ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
SURVEY RESULTS; AN EXPLOSIVE THREAT; AN UNDERGROUND PLOT???

Chicago Hellhole Basement • Friday, July 28th • Vol III, No. 6

Journalistic quote of the week:

"Why anybody would choose to waste so much time writing such irrelevant meaningless drivel is beyond me. Consider a change in careers and get a life."

- Anonymous survey respondent

FRONT PAGE

THE DEMISE OF JOURNALISTHAROLD

I am at a mental impasse. On the one hand I am sad that my father, JournalistHarold was taken from me so soon. On the other hand he maybe had it coming after declaring himself to be above the genetic laws of the lineage of Harolds by publishing more than a single newspaper, and arrogantly basking in the glory of being the first among his peers to reach the rank of Made Man.

Ned_Harrington made the connection that most likely the cause of his demise was the fact that he accepted a non-entrant prize in a competition, essentially making him an outlaw in the eyes of the Competition Commission and designating himself to be shot on sight (possibly by his very own associate after missing on him twice).

Let this be a stark reminder not to take non-entrant prizes, no matter how tempting they may be. It's not worth it.

A Harold Survey: THE RESULTS AND NUMBER CRUNCHING

Last week we held a survey, inviting the mafia peasantry to tell us how to do our job, and to pass judgement on how well we are currently doing it. We want to sincerely thank everyone who took the time to fill in the survey. Really. Thank you.

We shall present the results today. Let's start with some FACTS and NUMBERS:

• We have had a total of 14 respondents
• Around 75% of respondents think 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 is a "Good, quality newspaper with factually accurate news".
• 0 RESPONDENTS THINK 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 IS A STEAMING PILE OF HOT GARBAGE THAT SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.
• We have had only a single terroristic threat (more on this later)
• About 65% of respondents are certain there is a secret plot to overthrow the current crop of leaders. About 20% don't think there is. 15% is undecided.
• Respondents think the most overrepresented subject in the paper is anything having to do with TheBeast.
• Respondents have varying opinions on what they want to see more in the paper, with ideas ranging from deep-dives into controversial historical regimes, to spreading awareness of haemorrhoids, to doing a critique of Systematic Immolation of Thought, and investigating the national security risk that Canadian Geese represent.

CRUNCHING NUMBERS

What can we tell based on these numbers and what are the conclusions of our hard working mathematics-and-statistics department?

To quote myself:

My father always said that about 1% of any given audience bothers to fill in a survey when given the opportunity to do so, unless there is a prize involved, then the percentage jumps up to about 3% (however we did not dare to add any prizes to this survey in fear of being bossed around by The Competition Commission).

Given the current numbers, this would put us at a reader-base of APPROXIMATELY 1400 MOBSTERS. An unprecedented number which blows out any kind of reader-base that a newspaper propped up by the notorious Kuku bloodline ever had. Get Journalistically dunked.

We beat "The Herald of The Underworld", We beat "The Chicago Tribune", we even beat "The Fucking News". They are small fry compared to the Newspaper Empire that 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 came to be through its reporting of HIGH QUALITY FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE news.

Another, perhaps more startling conclusion, is that with the single terroristic threat that we've gotten (more on this later) it would make about 1 in 14 mobsters a Terrorist. Shocking numbers, I know, but we have to throw aside any emotional knee-jerk reactions and accept the numbers as FACT.

To put this into perspective, this would mean that every 30 member crew that currently exists has AT LEAST 2 of these nefarious scoundrels walking amidst their ranks. Do you trust the crew member on your right? The one on your left? What about the one which sleeps in the bunk above you? Do you trust the HQ kitchen Chef? The HQ pet dog? I wouldn't.

We recommend Crew Leaders who house 14 or more mobsters to be vigilant given these revelations. Ask yourself who could be a threat in your crew, and consider organising a sitdown with them.

ASTROLOGY?

We were also suggested to add an astrology section, and the respondent even offered to write it for us. We highly recommend this respondent to start their own Astrology Tabloid. Here at 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 we only deal in FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE news. None of that mystic hippie shit.

A Harold Survey: EXPLOSIVE THREAT AGAINST THE FREE PRESS. WHODUNNIT?

The war against The Free Press and this newspaper (curently being the only member of The Free Press) continues. This week: a terroristic threat is sent in as a reply to our survey. Here is a photographic reproduction of said threat: PHOTO

The fiend wanted an 80 million dollar treasure that neither I nor my father possess(ed). We have not negotiated with the threat maker. Instead, in truly self-immolating Journalistic fashion, we've done some digging into this cowardly affair and present to you three prime suspects.

