It was time, the show was about to begin. As the duck stumbled his way in front of a few men and women who were clearly not plants paid to stand in front of everyone, he wiped his brow from any perspiration and began to speak loudly and clearly for anyone in the area to hear what he was about to say.

Has... has this ever happened to you? You're walking around and someone threatens to kill you or destroy one of your properties, and now you're sitting there with your hands in your pockets just wondering what's next? This very thing happened to my grandfather, as one day when he was minding his own business: He was shot at! Imagine if he had died without first having life insurance, I wouldn't have been able to become the industrious and wealthy duck that I am today.

That's why I've decided to open up Scrooge's Unlimited Cover from Killings and Everything Rude that will help you with everything dangerous that life might throw at you. Every day at least five million* mobsters die from violence within the mafia and only two percent(!!!) have any sort of insurance! Billions** of businesses are burnt to the ground and only eight percent(!!!) are able to get any money from their banks to help them rebuild and regrow!

Can you really sit there and be happy with your life falling by the wayside? That's why we at Scrooge's Unlimited Cover from Killings and Everything Rude have decided to open up shop for every mobster in this good country.

"How much is it!?", one of the clearly not planted women says aloud, a few decibels higher than normal so that everyone walking around could be sure to hear her, a smile crept on her face when Scrooge gave her a thumbs up for entirely no reason whatsoever.

I'm so glad you asked!

For your piece of mind here's the charts on how much the Scrooge's Unlimited Cover from Killings and Everything Rude will cost you, and trust me, its well worth the price:

Life Insurance: $50,000,000 ($75,000,000 if you're over the age of 80)

Business Insurance: $15,000,000 ($20,000,000 if I decide I want to charge you more)

Hurt Feelings Insurance: $200,000

There you have it. If someone shoots you, blows up one of your businesses with a few bombs, or calls you a mean name, then you could be covered and not have to pay anything else out of pocket! Isn't that a deal? I sure think so. Anyways, that's all that I really had to say about this whole rigamarole. 

To make the process simpler, just send me the money and I will automatically add you to the insurance. You don't have to do anything else! I hope that you all decide to keep a peace of mind, because you never know when someone is going to shoot you, or plant bombs in your business and blow it up.

"This all sounds grand, I'll take one of each!"

"Me too!"

As the people screamed at the top of their lungs how impressed they were, Scrooge grinned and waited for more people to come and invest in this grand opportunity of insurance that was entirely real and would yield great results*** for them.

*I made this number up

**This one too

***Results are not guaranteed