Hello, my name is ThomasHarrow. I'm the only remaining NPM in our world. This is the story of my morning.

06:00- Wake up, groggy as hell, scratch genitals and ass.

06:04- Look in the mirror at the face of a suicidal man, and then remember I'm not Dominus. All is well!

06:05- Think about all the tail I'm going to bang at The Peach Pit in Detroit later in the day. Suddenly the urge to take a shitpiss comes on...

06:17- Bleeding has subsided, time to start the day!

06:24- Check the recent obits to see if any friends have died. Hurley is there, ancestor of my arch nemesis Falcon. Another suicide from his bloodline, a day of celebration!

06:39- Finish eating scrapple, eggs, and tomato juice. Delicious!

06:43- Take another shitpiss. Contemplate suicide once again.

06:44- Realize I'm not Hurley. Go about my business like a civilized being.

06:50- Get dressed. Cheetah thong first, followed by nipple clamps, and then three piece suit.

07:10- Bite Gordon_Zola's lucky ball gag on my way out the door. Only way to properly start a day!

08:15- Visit The Statue Of Bearderus. Chant his name, and worship his greatness. Gain inspiration for the remainder of the day.

08:30- Spit on the plaque commemorating SexyBeast, as is tradition in Chicago. What a dicklicker.

08:47- Wander the streets of Chicago, in search of fellow NPMs to sexually exploit. Realize they have all died overnight.

08:50- Find the funeral home where they have all been taken to. Jackpot! Just how I like em, stiff and still a little warm!

08:51- Realize the doors are locked, and they key has been thrown away.

08:52- Conteplate suicide, yet again, while roaming the streets like a hapless vagabond.

08:53- Mail Grin, whine about death of NPMs, and the disappearance of my sex life.

08:54- Get told to "fuck right off" by Grin. He's too busy reading JesseJames' deviant mails.

08:55- Mail NewJack, whine about death of NPMs, and the disappearance of my sex life.

08:56- Get threatened by NewJack with a bat wrapped with barbed wire. Decide Grin's advice to "fuck right off" was sound.

08:57- Hop in cab and head back to the HQ.

09:13- Arrive at HQ. Head straight to the 'Wall Of Wank Stains'. Scribe 'MajorTom' on the wall. Snicker a bit, watch others follow suit.

09:21- 'MajorTom' has been scribed five times in a row on the 'Wall Of Wank Stains'. He's officially a Wank Stain according to The Church Of PizzaTheHut.

09:25- Approach Demian. Kick him square in the junk and punch him in the face. That kid is such a kiss ass.

09:36- Too much laughing has upset my stomach. Take another shitpiss. Simply awfully smelling. Wretched.

09:40- Told to leave the HQ due to repulsive, explosive, shitting. Sure to be listed on the "Wall of Wank Stains' multiple times during the afternoon.

10:01- Return to The Statue Of Bearderus. Chant his name with passion. Things are looking better!

10:14- Decide to rob a post office. Success! you grabbed yourself $636 after sending up $272 in tribute. Snarl at PizzaTheHut's taxes.

10:48- Decide to run a prostitution ring. Success! you earned a total of $239 after sending up $103 in tribute. PizzaTheHut is now a wank stain due to his tax policy.

11:02- Read recent developments regarding Las Vegas. Wonder who will die next, and when Dominus will set up shop there.

11:11- Stop by IRC avenue. Watch men plot and sceme publically about taking over Las Vegas without realizing their conversation is being broadcast publically. Others begin laughing. I follow suit.

11:24- Head over to The Sweet Life Bakery to grab something for lunch. Old Man Tom is sitting on a fucking cash cow there.

11:30- Gunshots ring out. The bakery is closed for business.

11:42- Lunch at The Peach Pit sounds like a better plan. Off to the airport! Hopefully Tip-Dean has cleaned the scent of stale shit and bad decisions up since my last visit!

ThomasHarrow you're full of life, and if you look carefully there's a donation box right below the Statue of Bearderus. Put the green in your wallet in good use for once.

I would rather contribute to your BG fund when you finally move to LV, my dear friend. 

Pickles looks over the schedule several times . . .

I couldn't help but notice a severe lack of reading materials outside of the obits.  Have you considered adding The Tabloid News to happy, healthy part of your day?

I know all too well about shitpiss's.   My body is far too tanned and muscular to be 100% natural, and shitpiss's are one of the consequences of all the substances I take too look this amazing.   I would recommend to counteract your problem (3 in 1 morning seems a little excessive) that you mix a steady diet of Tums and Pepto all mixed together with some of Major Tom's tears.   The tears are actually fairly easy to get, you just have to sleep with him because he cries himself to sleep everynight.