We shall leave it to the court of public opinion to point out who shall be named the final guilty party.

SUSPECT 1: ImportantBusinessman

What is our reason for suspecting this important businessman to be involved in the unimportant business of Journalist Extortion? My father was having a most cordial and pleasant exchange of telegraphs with renowned CL Ian mere hours before last week's publication, when @ImportantBusiness suddenly interrupted the conversation with an ominous message:

To: JournalistHarold
From: Ian
Sent: Jul 20, '23 19:46
Subject:

Sent as Ian by ImportantBusinessman.

Beat it, Hobbs.

At first my father did not know what to make this of this. Hobbs? What is a Hobbs? Is this cool slang that I'm too old for to know?

A few days later, after the explosive threat was received, we were suddenly able to connect the dots. Hobbs is an anagram: H.O.B.B.S. Hurry Or Bombs Blast Soon.

ImportantBusinessman had sent us a warning. MOST SUSPICIOUS.

SUSPECT 2: ScroogeMcDuck

We shall now reproduce an incredibly incriminating exchange of telegrams that we've had with the featherhead Mr Duck:

To: ScroogeMcDuck
From: StandbyJudgeHarold
Sent: Jul 24, '23 19:35
Subject:

Dear sir ScroogeMcChuckleDuck,
 
My father was in possession of a letter he received written through glued together glyphs from a magazine.
Due to an administrational error at the post office I appear to have lost possession of it.
Would you have a copy of it that I can use for future reference?
 
Kind regards,
StandbyJudgeHarold

 

To: StandbyJudgeHarold
From: ScroogeMcDuck
Sent: Jul 24, '23 20:01
Subject:

Sounds like you're trying to trick me. Why would I have such a photo on my persons? Did you share it with me?

 

To: ScroogeMcDuck
From: StandbyJudgeHarold
Sent: Jul 24, '23 20:04
Subject:

I was told you'd have a copy, I cannot reveal my sources.
 
Don't you have a copy?
Why are you hiding the fact that you have a copy from me?
How did you know that the original copy was an image and not a written letter?
Is your real name even ScroogeMcChuckleDuck?
 
I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS

 

To: StandbyJudgeHarold
From: ScroogeMcDuck
Sent: Jul 24, '23 20:07
Subject:

I've said too much.
I have to go. Rhys is calling for me.

How did Mr Duck know that the threat was sent in photographed format when it wasn't made public yet? Why did he have to leave so suddenly?

Scrooge being the culprit would explain a lot of things, like why he was so insistent on selling me overpriced insurance policies. Why would I insure my life for 50 million dollars when my net worth is the approximate of a measly 2 million? Sure, the publishing rights of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 may have a worth close to a billion american dollars but that's not the kind of thing I can insure. A total scam.

But: we wouldn't put it past him. Or perhaps instead of the singular culprit he is an accomplice who just wanted to take advantage of the situation to make a quick buck? ("Never waste a good crisis"?)

Now who could he be an accomplice to? Enter suspect 3.

SUSPECT 3: Rhys

What do we know about Rhys? Very little. What do we base this accusation on? Very little as well.

Any time I was haunting ScroogeMcDuck with MANY QUESTIONS he would suddenly be called away by Rhys for God knows whatever reason. Strangely enough this would only happen when I was attempting to draw information out of Duck about the explosive threat. When I was discussing other things with Mr Duck (like how I could set up a business selling newspaper hats to grow filthy rich) our conversation would never be interrupted.

It is said that a true mastermind operates from the shadows and keeps a low profile. We think Rhys fits this category perfectly.

WHODUNNIT?

We don't know for certain. Please let us know who you think is the most likely suspect, or bring in a totally new suspect of your own even.

FOR SALE: HATS

We are now officially selling folded newspaper hats for the low low price of 20,000 dollars a piece. We will not tolerate anyone buying a standard issue of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻 for the standard price of 10 cents and folding them into a hat yourself.

That's theft. Despicable.

This, this, this, this, this, this slanderous, this dangerous, this unholy pile of most unscrupulous shit. I ask you one time only, where are your scruples, my good man? I was sitting here, waiting for the first edition of the newest Harold and I receive what is not only the most libelous paper in the history of papers, but I'm not even put as the top suspect? You'd think that a businessman could pull off these sorts of threats better than I could? I can move a fucking mountain.

Jul 28, 19:43:33

You sent StandbyJudgeHarold a $200,000 tip.

