ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
NEWSPAPER AUTH; ROASTED DUCK; MORE DEATH; JOURNALISM COMPETITION?

Chicago • Friday, August 4th • Vol III, No. 7

Journalistic quote of the week:

"apologies for your wasted effort"

- Fungus

FRONT PAGE

I am at a dangerous point in the natural lifecycle of my monobrowed species. Just like my father, I am now a Made Man and about to publish my second issue of this glorious newspaper. This dictates that I will be shot within a matter of hours, possibly by my very own associate as soon as I am able to find someone looking for work.

Will I live and go down in history as the most successful Harold ever? Or will I perish like a dog? Who knows. Let's find out.

THE STATE OF THE NEWSPAPER INDUSTRY: A NEWSPAPER AUTH

𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻 has been the king of the Journalistic Jungle for as long as the public can remember now. The ivory tower we occupy is very tall and exremely polished, and there have been no other newspapers to challenge our monopoly in recent history (any competing newspapers from the past have been collectively forgotten by the public).

Given that we are now the de-facto and sole authority on anything Journalism-related we are pleased to announce that we are authing Apache to lead the publication of a new Newspaper in Chicago called "𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕮𝖍𝖎𝖈𝖆𝖌𝖔 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖗".

Congratulations Apache, we at 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 are convinced you'll do a splendid job on upholding the values of the prestigious institution that is The Free Press and the traditions of Mafia-Journalism. We look forward to reading many hard-hitting pieces of Investigative Journalism in "𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕮𝖍𝖎𝖈𝖆𝖌𝖔 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖗".

Just don't encroach on 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻's niche of Journalism or there will be fire and fucking brimstone.

ROASTED DUCK

It's a miracle for a single mafia-related duck to perish, but last week was exceptional: we had 2 (TWO) ducks die in the span of 2 hours. One struck down by divine intervention in the form of a lightning bolt (LaunchpadMcQuack), the other dying under mysterious earthly circumstances (ScroogeMcDuck).

We know little about LaunchpadMcQuack as he had only set foot on these shores for less than a week but ScroogeMcDuck had already established quite the reputation for himself. Hoarder of money, swindler of the weak-minded, successful business owner, insurance-policy baron.

We asked Josie for further clarification about Scrooge's death but were not admitted into the HQ for an interview. We were swatted away by her right hand Fungus all 23 times that we stood at the front door asking for an interview, almost as if we were considered an annoying housefly. We lament that the world is so stingy with information nowadays because of such Systematically Immolated concepts such as "Omerta". sigh.

THE SPECULATION

However we don't need an interview to speculate. We all know the deal: last week ScroogeMcDuck, on the very same corner that we were peddling FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE NEWS, hosted a faux-competition in our name which broke all established rules and conventions. He even tried to drag 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻's name through the mud by implicating us as a co-organiser:

Impromptu The Harold Competition

Everyone who enters receives $10,000. Prizes will be given out even after the competition ends. As with complete non-compliance with the committee and their rules, there will be absolutely no judges and all discretion on who wins or loses will be directly decided by me, and I will be cheating. One Grand Prize Winner of $1,000,000 will be given at random, and at any moment I can change who that winner is at my sole whim: even after the winner has already been announced.

This is completely NOT by the books and StandbyJudgeHarold is my official #2 in this competition. I cannot stress enough that I have decided he will be my second in command on any and all choices that are made here today. Thank you for your time.

We once again emphasize that we had nothing to do with this, and that we are quite frankly disgusted by such a reckless competition.

An investigation was conDuckted by Ned_Harrington, the 80 million dollar prize fund was retrieved, 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 was cleared of all charges, and ScroogeMcDuck paid the ultimate price for his destructive rebellion. Let this be a lesson. The CC is ruthless and doesn't fuck around.

ROASTED ZDIAMONDZ

Another death which found itself on our radar this week was zDiamondz's. We were alerted by an Anonymous tipster that there might be a HOT SCOOP hidden in plain sight here.

We will start with the facts: The Wise Guy zDiamondz died, followed by the right hand of his Crew Leader (ducking) asking for a witness statement. Neither Tyler nor the police made an appearance at the funeral to do a victorious cartwheel, so we can safely assume that this was a murder perpretrated by a member of this thing of ours (but not the upper-structure of Ginge). Another fact is that shortly after the fact no other members of our society died, meaning that the perpetrator is likely still breathing.

