ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

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The basement • Thursday, August 31st • Vol IIIII, No. 1

Journalistic quote of the week:

If I were you, I would stay as far away from this mysterious foe as possible.

- TomJoad

FRONT PAGE

THE STATE OF THE NEWSPAPER INDUSTRY

I feel the walls around me crumbling, my basement metaphorically shakes due to the metaphorical artillery shells hitting my humble establishment every single day. My competitors are gone, this was not part of the plan. Without other newspapers who will catch the heat in my place?

Deprived of competitors I tried to personally authorise and finance other up-and-coming journalists to catch the flack for me but that hasn't been successful either. My basement is on the frontlines of the war against The Free Press.

I am surrounded by enemies.

A MANUAL: HOW TO SPOT THE ENEMIES OF THE FREE PRESS

THE HIERARCHY OF THE ENEMIES OF THE FREE PRESS

The enemies of The Free Press usually operate in groups, making a communal effort to silence Journalists through intimidation tactics. They tend to roam in squads of about 6 (though I have once seen a group of up to 12).

There is a strict hierarchy amongst the enemies of The Free Press. There will be one "handler" who directs the other "soldiers" in his squad to the Journalist for intimidation. They use cleverly disguised hand-gestures amongst each other for communication to enable that air of plausible deniability were the journalist to confront them.

HOW TO SPOT AN ENEMY OF THE FREE PRESS

There are many ways to spot an enemy of the free press.

The aforementioned hand-signs are a dead givewaway. Specifically watch for: crossing arms, scratching their cheek (they will ALWAYS scratch the cheek facing the journalist to signal their target to their subordinates), coughing twice in quick succession, scratching their head, resting one of their hands on the opposite shoulder, nail biting (believe it or not: different fingers have different meanings, and there is an entire language based on the sequence of fingers whose nails are nibbled on).

Another way that the enemies of the free press can be recognised is by the cars they drive. Almost ALL OF THEM drive red cars. They also tend to park them close to intersections. Don't believe me? Count how many red cars you see on an average day. That's what I thought.

WHAT NEXT?

Do not approach the enemies of The Free Press. Even if you do, they will deny being an enemy of The Free Press, and will pretend they're not collectively stalking you at all. It's no use. Just disengage. You cannot win.

A CAFE AND A PLATE OF SPAGHETTI

I am sitting at a cafe, I order a delicious plate of spaghetti. The spaghetti is brought to my table. The waiter may be an enemy of The Free Press and may poisoned it. I ask the waiter to take a bite first to prove that it's safe, they look at me with disgust for a second and then walk off to the backroom without providing me with the service I asked for. I notice that on the way they made a hand-sign to a table across the room, likely another "soldier" is sitting there.

I don't know whether to take the chance and take a bite of the spaghetti. It could just be a regular plate of spaghetti, I might be imagining all this. But then I realise: "No, that's what the enemies of The Free Press want you to think, those moments of self-doubt is how they get you".

The Jarl on the majestic table adjacent to mine winks at me.

The spaghetti is staring into my soul, the sauce seems to move on its own, the meatballs twist and turn on my plate of their own accord. Unable to stand it any longer I fling the plate of spaghetti at the wall, and then storm out of this den of wolves.

Once outside I see a red car parked right in front of the cafe. I knew it, I was right. They will never get me.

This concludes this Issue of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 !! Please Leave me Money and Tips (information)!!