Scrooge looked down at his wallet and dropped a few hundred thousand dollars into a bucket in front of the Harold's distribution centers, which looked to be a lot like the parking lot of a small grocery chain, which was extremely convenient for the Duck as he hadn't shopped for his dinner yet today. Two birds with one stone, what a terribly offensive saying for Scrooge to even think of at this moment, but it was the most apt that could come across his mind.

Would someone who is threatening to send you to kingdom come truly give such a philanthropic donation to a newspaper that is quite frankly worth one tenth of what you've just been given. This isn't even ink, what is it? It smells a lot like ketchup. Have some respect about what you're doing and go buy yourself an actual printing press.

The Weekly Gazette would have never been this amateurish about a bomb threat. Tsk.

Without really expanding on anything that was being talked about, the Duck let off one last disappointed quack and left.

Scrooge runs back out of the grocery store having a brilliant idea. While the Harold may not fear Scrooge and not care about his vastly important credit-based insurances, he knew one thing that the man did fear... something that would put the fear of every God known to man into the poor sad sack of a newspaper aficionado.

Impromptu The Harold Competition

Just next to where Harold was handing out his paper, a competition that was most definitely NOT part of the committee opened up and began to tell everyone the rules to said games:

Everyone who enters receives $10,000. Prizes will be given out even after the competition ends. As with complete non-compliance with the committee and their rules, there will be absolutely no judges and all discretion on who wins or loses will be directly decided by me, and I will be cheating. One Grand Prize Winner of $1,000,000 will be given at random, and at any moment I can change who that winner is at my sole whim: even after the winner has already been announced.

This is completely NOT by the books and StandbyJudgeHarold is my official #2 in this competition. I cannot stress enough that I have decided he will be my second in command on any and all choices that are made here today. Thank you for your time.

Now lets see who's laughing.

I would like to register as a non-entrant in your sham of a competition that will, in all likelihood, turn into a bloodbath since you are refusing the oversight of The Competition Commission. And people wonder why so many remain non-entrants? I will not even THINK of entering any competition without the protection of The Competition Commission. It's there for a reason, folks.

TomJoad, seething with anger, charges out in the street and flip over a table that is set up there for some fucking reason...

"I'M FUCKING PISSED! This! See this you people!"

"THIS is what happens when you circumvent the Competition Commission! We were promised $10,000, and I received only a fraction of what I was promised!

GODDAMMIT I AM SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW!

I hope this puts the debate to rest once and for all. We NEED The Competition Commission! This bullshit would never happen under their watch!"

Josie sits back and puts her feet up while sipping tea and reading the newly dropped paper. She scans through but then something catches her eye..

SUSPECTS... she reads some more.. Sounds legit. She remembers a time when ScroogeMcDuck held her horse named Tuna up for ransom for a billion dollars. Of course needless to say she didn't pay. She just went down to the basement and took away all of his play money. There was a lot of quacking and a lot of waving of webbed hands and the rest is kind of unspeakable. Josie chuckles with the memory of it all. 

Rhys, however, is a good boy. Josie will have no such words said against him. She raises an eyebrow and grumbles. My personal thought would be TheWanderingJew since he loves money and is always trying to steal from my pockets like the little petty thief he is. 

Interesting paper, well done. 

I would like to state in plain language that I am not affiliated with this fraudulant scam of a competition ran by ScroogeMcDuck (who would've thought that ScroogeMcDuck would come up with something even worse than his overprices insurance policies) and that he's just trying to pull me into a Competition Commission scandal in hopes of getting me thrown off a skyscraper.

I support The Competition Commission and their Mandate of Heaven, and denounce these kind of lawless competitions.

That being said, how does one enter the competition ScroogeMcDuck?

Your accountant makes note that $9,959 has been wired to StandbyJudgeHarold from your account. The note "Congratulations on entering the competition, you are now officially part of the impromptu harold competition which I've been told may be a very dangerous thing. Oh well. Congratulations on your winings." was included.

 I am glad to officially announce that StandbyJudgeHarold has graciously accepted winnings from the competition, and as such is now part of it whether he wanted to be or not. I hope that someone like Ned_Harrington doesn't see this and become made aware that Harold has and I quote "entered the competition ScroogeMcDuck".

Congratulations to both entrants.

As for Josie, she has not entered and as such will be receiving $25,000 as a secret hidden prize which had not been told to anyone at the onset of the competition. Breaking yet another rule. This is quite the insane impromptu competition and I really hope that no one catches wind about what is going on, hidden just beside the Harold's very own Newspaper stand.

Meanwhile at the Competition Commission Headquarters. 