What follows are conflicting accounts, and this is where things get a little hazy.

We asked Ginge for a statement regarding zDiamondz's death but were told that "It could have been kuku or it could have been lou lou, who knows! The police never gave us any more information, they are as corrupt as they come.". This seems to imply that the killer is unknown.

However, an anonymous source of ours refutes the assertion that the assailant is unknown, stating that "It was Elle-Driver. She did it without auth. Mencho and Ginge, close friends, are trying to cover it up." Our source then continued to say "Don ducking was upset discovering the plot and is seeking justice, perhaps by means of a duel.". The motive for the alleged shot was not elaborated on, we don't know if it was the result of a mugging dispute, or perhaps a heated disagreement on the finer points of Mafia-philosophy in Systematic Immolation of Thought.

Most intriguing. Most bizarre.

COMMUNITY SCOOPS

HOW BIG IS big-jason? (by TomJoad)

Public interest has been expressed for finding out how big big-jason really is. We believe this to be a question of Journalistic Merit and therefore support this investigation.

We kindly request that big-jason submit his height and shoe measurements to us. We shall keep the public informed on any developments.

A COMPETITIVE JOURNALISM COMPETITION

A quote from our Chief editor in Chief @StandbyJournalistHarold, who was in the process of mourning ScroogeMcDuck's passing:

How I am still alive despite being smeared as being the alleged locum judge of the infamous Harold Competition is beyond me. I suppose I should be grateful. I suppose I should run a competition myself to make amends.

We are pleased to announce the world's first Competitive Journalism Competition. Entrants will compete to write and submit the BEST, GREATEST, MOST INTERESTING news article, to be featured in the next edition of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻.

The rules are as follows:

• Articles can be submitted from NOW until the 11th of August 23:59.
• You submit an article by sending your article to StandbyJudgeHarold by mail.
• When you submit an article, you are officially marked as an "entrant".
• When you do not submit an article, you are officially marked as a "non-entrant".
• Articles should be written in the same spirit as 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻, and cover the same kind of topics.
• Whoever submits the best article is the winner. Articles will be judged by StandbyJudgeHarold. The criteria it will be judged on are: interesting-ness of the subject, the article's Journalistic Merit, how well it's written, how well it fits into 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻's existing portfolio.
• The winner will receive a cash prize of 5 million dollars and a "Streets VIP" badge (OOC: Forum VIP 30 days perk).
• The winning article will be featured in the next edition of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻.
• non-entrants will not receive any prize or any other form of compensation.
• 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 reserves the right of the Chief editor in Chief to edit the article before publication.
• We trust The Competition Commission to oversee this competition and ensure all entrants, non-entrants and organisers are safe throughout the process.

Good luck to all of you, I hope to see many fledgeling Journalists submit articles and make me money.

Inspiration, Intrigue, and a Competition all wrapped up in one neat package. You've really outdone yourself this time StandbyJudgeHarold. This might just be the best edition of the ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻 yet. I am fully convinced there is no better source of QUALITY and FACTUAL information. 

Congratulations to Apache as well on his new venture with "𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕮𝖍𝖎𝖈𝖆𝖌𝖔 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖗." Can't wait to see what you come up with in your first edition. @StandbuJudgeHarold is your recent newspaper auth a signal that you intend to officially take over the mantel of Leader of Journalism? 

As an aside, a Competition Commission associate spotted big-jason knocking over a local post office. Literally. The entire building just tipped over. He's one big guy. 

I can't wait to see how your competition goes. It certainly looks very interesting, and has the official Competition Commission Seal of Approval. We will be dispatching Commission agents to oversee and keep the peace. We'll be looking forward to a good, clean and FAIR competition. 

Buster had heard of a paper that defied most conventional rules of having important news that people actually cared about or being reported on by likable and good-looking reporters. Despite fighting through such things, it seemed to be on its seventh iteration and that was what was important-- for, it wasn't about how popular or good at the thing that you do, but rather how many people are willing to pay attention to it, and while this was true for most things, it was most true for newspapers. 

