQ. We have witness testimony describing what happened:
A line of gunmen had formed outside of the HQ of TheBeast, cars were lined up with gunmen sitting behind them taking aim at The Asylum. TheBeast walked out in his trench coat, his hands raised in the air as a sign of surrender. He then said the following.
"Only of you shall go down in the annals of history as the man who managed to kill TheBeast. Which one of you will dare to be that man?"
A short period of silence followed while TheBeast scanned the faces of his opponents. Then he quickly drew a pistol from his coat and shot himself in the head before anybody had the time to react.
It turns out that a bounty of 100 million dollars had been placed on TheBeast's head. Knowing that the bounty office would flush the reward down the toilet (or spend it on strippers and cocaine) if TheBeast was to die at his own hands, TheBeast decided to take his own life. What a lad. Rest in Peace.
THE EULOGIES
We wish to pay our respects to several distinguished figures:
- 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 will remember Colonel_Ives for daring to write a newspaper in such a dire and dangerous climate for Journalism.
- 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 will remember MidpoinT for his attempt at reviving the JFMAST institution of allied BG wacking and mandatory mugging.
- 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 will remember TheBeast for turning the hunting of kuku into a national sport and his many wackbacks on unsponsored Gangsters.
- 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 will remember spacey for his innovative suggestion of building a bed out of the many italian cheeses sent to us by @GianniSchmianni (which Gianni did to prove his full-blooded-italian heritage after we called him a half-blooded italian schmuck).
- 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 will remember D0m3n1c as the last true heir of Mafia Basketball.
Rest in Peace. Amen.
CHICAGO GETS LEVELED - THE SPECULATION
There had been speculation that TheBeast was part of The Competition Commission's upper echelons, his constant attempts at hushing up any public discourse of the CC was suspicious to say the least. Though it was a theory rampant in private journalistic circles for a while, recently it was said aloud in public by a non-Journalist, TomJoad, indicating that public opinion was swinging this way as well.
If our previous speculation is true, perhaps the prospect of an upper-echelon member being publically revealed panicked the CC, and they sought a way to get rid of TheBeast. Perhaps MidpoinT was coerced by the CC to carry out the BG shooting, as the CC knew it would eventually spiral out of control and result in TheBeast's (and Chicago's) demise. Perhaps. Maybe.
A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR - A NEW AGE FOR JOURNALISM
Though we of course mourn the loss of Chicago and its distinguished personalities, we do think that perhaps, with #1 Enemy of The Free Press TheBeast gone, there will be a safer climate for Journalism. We have had many incidents in the past where crew leaders were pressured to exile Journalists from civilised society, or Journalists were shot outright for their publications.
𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 thinks competition is good (as long as it doesn't intrude on our niche which we'd like to keep a monopoly on), and thus invites any aspiring Journalists to SEIZE THE MOMENT and start a newspaper of their own. We think that the climate for Journalism will be much less hazardous than before.
There has never been a better time to start a newspaper of your own. PURCHASE A TYPEWRITER AND SEIZE THE MOMENT.
This concludes this Issue of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 !! Please Leave me Money and Tips (information)!!
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