The Tabloid News – XLVI
Texas Pickles:  Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

Yee haw, and a howdy y’all to all the faithful readers of this here newspaper.  Now, I know many of you are wondering how someone from Texas can write a newspaper, but let me assure y’all that even though those of us from the great Lone-Star State might seem uneducated, we’re actually doing quite well.  In fact, there’s this great new startup University in the Cotton Capital of this great state called Texas Technological College.  I expect to hear good things out of Lubbock in the future!  But, anyway, there’s much to discuss, so, as my granddaddies before me used to say . . . on with the news!

THE WAR: AN EDITORIAL

Even though I’m from Texas, I hear my pappy came from New York.  Now, I don’t tell the folks I live with this dirty Yankee secret, but I fear it’s true.  Once upon a time, my pappy visited Dallas and fell in love (for the night) with a dancehall girl.  And, here I am.  But, enough of that.  Mr. Pickles was one of the very first high ranking casualties in the war, being dishonorably killed in his sleep.  But, that’s in the past.  Sure he would have defended New York like Jim Bowie in the Alamo, but that’s neither here nor there.  The point of this is to lead on to our next story . . .

CHUCKLE DURING THE WAR

Once upon a time there was a “man” named Chuckle.  And, there was a war between New York, Chicago, and everyone else.  Now, this “Chuckle” came to power wearing a bold suit out of the aftermath, but during the war, he was seen by the most accurate of informants hiding under a park bench, wrapped in a copy of The Tabloid News firing potshots at his supposed enemies.  It is even rumored that he is the one who killed Mr. Pickles.  Not out of duty to war, but out of professional jealousy, knowing full well that The Tabloid News outshines The Chuckle Knuckle by a thousand suns.  It is a sad state of affairs when the fourth estate gives in to such petty jealousy, but we at The Tabloid News are not here to judge, just report the facts.

ROMAN’S FINAL MOMENTS

We all know that the last thing going through Roman’s head at his demise was a bullet (just a fact).  But, the moments leading up to this legendary Godfather’s demise is only brought to you by an imbedded journalist from The Tabloid News in Chicago.  It is a fact that in the last days of the Godfather of Chicago, when he realized that, despite his bodyguards, doom was imminent, he turned to the latest copy of The Tabloid News to entertain him so that he could go out with a smile on his face.  No matter what side of the war our dear readers find themselves on, we at The Tabloid News were happy to hear that many (including Premeir) found comfort in our pages in their final moments.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red Watch,
There’s a guy I really like, but I have a difficult time getting his attention in a positive way.  What should I do?

Signed,
dontlOOkatme

Dear Don’t,
May I suggest lots and LOTS of makeup, a low top and a short skirt.  For some reason, that works on guys.
Red

Dear Red Watch,
I have a great deal of guilt.  I don’t think I can go on.  I try to be something I’m not.  What should I do?

Signed,
~ C ~

Dear Chuckle,
You’ll never amount to much as an editor.  It’s best to hang up your typewriter while you can.
Red

ALABAMA ROMANCE WATCH

The Tabloid News has a research desk dedicated to the love life of Alabama Worley.  This esteemed “Godmother” of Detroit was recently see cavorting in a romantic way with none other than notorious vampire, Dracula!  Of her tryst with the famed Romanian night stalker, she said that she was merely “trying to get into the spirit of Halloween.”  The Tabloid News fear she may have been bitten by her blood-sucking paramour, and should be avoided at all costs!

FACEMAN SUSPECTED OF WAR CRIMES/ MERCENARY BEHAVIOR

In 1932 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.  These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.  Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.  If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.  And, according to Tabloid News reporters, certain members of the A-Team become quite elated when a plan comes together.

JEWISH JAKE SEEN EATING BACON

Jewish Jake has, according to sources, begun a radio cooking show advocating the non-kosher us of bacon!  Referring to his radio show as a way of creating an epic mealtime, Jewish Jake has gone on record as saying things such as “We had to cover the bacon so we can keep it from impregnating everything else around it!”  And, even, more strange, “Hater while you were kissing Pickles we were climbin’ to the top of the radio.”  While we’re not sure what that means, exactly the opinion of The Tabloid News is, you're stupid. you're really stupid.... and smart.  Jewish Jake is also rumoured to be the self-proclaimed sauce boss, whatever that means.

I love the feud between the two bloodline papers! Its exciting. haha

and i love the fact that Dracula is out and about again!

Great work pickles i laughed four times!

It is true, there are a few of us who love it when a plan comes together, and we do solve problems for everyone except there is more than 4 of us, maybe in years time we will get narrowed down to a select few.

Do you really need more than four?  All anyone really needs for a plan to come together is a master tactician, a muscle guy, maybe a get-away guy (a pilot, perhaps), and someone who fits in everywhere - a disguise guy.  After that, everyone else is just filler.

you could well be right, however they do say the more the merrier. what if we had five of each of wat you mentioned? we could have 5 tacticians etc. and therefore unstoppable

idk five master of disguises could be less effective,more YMCA you know?

well it's not like we are going to be parading around the streets of Detroit dressed up as native americans and policeman, i do see your point, but if we could have five of everything without it getting out of hand it would be pretty good would it not?

Five tactians would only lead to arguements.  And, Wade, that many disguised people wouldn't be believeable.  I mean . . . a Policeman, a Constrution Worker, a Sailor, a Biker, and an Indian walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says, "what is this . . . a joke?"  Face, if I may call you Face, the most anyone needs is eleven or twelve men.  Just ask my good friends Jesus and Danny Ocean.

You may call me Amanda if it makes you happy, again you have a point but i'm not planning on going to Vegas and rubbing them of all of their money and I am defientely not a religion, I am a simple mercenary.

Rubbing them of money Faceman?

I don't think the world needs to know your best kept secrets about what passes for entertainment in A-Team HQ.

Damn, i've been caught. Using charm isn't a crime is it?

The way you do it, it is!

Yeah, it probably is in all honesty

Can't beat a bit of "money rubbing", it's what are Sunday evening's were made for.

I am going to make this a city wide activity this 'Money Rubbing'

Tweek, I don't think thats A Team HQ entertainment since I didn't know he was up to that sort of stuff!

Gabriella puts on dark shades when she walks into the HQ in hopes of not disturbing Faceman's pass time fun.

too late now, appears i've been caught!

Detroit, the home of Grain Alcohol and Money Rubbing, combine the two and it's party time baby!

do we need rules for this?

FACEMAN ACCUSED OF MONEY RUBBING IN THE HQ

Detroit Boss and confirmed mercenary, Faceman, has been accused of the devian act of money rubbing.  This purient act has not been heard of in polite society since the days of the Marquis de Sade!  Also, due to the fact that Faceman only really gets his money from one place, the rate of venerial disease in his HQ has gone to 100%!  Tabloid Editor, Texas Pickles, was quoted as saying "I love it when a story comes together!"