This is a very nice paper... Very... interesting... I see Ned really liked it, that's nice...

His attempts at hiding his contempt were difficult and made even more so when the journal he was carrying in his hands fell and the wind knocked open a few pages in front of everyone by the stand:

Pages and pages of HAROLD, HERALD, HEROLD, HERALD could be seen scribbled in terrible handwriting, while pictures of the journalist himself were taped to nearly each and every page that the wind flipped through vigorously, his eyes notably missing from each and every photo; this would be frightening if not for the "NED + HAROLD = JOURNALIST TRIBUNAL???" that also permeated each and every page. Wait, that just made it even scarier to the people whose eyes were able to catch glimpses of it, as shown by how they all took a few steps backward upon reading the contents.

It isn't what you think... it's... Oh, fuck. One day I'll prove that you two are in league together! I swear on it! For now, I have no proof, but sleeping in my van and watching you walk around is slowly going to... it's going to catch up to you, Harold! I'm not going to sit idly by while you two work together to DEGRADE this great country with your RAG and your HATRED OF COMPETITION.

Before he could say anything else a few feathers dropped from his trousers and he ran away. Harold could be sure that this wasn't the last time he'd see the strange man, and he better not do anything untoward in the meantime, because he's being watched. He's being tracked. Any wrong step with Ned and this whole thing is blowing up.

After picking up the paper, Ginge was most intrigued in where some of the information had come from that StandbyJudgeHarold was reporting.

After the brief conversation they both had shortly after the death, Ginge had confirmed that it could have been anyone. Since then the confirmed killer has been identified. 

The next interesting point is the news that ducking wanted to duel MenchoJr following the death. I believe this is pure speculation but please enlighten me to where this information had come from.

However, an anonymous source of ours refutes the assertion that the assailant is unknown, stating that "It was Elle-Driver. She did it without auth. Mencho and Ginge, close friends, are trying to cover it up." Our source then continued to say "Don ducking was upset discovering the plot and is seeking justice, perhaps by means of a duel."

Ginge As a general rule of thumb I do not give out the identity of my sources. The assurance that whatever they say will not be traced back to them is what allows my sources (or anyone who wishes to become one) to speak freely, without the need to self-censor. Any and all flack will be caught by me, as is my duty as an agent of The Free Press, and a member of the ancient Nobility of Journalism.

Claims that 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻 makes in first person are QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM (and may have initially come from a source, but became our own claim through rigorous journalistic procedure).

Claims that are printed as "coming from a source" as just that, claims, where we trust the reader to critically analyse it themselves to draw their own conclusion. There might be part objective truth, there might be part speculation. Either way we always try to provide as many perspective as possible in cases where we cannot make a first-person claim, which is why the refuting claim was included in the article as well.

Ian stood and read this edition of the Harold. He had glanced a few articles in previous issues but never really seen one paper cover to cover. This time he only noticed he was still reading when he ran out of copy to indulge in. He folded up the paper and approached StandbyJudgeHarold.

"Harold, I must say this paper is getting better. I have always appreciated the effort anyone would go to, to produce a 'FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE NEWS' source - That line did make me chuckle. But it is often the case that the special magic needed to keep the reader hooked, is often lost in very bland accounts of well known events. This paper however, is showing promise. Keep at it."

He tucked a few c-notes in Harold's pocket and gave him a wink.

"That said, no story is ever made worse by adding a few sizzling encounters and a creative approach numbers."

Keep up the good work StandbyJudgeHarold I am looking forward to the next edition. 

How do we get one of those paper hats?

Ian thank you. 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻 prides itself on the FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE nature of its Journalism, and its continuous pursuit of The Truth™.

Polio ever since selling 20,000 of my hats for one dollar a pop in a single transaction I began to realise that there is massive market potential for newspaper hats. I am considering pivoting from Journalism into Hat Salesmanship altogether.

That being said, my newly hired board of financial advisors suggests that I should increase the price of a newspaper hat from one to 20,000 dollars, and that I should only sell them in batches of 20,000. Think of it, if I were to make another sale I would be 400 million dollars richer. It would be unprecedented. Think of how many interns I could hire with that money to fetch my golden coffee cup filled to the brim with expensive Egyptian coffee.