Ned was in the midst of enjoying his afternoon tea and finishing off his second box of biscuits when he was interrupted by a loud commotion coming from the front-hall of the headquarters. This of course was an unnatural occurrence in the Competition Commission Headquarters, a place known for its quiet and calm atmosphere. Piqued by this, Ned decided to leave his sitting room and go to investigate the noise. As he approached he could hear raised voices and soaring anger amongst the gathering Commission members.

“They can’t keep getting away with this! Something must be done immediately!” Many voices murmured in agreement. As Ned approached the group, they began to quiet. The Commission member held out a freshly printed copy of the HAROLD of the UNDERWORLD and relayed the events surrounding the ScroogeMcDuck’s sham “The Harold Competition.” 

Already we’ve seen TomJoad scammed by the devious acts and now it seems that even one of our own StandbyJudgeHarold has turned against the Competition Commission. I had thought that damned Duck learned his lesson and repented, but I see that I have been too soft on him. This requires the full might of the Competition Commission to take on ScroogeMcDuck and his crony StandybyJudgeHarold. 

This is a Commission-wide directive. We are initiating Protocol Q. We need to surround and quarantine the entire HAROLD of the UNDERWORLD staff, offices, and bank accounts. Seize all their assets and section off the area. We need to purge this filth from our streets.

Georgette, I need you to send a message to Competition Commission Central Intelligence immediately, we need to activate ALL the sleeper agents. We are going to need everyone in order to go after ScroogeMcDuck, but this raid on The HAROLD will send a clear message. 

Ned looks around at his fellow Commission members. I had hoped we would never get to this point, but these illegal competitions have gone on for too long. We will put an end to all of this!       

It had been sometime since Ginge had visited the streets, he wasn't one for reading the news normally but the latest edition stating it was 'FACTUAL JOURNALISM' caught his eye.

Fresh out the barbers, where he had his ginger ninja wig trimmed he scanned through the latest release and noticed a few hats were for sale.

Ginge remembered he had been invited to a fancy dress party by ducking next weekend so thought he would buy a couple of JudgeHarolds hats.

He spotted a few different shades of ginger hats he couldn't say no too

Your accountant makes note that $60,000 has been wired to StandbyJudgeHarold from your account. The note "3 x ginger hats" was included.

Ned_Harrington as previously stated I am not ScroogeMcCuck's crony nor am I affiliated with this shambolic disaster of a faux-competition of his.

Yes, I did receive an amount close to $10,000 in non-entrant prize money but I've swiftly thrown it into my fireplace. non-entrant prize money is like leprosy, you want to minimise contact with it to prevent getting infected and having to deal with the deadly consequences.

I will FULLY COOPERATE with your investigation and will offer no resistance: I have nothing to hide, I am innocent, I support the wonderful institution that is The Competition Commission. I hope that once this investigation is concluded I can continue to publish my papers in peace.

ScroogeMcDuck I want nothing to do with you anymore you motherquacker. You bloated penguin. You feathered fuck. Go duck yourself.

You're almost as much of a security threat as the Canadian Goose.

How quickly Harold throws his co-partners under the bus when they're inconvenient to him is very interesting, don't you think? Makes everyone who may want to support this joke of a paper realize who they're giving their confidence to. At least, that's what it looks like to me, standing here in the dirt where I've been thrown by the surprisingly strong "Judge".

The Competition is CLOSED

I will comply with these demands and stop the madness. I apologize to everyone who may have potentially almost been hurt, I just want to be somebody and... I guess I flew too close to the sun. I don't want anyone to be hurt, or lose their business licenses. I just wanted to bring smiles to the mob, but this was clearly not the way to do it.

Send me your finest story in my mails and I'll send you some cash, I guess. Not a competition at all, I just want to hear people's stories. Creative writing, if you would. Sure, there will be winners and losers, but this is definitely nothing to do with the creative competitions of the past which saw so much death.

I can't stress enough how little I want someone to shoot Harold right now. That's the last thing anyone should want. ALL that I want is for people in private to send me creative stories and in return potentially receive prizes. That all. This is NOT a competition that anyone can enter. That's the last thing I would want any commission to think.

That's all. I'll leave now, Harold. Again, I apologize for any potential hurt that may have happened today.

Let us put aside all these illegitimate competitions (of which I'm happy they have been put to a close as that should hopefully put a stop to the Competition Commission enforcers tailing me) and ask ourselves why ScroogeMcDuck was scandal mongering to such an extreme degree today.