Anyway thats what cured me man...   Good luck

GTL, I agree.  Except for this body, I like to drink beer.  It makes me good looking, charming, funny, eloquent, and sing on key.  It makes me irresistable to women.  Individual results may vary.

Lola manages to resist Texas_Pickles with considerably little effort. She then offers him a beer as a consolation.

Lola observes GymTanLaundry's glossy sheen. She then casts a discerning eye over the results of his gym addiction. Finally, she wonders if he will someday run for Governor of someplace where his peculiarities feature as the norm.

Some people want to talk about the GF Council. Others want to talk about the death of robots.

I shall talk about the shitpiss, something that is highly underrated here in our world.

Enjoy your trip to The Peach Pit in DT, ThomasHarrow. Make sure you go prepared.

Prepared for dissapointment

Yes I too am mourning the life of ThomasHarrow, a fine and...........

A young thug tugs at the bottom of T-D`s jacket, stopping him abruptly............WHAT IS IT?

It`s a morning in the life of ThomasHarrow sir, says the softly spoken thug who then backs off into the crowd. An awkward prolonged silence follows.

Ah yes, of course Ha Ha Ha, I jest of course......the man is still with us, says Tip as he slowly turns to face away from the throng, grimacing and gnawing on his knuckles with tears in his eyes...........turning again to face the crowd, he continues.

Indeed yes, the man is still, errmm, here. I was of course not at all surprised to hear of his more unsavoury morning exploits being excluded from the list, he has spared you the details of those at least.....”What exploits?” A single voice from the crowd asks............

Well, being as the majority of you seem intent on knowing, I`ll tell you;

His visits to the local donkey sanctuary. Always to be found giving a helping hand during the underbelly wash and Klinker removal routine, his pitiful pleading to the owner for the hoof of “Tinkerbell” in marriage, has caused much concern among the animal rights foundation. The restriction order becomes active in 6 hours.

Madame Casandra`s breast feeding clinic. Yes, your worst fears realised I`m afraid. His appearance at the window of the clinic during the nipple excitation procedure has for the past six months caused many women to take their plump taught breasts elsewhere. Noted for his murmurings of “nipples like Massey Ferguson wheel nuts”, and his continual caressing of his crotch area has only highlited the extent of the urine stain that accentuates the ¾” boner he thrusts at everything that passes.

MajorTom`s hemarrhoid relief cushion. Currently facing a ban from the first floor offices of the HQ due to the constant sniffing of said medical aid, the list of excuses he has made in order to gain access to the ring of confidence has created deep resentment from the hierarchy down.

It has to be said however, that being de-flowered at such an early age by a 300lb bull seal must leave its scars. We have till now been extremely patient and understanding knowing Thomas`s “needs”. However, this sudden increase in such deviant activity has put a noticeable strain on that understanding.

Pickles muses at Lolas actions and opposite words . . .

You say you resisted my charms, but yet you're buying me drinks!  Methinks the lady doth protest too much!

Buying? I don't recall exchanging coinage for beverage, dear Pickles. Oh no. I just happen to carry such man-delights around with me most of the time. Comes in paricularly handy when they haven't been fed back at HQ and a lady needs to clear a pathway to the bathroom.

I don't think Thomas_Harrow is very interesting at all. That looked like a piss boring day. He's shit.

Then again, what do I know. I'm a wank stain.

It was a piss boring day. A shitpiss boring day.

The bright spot of the day was punching Demian in the face, which I think we'll all agree, was long overdue and deserved.

The real highlight of the day was me, the MachoManrRandySavage climbing to the top turn buckle,pointing to the crow, then delievering a big elbow to my worthless friend ThomasHarrow. That no good SOB tried to snap into one of my slim jims brotha. He just wasnt ready for the MachoMadness brotha.

What was the crow doing whilst this went on?

I'm also intrigued as to what the crow was doing. It adds a completely differently element and perspective to the story.

Sure, Lola, sure. I think you're just making up excuses now.  It's okay to admit I'm charming.  The truth shall set you free!

While you all come to an agreement regarding the activities of the crow, I would like to retract my statement about Texas_Pickles.

He is, truly...Lola leans slightly backwards in order to hear Pickles more clearly...a glittering example of all that a gentleman should be and...exceptionally talented. 

Even if he does smell of vinegar. Ahem.

Pickles hauls out a giant score board which reads

Pickle's Charm - 1, Lola's Resistance - 0