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| The Mafia Weekly Issue 1, Volume 1 | Started by: Mr_47 on May 08, '08 11:31 |
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A note from the editor: Welcome, readers, to the criminal underworld's newest publication, The Mafia Weekly. This weekly publication is dedicated to the news that no one else bothers to report, the stories that the mainstream media are afraid to print. Also, we're dedicated to the shameless promotion of our parent company, 47 Enterprises. Again, welcome, and remember: the truth is out there! We're still looking for it. PREMEIR SELLS SOUL TO SATAN FOR KILLING PROWESS! Earlier in the week, Premeir, a notorious killer, went on a rampage that tore apart the criminal underworld. How did this mafioso gain his killing expertise? Years of training? No. Innate skill? No. In fact, Premeir sold his soul to the Devil himself for this ability. We have exclusive pictures of Premier standing at a crossroad, summoning Old Scratch and selling his soul for a solid gold fiddle. And the ability to kill people. Of course, the gold fiddle was ridiculously heavy and sounded like crap, but Premeir took it anyway. Witnesses say that, upon his death, Premier vanished in a cloud of brimstone, which leaves us to ask this question: Was Premier making a deal with the Devil, or was the Devil making a deal with Premier? PRINCE OF CHEESE LEAVES BEHIND FORTUNE Makes it friggin' impossible to find! Tinman, former janitor for the Prince of Cheese Estate, has released a note that he discovered in the Cheese Mansion. It details the whereabouts of untold wealth, unfortunately, it's in a ridiculous cipher? Indeed, it seems as if the Prince went to his grave with his secrets. Maybe you can take it with you. Or, he was just an ass that wanted us to spend seven hours trying to crack his code. Thus far, Rhuarc, noted number cruncher of the mafia, has been able to crack two of the ciphers. This means that, Rhuarc has been able to cash in on the note. And he has no life. Tinman expressed his gratitude by paying Rhuarc twelve dollars, roughly twelve times what the Prince of Cheese willed to his successor, Deviant. CP IN LEAGUE WITH ALIENS!! Extraterrrestrials Aid Mafia Group in Take-over The current rule of the mafia by a group known as CP has been aided my aliens, from parts unknown. No, not Mexico. Outer space aliens. With rayguns. This explains the advanced technology used by the CP in their brutal takeovers. Rumor has it that the parents of the current CP leaders actually seduced and mated with the alien women. This explains Deviant's antennae, and CommodumPerfectus' green tinged skin. Neither leader could be reached for comment. Mostly because we didn't try. Regardless, a silver, disc shaped structure was found in Roswell, New Mexico, which can only lead to one conclusion: they walk among us! Beware the CP and their alien hybrid leaders! BOB THE BUILDER FIGHTS BEAR WITH BARE HANDS!!! Small pig dies in chaos Bob the Builder, famous in the mafia for his "brick shoes" method of execution, fought a bear named "Winnie the Pooh" in the middle of the street. Unarmed, the gangster construction worker was forced to fight the bear with his bare hands. When the dust settled, Bob was roasting a small pig and lamenting the loss of his female companion. However, he did emerge victorious against the deranged yellow bear. The origins of the yellow bear are as of yet unknown, but it's safe to assume that he can only be a CP extraterrestrial experimental hybrid. Perhaps a cross between an earth bear and a space bear? Ecologists feared that the yellow bear would mate with the earth bear population, but upon examination, it was revealed that he lacked any sort of genitalia. Thank you, Bob, for saving the earth from the first of these alien, yellow, gender-neutral bears. DEVIANT AWARDS THREE MILLION DOLLARS TO JANITORS!!! In an attempt to revive life on the streets, Deviant, leader of New York, awarded three million dollars in prizes to new publishers. The winners included custodian of the Cheese estate, Tinman, and sanitation engineer of the 47 Estate, The_Saint. Each was awarded 1.5 million dollars. When asked what they would do with the money, Tinman replied, "Oil....can...", while The_Saint only wanted to buy a broom to replace the toothbrush given to him by the 47 Enterprises adminstration. A day later, both individuals had blown all the cash on whores, booze, and cards. They return to work tomorrow. Letters to the editor: Dear 47, You suck. Love, Carlitos Dear Carlitos, No, YOU suck. Love, 47 If you would like to write a letter to the editor, submit them to Mr_47, P.O. Box 47, Chicago, IL, 47474 Surely you can do better than Carlitos. He can barely read. |
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| Excellent read, look forward to your next edition. | |
| Reply by: Comatose at May 08, '08 12:05 | |
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Excellent work, I'm delighted to see a paper back around these parts again. Who knows, perhaps L'Esercito del Formaggio will bring out their own rival publication.. |
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| Reply by: Deviant at May 08, '08 12:31 | |
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| If you do, make it real news, not this garbage. No one really believes this crap. Who prints this? We do? This is the best paper ever. Everyone believes it, there are no lies here at all. | |
| Reply by: Mr_47 at May 08, '08 12:45 | |
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| Really enjoyed this. Nicely done, look forward to next weeks. | |
| Reply by: KingofWheelbarrows at May 08, '08 13:05 | |
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| OH, I loved it! | |
| Reply by: Cassie at May 08, '08 13:06 | |
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| nice to read thats for that sir :) | |
| Reply by: Fabolous at May 08, '08 13:21 | |
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Picks some rib out of his death while shaking bear guts off his nice boots. I enjoyed this very much sir. I'm truely excited for the next read. |
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| Reply by: BobtheBuilder at May 08, '08 13:42 | |
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You know with the tribune being dead for so long ever since Riley was fired..with no signs of life from the lady in charge.. This is probley the closest and best thing around now! I very much like and appriciate the effort you put into this and it shows a lighter side of our terrible business. Folds up his own copy and walks off smiling |
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| Reply by: Alfonzo at May 08, '08 14:18 | |
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Ada picks up a copy of the newspaper and reads it. WoW! Excellent writing. I have truly enjoyed reading it. I can not wait to read the next one. |
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| Reply by: AdaWong at May 08, '08 16:41 | |
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| That was amazing , you are a incredibly talented writer. Keep up the good work sir...Please! | |
| Reply by: Rizzle at May 08, '08 17:04 | |
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Pick's up the paper from the coffee table that his servant picks up for him takes a sip of a nice strongly mixed margarita and puckers his fucken lips with a shout of DAMN THATS GOOD..With his eyes staggering in his head he begins to read and later finishes Damn thats a pretty damn good paper remind me to write that guy and tell him what an excellent job he did.... |
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| Reply by: JohnnyTorrio at May 08, '08 22:53 | |
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You mean Carlos eh Johnny? Excellent paper I look forward to the next addition! |
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| Reply by: Major_Jerkovski at May 09, '08 00:04 | |
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THIS IS AN OUTRAGE SIR. Not only do you slander my good name publicly and print BLATANT FALSEHOODS, but you have also stolen my idea. Admitedly, this paper comes nowhere near the monolithic excellence of my draft, but it's THE PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER. Expect to hear from my lawyer-mutants. Good day. |
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| Reply by: Carlitos at May 09, '08 00:16 | |
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| Looks around well bouf of you's guys did a good jobs *Hiccup* then takes another drink from his margarita woo this shits kicken my ass | |
| Reply by: JohnnyTorrio at May 09, '08 00:47 | |
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| I'll have you know that Mother4Glory is a saint. | |
| Reply by: Numbers4Glory at May 09, '08 07:18 | |
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