Monte's History - The Lincoln_Lawyer Ordeal

Popular demand dictates that I, as the sole historian of this thing of ours, take some time to discuss The Lincoln_Lawyer Ordeal, more commonly known as The Ordeal.

BACKGROUND TO THE ORDEAL

Nowadays, it's entirely normal for the Competition Commission to oversee contests, ensure prizes are given to entrants and, most importantly, minimise casualties.  This wasn't always the case.

The Kuku lineage more or less invented the concept of incentivised competitive writing.  Those early Kuku sponsored contests did see some limited casualties, but they were not mass casualty events.  They were not free of controversy, of course, some people alleged that the contests were rigged.  This has been written about previously.  If anyone is interested in this long forgotten, and not very important history, then I can help you look in the right direction.  

The Kuku lineage promoted and facilitated the Competitive Writing Community.  The CWC were harassed and harangued by a group known as "the Fantasists" who often spoke of werewolves and fictional entities.  This was against the spirit of the CWC.  The CWC was also subjected to relentless slander from a man named The Rock.  Despite all of this, Kuku lineage contests continued, awarding prizes, and seeing some of the best writing ever to be assessed competitively.

A man named Mr_Keating was involved in promoting an unregulated competition when he was alleged to have shot and killed a Consigliere named LostBoy.

THE DEATH OF LOSTBOY, AND THE AWARDING OF COMPETITION PRIZES TO A NON-ENTRANT

Popular history suggests that Mr_Keating, a Made Man, shot and killed LostBoy, a Consigliere for no apparent reason.  Except for the very real dead body of LostBoy, there is no evidence to suggest that any of this is true.  But nevertheless, Lincoln_Lawyer, a lawyer tasked with holding the competition prizes in escrow, brought the competition to an end and awarded the prizes to LostBoy's son.  It has to be made absolutely and emphatically clear that neither LostBoy or his son had entered the contest, and that at that stage in history, it was not accepted practice to award prizes, particularly all of the prizes, to a non-entrant.

THE ORDEAL BEGINS: LINCOLN_LAWYER COMPETITION

Clearly spotting an opportunity for self-enrichment, Lincoln decided to kill Mr_Keating, using the tragic, senseless death of LostBoy as a rationale, and then make a bid for the CWC himself.  He raised funds, something Mr_Keating did not do, and launched a competition.  

Understandably, confusion reigned supreme.  Who would judge?  How much were the locum judges getting?  Would non-entrants be awarded prizes?  Answers were not forthcoming.  What was forthcoming was death.  A lot of death.

THE LINCOLN_LAWYER'S ORDEAL

So many people died in this "competition" that awarding the prize to a living person was simply impossible.  Lincoln himself acknowledged that over 60 people died during his competition, including many prominent and extremely rich mobsters.  Who killed them remains unknown.  LostBoy's son's whereabouts remain unknown.  Whether, or not, Lincoln even gave LostBoy's son the prizes is not known.

All that is known is that possibly 40 times as many people died during Lincoln's competition that all other competitions combined until that moment in history.

Death, death, DEATH.

And then Lincoln teamed up with a Godfather, a descendent of Kuku knew someone who told a joke, and then a war happened, with Lincoln heavily involved, that killed literally everyone.  

Between his attempts at running contests, and his boss killing everyone because someone other than Kuku told a joke, saw an ordeal the likes of which this world has never known.

DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?

Thank you for this primer on one of the more important historical events of our generation.

It's important that people read this, to understand how Competitive Writing Competitions became to be the destructive carnivals of death that they are at present, and to understand why we need the Competition Commission to protect us.

All in all a QUALITY, FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE historical account.

I have but one question about some of the technical lingo thrown around: what is a locum judge?

Ian had long endured the idiocy of this tiresome trolling lineage. Having ignored the recent iteration of it, he saw that the subject was still garnering some response in the street. He decided to come to the conversation and intervene.

"Hello. I know many of us will have known generations of this moronic and self aggrandizing nonsense. The man responsible for this has come from a long line of social blemishes that have never invested their efforts in anything but antagonism, lies and delusion. For many of the longer standing bloodlines this is like a rash that simply won't clear up.

Now, to my presence here today. As my contribution to the effort to put this tedium to rest, I have presented the culprit with an offer. I have given the irritating pest's next of kin a lifeline. And offer. I have told him that if he meets the strict requirements of my right hand man, he may be permitted to live under my roof. The cost of this extraordinary generosity will be that he has to refrain, absolutely, from any public nuisance such as this. For the entire duration of our existence. 

For anyone newer or at a loss to understand why I, or the vast, VAST majority of the community may have issue with this. Let me illustrate by taking at look at just this one appearance."

Ian turned to a transcript of the speech. 

"Ok, so off we go..."

Popular demand dictates

It doesn't. Nor has it ever.

Nowadays, it's entirely normal for the Competition Commission to oversee contests 

No it isn't.

ensure prizes are given to entrants 

I've yet to hear of any prize money ever arriving with any contestant.  

The Kuku lineage more or less invented the concept of incentivised competitive writing

Quelle surprise, another ridiculous comment from our self aggrandizing desperado.

some people alleged that the contests were rigged

They absolutely always have been.

Kuku lineage contests continued, awarding prizes

Again, absolutely untrue.

LostBoy, a Consigliere for no apparent reason 

Other than the fact he will have worked diligently and remained loyal to his family and their principals.  

So many people died in this

The very definition of an inflated statistic. I mean most people, even the wack-jobs, can't turn zero into a number.

Lincoln himself acknowledged that over 60 people died during his competition

 Perhaps during but by no means because of it.

Putting down the transcript and turning back to the audience, he went on.

"As my effort to apply a balm to this public irritation, I will offer this deplorable vermin a lifeline. What he does with that will decide, once and for all, my line's final stance toward his.

For the sake of us all, I hope that against all odds and accumulated data, this bog-blocking shit-stream comes to an end.

Thankyou for your time."

Ian you are man of clear ambition and power and I respect you greatly. Yet you are in self confessed exile. How can the common Full Blooded Italian male trust your words when you have voluntarily withdrawn to the periphery of society? That fella from Del Monte looks to be telling a compelling tale full of mischief and madness and mozzarella.

Ian smiled at Gianna,

"That's a fair question Gianna. The family is named Exile but that's... lets call it a private joke. A little humor goes a long way I find. My line was in exile for a long time. Indeed a few of my ancestors have ended their mob lives and gone back home for years at a time. Sicily is such a breathtaking place, you can hardly blame anyone for not wanting to leave it. Still, a call was made and here I am. I suppose the name was a little reference to my exile there.

As for DelMonte's routine. It is just that, a circus act. All bluster. A public speaker much akin to a tabloid hack, with nothing like their need for journalistic rigour. A hysterical parasite who's only aim in life is to create smoke without fire. I am not holding my breath that his line's habits will change, I just hope we get at least a couple of weeks of peace from the relentless banality."