The Tabloid News – XLVIII
Texas Pickles:  Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

Howdy!  And let’s get to another wonderful edition of The Tabloid News the #1 non-Knuckle newspaper.  In this edition we’ll discuss all the pertinent topics of the day from the death of robots to Alabama Worley’s romantic indiscretions.  And, of course, everything in between.  So, as we so as we are so fond of saying around here . . . on with the news!

ROBOTS NO LONGER LOOSE IN OUR CITIES

When you walked down the streets just a short time ago, not everyone was what they seemed to be.  Beneath the supposed flesh and blood exterior, not every person we passed had a human heart (especially Grin).  Some of these friends, neighbors, and crewmates of ours were in fact robots - brutish mechanical beings whose sole purpose was to make money for their crew leaders!  Where did they go?  Where did they come from?  Well, we all know the robots were given to us by the gods, but their final whereabouts are unknown.  Unknown, that is, to everyone save the crack investigative journalists of The Tabloid News.  The robots have all been recalled and taken to a private government laboratory.  Their memories have been transferred to giant government computers.  Their memories of the way we work, the way we commit crimes, and the way we organize ourselves are now in the hands of the government.  And, all these robots have been re-programmed into . . .

CORRUPT FEDS NOT TO BE TRUSTED OR CROSSED

As a young reporter, I remember slipping the local Federal Bureau of Narcotics agent a few bucks, and he would tell me where the best prices were for my illicit pharmaceutical business.  But, now, it seems the FBN is cracking down on their corrupt officials and hurting our way of life with their honest law enforcement.  Now, there are robots dressed as G-men roaming our streets.  Are they here to conduct the official audits?  Or are they here to help our notorious friends stay notorious?  We do not yet know.  One thing we do know, though, is that if you try to mete out our regular mafia justice upon them, they frown upon that.  And frown sternly.  They will hunt you down and shoot you like a wascally wabbit.  The staff and management of The Tabloid News remind everyone to be careful around them, and mind their p’s and q’s.

SPY LEAKS USELESS INFORMATION / DISTURBING IMAGES

In a stunning failure by what would seem to be an operative of the OSS, a clandestine operative code-named Roman Of Rome has leaked sensitive documents from a New Orleans HQ.  After reviewing the classified documents, it has been discovered that nothing too sensitive has been leaked, except for some unsightly images of Jammin in a suit and one harassing his niece.  Fortunately, the pictures of Jammin at last year’s swimming pool extravaganza were kept secure.  Much to the dismay of therapists everywhere, the images of him in a speedo were not leaked.  One thing is known about Jammin, he is a fence for stolen gold, and has his own refinery in the bowels of his HQ.

Ed. Note – Someone please remind me to talk to him about that statue of me.

WORLEY LOVE WATCH

Despite her agreement with the Godfather Council to ban the hiring of robots into the crew, Alabama Worley is suspected of keeping one around for her own personal use.  Our reporter, secretly imbedded into the True Romantics could not get specific details, but late at night, a robot can be heard rattling around, and Worley has made several references to her mechanical boyfriend.  Alabama Worley could not be reached for comment.

DEAR RED WATCH:  ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red,
Who the hell are you?
Signed, Those Who Don’t Know

Dear Everyone,
Red Watch is the nome de plume used by the staff of The Tabloid News to answer questions sent to us by you, the reader.  Red Watch was an old friend from yesteryear who originally answered the questions for Mr. Pickles.  She has moved on with her life since, but the name has stayed in her memory.
Red


Dear Red,
Why does Pickles keep making references to French Maids and Swedish Children?
Signed, Those Who Don’t Know But Didn’t Ask The First Question

Dear Everyone Else,
It has long been known, if not often explained, that the hereditary editor of The Tabloid News keeps a staff of French Maids - all in (in)appropriate uniforms to keep the offices clean and stroke Pickles’ ego.  The Swedish Children work the printing presses for several reasons.  First, oddly, Swedish child labour is very cheap.  Second, their nimble little fingers fit so well inside all that complex machinery.
Red

HOUSEHOLD HINTS AND TIPS

Do you ever find yourself in need of concrete, but can’t find your nearest contractor?  I’m going to give you a recipe for your own home-made concrete.  First, you’ll need . . .

2 five gallon buckets or 1 ten gallon basin
2 ¾ parts stone and gravel aggregate
2 ½ parts sand
1 part cement
½ part water
1 stool pigeon

To mix them, measure all of the dry ingredients carefully and combine.  Then add the water and mix thoroughly.  I like to add a little nutmeg to mine.  There’s no reason teaching a loudmouth a lesson can’t be a festive affair.  Pour the mixture into the buckets or the basin, and make your victim place his feet inside.  Let stand for two hours to harden.  Then, take them to the nearest bridge, first making sure the water is deep enough to drown them, and not just make them wet.  Toss your “problem” over the bridge, and the problem is solved.  It’s a good thing.

SINGER laughs.

Worley Love Watch? Ha i knew it! Great job Pickles i enjoyed it!

SKADOOSH grabs a Tabloid and reads through laughing at the Alabama section. I always like seeing your work pickle keep it up. 

SKADOOSH tucks the article under his arm and grabs his cane and heads off to his meeting