Illuminatiated made his way through the crowd carrying a large locked box. He promptly smashed it on the sidewalk and scooped up the pieces of paper within it. Thankfully the wind on this evening was nonexistent as it made making the piles quite easy. Before long he had four neat stacks in front of him and he began to count the votes. After a moment he stood up and cleared his throat before addressing those who had turned out for the results. 

"The day all some of us have been waiting for is finally upon us and I have the results. Despite the lack of tales told regarding myself, Ian, ParaprosdokianIan and The_Bestest_Ian we managed to scrounge up 47 votes for the Best Ian Contest!"

A faint drumroll began to sound off in the distance. Fourteen well trained falcons flew overhead doing figure eights - nobody was quite sure why, or who trained them. Confetti cannons covered this particular half-block with brilliantly colored specks.

"In last place with 5 votes, despite clearly having the coolest name... ParaprosdokianIan! The real twist here is that we're all Ians here in this zany contest and therefore this gentleman has been awarded the following; DFP Stacking, Instant Named BG, Achievement Reveal, 2 Pied Pipers and 5 credits."

"In third place with 11 votes, with quite an impressive showing given he only recently joined these shores - The_Bestest_Ian! For this he has been awarded the following; 2 Pied Pipers, 2 Hustle Hangover Tokens, 2 Instant BGs, 1 HQ Proficiency, 1 DFP Stacking and 10 credits."

"In second place with 15 votes is myself, which would have taken the cake, but..."

"With 16 votes, the bald guy from the Big Apple - Ian is the winner! With this comes; Achievement Reveal, 2 Hustle Tokens, 1 Instant BG, 1 Pied Piper, 1 OC Perk, a Double Unit CA and 15 credits!" 

The_Bestest_Ian could not believe what his cauliflower-shaped ears picked up.

"Third? You say I'm third with 11 votes? I am thankful for everyone who voted for me but we both know you're fumbling the numbers. I have had approximately 46 people pledge their vote to me, to think that less than a fourth of them actually found their way to the ballot is preposterous. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE."

"You're trying to steal this vote from me and give it to a prominent crime boss to curry favour with him in some sort of diplomatic move. This will not stand. I fucking knew that I should have only entered if you agreed to let The Competition Commission oversee this shambolic disaster."

"Expect an angry mob to form up outside of your HQ in mere days."

ParaprosdokianIan walks past the place that he remembered to once having hosted a contest. He looks around, sighs and then mumbles

Now what was more important.. Uniqueness, clout, sex appeal, or should have it also been counted to have been elected last Ian standing?

As he walks away, Ian adds

Or walking, of course.. or walking..