Could it have been an attempt suck up all the oxygen from another far more serious trash fire by creating a new dumpster fire right next to it? Would the initial trash fire that a certain McDuck could allegedly be drawing oxygen away from potentially involve a threat against The Free Press of which we're still currently trying to figure out the culprit?

I don't know, I'm just asking questions here.

Think about it.

Meanwhile back at the Competition Commission Headquarters. 

Ned_Harrington suspiciously looks around the Headquarters. He had received mail from several outside individuals on the dealings going on inside his very own organization. Ned, of course, knew that the cunning ScroogeMcDuck and his lackey StandbyJudgeHarold had bugged the Commission and they were listening in on the conversations going on here. 

Is it possible they have a mole inside the Commission? It could be possible, but who… No it couldn’t be. If they had someone on the inside they would have discovered the deception. Ned_Harrington looked around at his fellow Competition Commission members, sturdy cardboard cutouts, every single one of them.

“Georgette! Fold and pack up the Commission. We are moving to a new location, this Headquarters has been compromised. I have business to attend to in the Streets.” 

Ned approached the Street corner where StandbyJudgeHarold and ScroogeMcDuck were peddling their shams and deceit.

Well, well, well. I suspect by now you two have come to terms with the immensely powerful force that is the Competition Commission. As many of you may be aware, the Competition Commission is conducting an investigation and audit of The HAROLD of the UNDERWORLD and the related businesses. We have reason to believe that ILLEGAL prize money has been funneled through this business for the purposes of being distributed to Entrants and Non-Entrants of illegal and immoral competitive competitions. 

Our Competition Commission (C)Accountants have already discovered over 80 MILLION DOLLARS in illegally obtained Competition prize money and funding and they’ve only just begun looking into records. You still have time to turn in your co-conspirators StandbyJudgeHarold and try to earn some clemency. 

Ned_Harrington I don't know what you're talking about. I am not involved in any sham competitions, now do I possess any 80 million dollar family treasures of former Godfathers.

I am the Chief Editor in Chief of "𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻".

I don't know anything about any shadowy business that an organisation known as "The HAROLD of the UNDERWORLD" would be up to.

Oh don't worry StandbyJudgeHarold. After we finish with "The HAROLD of the UNDERWORLD" we will be moving right down the list to "The HEROLD of the UNDERWORLD" then to "The HAROLDS of the UNDERWORLD" then to "The HEROLDS of the UNDERWORLD" then to "The HAROLD of the UNDERWORLDS" and finally, we will get to you at the "𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻". 

We will leave no stone unturned and we will certain be looking into this claim you make of "I possess any 80 million dollar family treasures of former Godfathers." 

I hope you've kept all your receipts. 

Should I apologize? Did I take things too far?

I... I really think this is for the best, Ned. I'm going to leave now, sorry Harold, sometimes things just happen. I hope you're able to make it through this inquisition from the committee. You're a good guy.

No, this is how things need to be. Patting Harold on the back, the Duck walks away for the last time, but not before turning around and staring at Harold. Taking in the sight of this sad sack.

Good paper, by the way. I really learned a lot. Sorry you never found out who threatened you. Rhys will be happy to know you haven't been able to figure things out, too,  I'm going to go tell him now. Farewell.

Oh don’t think you’ll be getting away that easily Mr. ScroogeMcDuck.

Ned flips open his pocket notebook. 

We’ve dispatched agents to DuckSales in Detroit and The Money Bin in Las Vegas to begin investigation into your schemes.

They will be looking into the allegations that these businesses have been operating using money obtained from fraudulent competitions. No longer will the Competition Commission sit idly by while the good people of our world are being taken advantage of with false competitions. Just to have their winnings taken and funneled into businesses and back into the pockets of the fraudsters.

Many have begun asking questions about HOW you obtained your vast wealth Mr. ScroogeMcDuck and the cracks are beginning to show. We will get to the bottom of this. Do you have anything to say for yourself? 

Tom Joad, momentarily forgetting the two dollars that he is owed. The same of which he was cheated by an unscrupulous and unethical duck, sits back and watches events unfold...

"Would the Competition Commission be intimidated? Never, ever, in all my days here have I seen anyone succeed in such an endeavor. It is a fool's errand."

"Or is ScroogeMcDuck the hero we deserve, but not the hero that we needed? Or is it the hero we needed, but not the hero we deserved? Fuck, who knows. But will he be the one to finally take down the behemoth? Can he slay the dragon that is the Competition Commission? Or is he a terrorist trying to destroy the one stable institution of civil society we have left?"

This is intriguing stuff.