The Tabloid News – XLVII
Texas Pickles:  Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

Howdy y’all.  Howdy howdy howdy.  Look at me, I’m a cowboy.  There’s a snake in my boot!  Somebody’s poisoned the water hole!  Etc.  Another war . . . more deaths . . . more power changes.  One of these days, I would like to have a war where I know what’s going on.  Maybe a war I start!  I doubt I would know what’s going on then either.  But, when the does settles, the bodies are buried, and the debris is swept from the streets, the victor will write the history, which brings us to our first story, so . . . on with the news!

THE FALL OF THE CHUCKLE KNUCKLE

We here at The Tabloid News are pleased saddened to report the end of Chuckle, and therefore The Chuckle Knuckle.  We remember The Chuckle Knuckle by reprinting some of the best stories they published.

From Chuckle Knuckle III

The Tabloid News XLIII

Sliding under the radar this week was Mr Pickles' production 'The Tabloid News'. It received a mammoth two responses, with interest in Bonzo being lonely outpacing it thus far. We gave it a precursory glance, but seeing LoveGun was present and given her well known infatuation with our beloved Chuckle, he had to hot tail it out of there before she got her rum-stained, gauntleted claws into him.

From Chuckle Knuckle IV

Whilst we are on the subject of colossal idiots, it would be remiss of us not to give a far from respectable (and actually pretty dismissive) nod of the head to 'this is my paper, yet not quite a paper' paper editor, Father Pickles. The disgraced pastor has taken to peddling his wares on the back of a cigarette packet and even then, most people have the sense to punch him right in his fat, yellow mush, rather than read his verbal tripe. We've got all the verbal tripe you need, right here.

Sorry, it just feels good to be able to mention all the cities and discuss events in them again without worrying about offending particularly delicate sensibilities. I always understood the angst that my inclusion of Egwene upon the DWL caused; after all it was for a totally juvenile reason (although I'll totally fight anyone who calls this juvenile, right fucking now you bastards) about a jazz flute. Clearly, this was legitimate grounds for wishing death upon someone, as I'm sure you'll all agree, and like Mr Pickles ruthlessly stalking his next kitten to buggar, the DWL never fails to find its victim. Maybe that is why RoRoG was unhappy about her being on there? It is a guaranteed death sentence after all. Maybe he was totally justified in trying to get her removed from it? Keep that in mind if you wind up on there. It will kill you.

Mr Pickles

Once upon a time there was a priest. This priest thought he would make himself a little newspaper and he would peddle it on the streets. One day, the priest was hit by a truck and died. The end.

DWL.

And, now as a special treat, The Tabloid News will print the final article from the unpublished Chuckle Knuckle V.

RECANT

Everything I ever said about Pickles or The Tabloid News was wrong.  It is a fine publication and I wish my paper were half as good.  Pickles is the greatest man I have ever met.  The Tabloid News is the greatest newspaper I have ever read.  I can not believe I would ever write anything so horrible about him.

~C~

And, that's the way things were on this date, in this year.

OBITUARIES

Chuckle:  Adequate paper writer survived by no loving relatives. 

The Captain:  Egomaniac who thought he was better than Pickles.

FluffyMonkeyGibbon:  Hairy boinging beast.  HQ smells better without him.

FaceMan:  Good looking, money rubbing member of the A-Team.

THE 47 CODE

There has been a lot of talk, generated by a particular zombie, refuting, speculating, and confirming certain rumours that Pickles and Mr. 47 are one and the same person.  Death certificates and birth certificates, and life spans add to the conspiracy with the number 47 appearing and re-appearing multiple times in Pickles’ life.  In face, if you add the letters of the names, Mr. Pickles, Zombie Pickles, AND Texas Pickles, you get . . . 34 letters!  And, 34 is only 13 short of 47.  13, being the Pickles Family’s lucky number (not that it has been working out for them lately).  And, if you take the 4^th letter of the alphabet and the 7^th letter of the alphabet, you get DG.  Which as we all know stands for Dick Gozinya, a know associate of both Pickles and 47’s lineage.  In truth, there can be only one Pickles or 47.  The Pickles were born in 1492 in the Highlands of Scotland, same as 47.  Mr. Pickles cut off Mr. 47’s head with a sword and took his essence, which has caused many to believe they are one and the same, but they were, in fact, two different people.

UNDER 48 – AN EDITORIAL

We have a general rule about new mobsters under 48 hours old.   It is generally non-kosher to attack people at that age.  After all, they’re new to these shores and are theoretically babies in our world.  However, we all know that in our life the apple does NOT fall far from the tree.  Like father, like son means far more than in other nomenclature.  So  . . should -48 people maintain the same protection regardless of whose children they are?  Sometimes these people start training guns and attack in the name of their forefathers.  Is being too young an excuse not to shoot?  It’s a difficult question.  Should someone be judged solely on the merits of their father?  Or given a second chance?  If they join an enemy crew, are they to be afforded the rights of an innocent?  What if they try to harm an established member?  At what point is a child no longer innocent?  Discuss amongst yourselves.

After reading the tabloid Stan smiles to himself and for no particular reason decides to speak to passers by.

A good point you bring out here Mr 47 when is an innocent not an innocent? I beleive soon as they train a gun it should be forfeited, As we know they can start shooting from that point on.

And thanks for bringing out the facts and important issues like Chuckles recant, it was heard on his death bed that he wished he was Mr pickles, Or was that he hated Mr Pickles there was a lot of gun fire at the time.

Lovely paper Texas_Pickles I am looking forward to the next one

T-Man sits back and finishes the paper

SaintAnthony folds up his copy of the Tabloid News upon completion and sighs slightly

What this Tabloid needs is what the people want! I feel the readers are needing a more Saintly feel...

SaintAnthony scratches his chin for a moment

I feel as if this Pickles fellow needs my blessing and Saintly advice to sayisfy his readers and cleanse them of their sins..

SaintAnthony grins slightly before stalking off down the street in search of a fellow from Texas

Between jobs, Lola takes a few moments to read The Tabloid News with a coffee.

She fondly remembers her days as an amateur journalist and a smile creeps across her face as she reads the words 'hairy boinging beast'; the phrase conjures up the image of her former English teacher, Father Brennan, whom she had once described as a 'fat, furry lump of flacid manhood'. She shudders a little as she remembers his yellowed eyes bulging from his face in horror, his nostrils dilating as his mouth led the struggle for oxygen. It was as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican - his body expelled all life from itself along with the contents of his bowels, and a death that nobody would ever care about clung to the air. Lola's smile returns at the thought of the old bugger deteriorating into worm fodder long ago.

A fine read, Mr Pickles. I'll be picking up the next one when its available.

Texas_Pickles = selkciP_s4xe7 = 47

You must have admired and loved Chuckle a lot. Thanks for your tribute.

Well will be dissapointing seeing less on the street but a fair summary of the last few days.

put down the paper and sighs wondering how hard all this death will hit business