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| The Mafia Weekly Issue 2, Volume 1 | Started by: Mr_47 on May 17, '08 08:51 |
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Note from the Publisher: This week's issue is a day late. And it sucks more than usual. But it's all you have so take it or leave it, you whiney bastards. Nothing I do is good enough is it?!? I hate you, mom! Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, the paper. Right, it's not my best work, but hey, what are you gonna do? Read the Tribune? Hahahahahahaha..... Oh that one makes me laugh. So anyway, this paper has far less profanity than I usually use and it contains more news than I'd like. But, my story on the sasquatch got squashed by my editor. Wait, I'm the editor. Damn me to hell. COMMODUMPERFECTUS BECOMES DON! Other Mobsters Rush To Kiss His Ass! CommodumPerfectus, noted gangland leader, has become the mafia's newest Don. With this rank comes the added power and respect that only a Don can command. Also, I believe they get free samples of various products. His climb to power is not a surprise, as he, like his CP friends, are in league with the aliens. With their extraterrestrial knowledge and technology, they will continue to dominate the criminal underground. When asked for a comment, Don Perfectus had our reporter killed. We at 47 Enterprises would like to be among the first to kiss the ass of our newest Don. ALIEN INVASION CONTINUES!! They Walk Among Us! Aliens have invaded the mob and the Mafia Weekly reported it first. Which is more amazing? This week, the aliens known as TestRank invaded the streets and even joined crews throughout the country, firmly imbedding themselves in organized crime. It remains to be seen what their purpose here is, but you can bet your ass they're here to assist the CP with new technology and advance knowledge of the future. A word of advice, beg for mercy from your new alien masters while you still have the chance. It won't be long before they turn us all into their human gangster slaves. MAFIA GENOCIDE! TestWacks Die in Hail of Gunfire; No One Seems to Care In what may be the saddest story of the week, the entire race of TestWacks has been wiped out by the mafia. This cruel genocide has seen such outstanding individuals, such as TestWack-a-47 and TestWack-a-147 die a horrific death after seeing their families killed, their houses burned, and their chickens stomped. Mob leaders, when asked for comment, shot out reporter, TestWack-a-247. Philidelphia is now known to many as "The Killing Fields." THE SAINT BUSTED IN SHOPLIFTING RING! The Saint, noted member of 47 Enterprises was caught shoplifting from a local Dry Goods Store. Police found him with his pockets stuffed with balloons. When cops approached him, reports say he quickly blew up three of the balloons, tied them off, and yelled, "You'll never catch me now, coppers!" Police say that he then looked around, jumped once, and quickly blew up three more balloons. When he still didn't budge, he turned and ran, after which police tackled him and beat him senseless. He is currently out on bail awaiting indictment. TINMAN FINDS LOST TREASURE OF CHEESE Makes A Sandwich Tinman, popular crytologist and treasure hunter has discovered the Lost Treasure of Cheese, a formerly fabled horde of the late Prince of Cheese. Unfortunately, it was really just cheese, covered in gold wax. Tinman, however, plans to make the best of it by opening a sandwich shop, called "Eat My Cheese." The discovered cheese is reported to have a value of seven dollars. THE RED NARC DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE USE OF PROFANITY! Tells Mafia Weekly "Ass You! Ass You to SHIT! The Red Narc, member of 47 Enterprises has been found to have a disability that prevents him from using curse words appropriately. On a normal day, one may hear him say phrases such as "go shit yourself," or "you bastard-hole." He firmly denies this, and refuses to get help. When approached, he only told us "you assers go shit yourselves." After laughing at him for hours, he told us "I hate you rat fucks." We had to laugh at this, too, as it made more sense than anything he had previously said. Letters to the Editor: Dear Senor 47, I am ah new to this, how do you say? Ah, yes, country. I want to, ah, have the sex with the women. Do you have any advice? Sexily, Antonio Banderas Dear Antonio, First, you have to lose that accent. I mean, you even write with it, that's annoying. Second, button up your damn shirt, no one wants to see your chest. Third, wear these glasses, eat this cheese, and leave our women alone. The last thing we need here is more competition for women. Dear 47, Can you explain to me why, when I blow up a balloon, it doesn't float? Also, how many balloons would it take to float a man? Sincerely, Not The Saint Dear Not The Saint, Balloons only float when they contain a gas that is lighter than air, such as helium, or hydrogen. For a man your size, it would take around one million helium filled balloons to lift you into the sky. Just a tip, hydrogen burns. I understand the Germans are planning on flying a hydrogen filled Zeppelin soon. That'll go over like it's made of lead. Seriously, that project is doomed to crash and burn. Opinions? Questions? Feel free to write us at: The Mafia Weekly P.O. Box 47 Chicago, IL 47474 |
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| I hope the Saint is ok!!! | |
| Reply by: Kelly at May 17, '08 13:19 | |
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| Hell you! Hell you to bastards! | |
| Reply by: The_Red_Narc at May 17, '08 13:37 | |
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| You should hear Narc when he gets mad. "Mother shitters... sons of asses!" A good time is to be had by all. | |
| Reply by: Mr_47 at May 17, '08 16:15 | |
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| Lordy... sometimes its painful to read and drink at the same time.... i just got vodka all over my paper. | |
| Reply by: Spent at May 18, '08 02:41 | |
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| Well I guess I shouldn't send my fellow testranks to Narc for swearing lessons | |
| Reply by: TestRank1 at May 18, '08 02:47 | |
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*Shudders* TestRanks... they walk among us. |
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| Reply by: Mr_47 at May 18, '08 17:21 | |
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A fine read.. a fine read Rolls up his copy and places it between his arm and side I look forward to the next issue and ill see if New Orleans can throw something in!! |
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| Reply by: Alfonzo at May 18, '08 20:26 | |
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