I am like a fisherman lying in wait, slyly waiting for the whale to nibble the paper-and-ink bait that I have set out before it.

I'm just here to congratulate you on staying on the high side of where the grass grows - when you  (and many of us) thought it wasn't possible.  Hell, you even made it through a war.

There really is peace, prosperity and opportunity here in Chicago.

Good paper and all that too.

StandbyJudgeHarold, I don't think you understand how one fishes for whales.  Nibbling on bait really doesn't come into play. It's usually a Japanese guy in a pathetically undersized boat throwing a big ass spear. At least, that's what I'm led to believe by pop culture.

Anyhow, I am pleased to announce that my investigation into big-jason is complete. With the help of several eye witnesses, hospital employees, and his former lovers, and without any help whatsoever from big-jason himself, I have the data you've been waiting for. 

So it turns out, big-jason is actually only 5 feet, two inches tall, but he is a rotund 320 pounds. Basically, he's an evil mafia weeble. That's the boring part. So how did he get the nickname "big-jason", then, I hear you ask? Well, according to one of his former mistresses, who has asked to remain nameless (hi Jen), apparently the man has a pet anaconda living in his trousers. He is hung like a fucking bear, people, so show some respect.

You're 100% correct TomJoad. I recently carried out filming of big-jason and his mistress and can also confirm that we now have a big Jen or big G for short.

Now, I can't confirm why she is also big as she is quite petite in size but something to do with said pyphon and the way it moved during the filming. It was causing chaos amongst the viewers but we now have a list of women (and a couple of men, MrD is one) who would like to meet his python and add 'big' to there name!

"Does this paper not deliver news? 

Bring back Colonel Hives paper. At least that one was good for wiping poo off my bottom."

You know what, Mole? Typically I'd call you a moron for coming out here and attacking a hard-working citizen who is just trying to make a living by peddling false information disguised as news so that his muse Ned Harrington can walk around doing whatever he wants to those who are just trying to run competitions for all to have fun with.

Buster twirls his pistol a few times before hopping onto his horse, while most people used cars at this point there was just something about walking around a striking white mare who put the fear of God into any and all who saw it. Plus, the thing would take huge shits all over the property of people who had wronged ole Buster: A win-win.

But I agree with you this time. StandByJudgeHarold has gotten fat and wealthy off of the massive success of his newspaper and the silencing of people like poor Scrooge McDuck, his power extends far beyond the eye can see and with that he is using it to rest on his laurels even after such a large war has shaken the entire United States to its very core.

Giving his horse a little push, Mr. Scruggs slowly began moseying away from the newspaper, but not before his horse took a massive fucking shit all over the newspaper outlet which Harold peddled his paltry papers.

Hopefully someone else comes along and writes about what we're all wanting to hear about. Like why did ducking auth themselves into power and then immediately die only moments later? I can't believe Harold hasn't had the foresight to already be questioning everyone involved to find out these important questions. Anyways, this is none of my concern.

I'd just not read this shitty paper if I were any of you. Ned lurks about and waits for anyone to screw up so he can put them into the dirt, but don't ask me for proof. Right now it is simply just a working theory.

Farewell, for now.

TomJoad I find this story of how big-jason has an anaconda living in his pants to be extremely unconvincing. Surely he would get strangled to death by the anaconda if he was carrying it around all the time? Surely he would have to constantly buy live mice to feed to his pet snake? Surely some animal welfare organisation would have put a stop to that by now?

I think we need more digging (not in his trousers).

Mole and BusterScruggs all this badgering of me and my interns is making me almost want to NOT cover recent events just to spite you news-deprived cretins. One intern told me that BusterScruggs snatched away his notepad and ripped it up screaming "FIND A BETTER SCOOP" while the intern was investigating a potential new rival entering the Journalism scene.

What are you going to do without 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻 interpreting the events of this world for you? What will you do when your only source of FACTS and TRUTH disappears and you are left in the dark? You will be forever doomed to sit in the cave, chained to the wall, watching the shadows on the wall opposite of you believing they are reality.

I will accept an apology in the form of a written review of Systematic Immolation of Thought.