RAVIOLI AND BROKEN PROMISES - A TWO COURSE MEAL

Lobster ravioli. The famous lunchtime staple guaranteed to get the creative juices flowing. Well, not actually flowing, more like unkempt, unwashed thinking about flowing, aggressively sabotaging any potential competition and a week later not even a creative drip having quite managed to permeate through the Mafia Media landscape. That's OK though, because when the bill arrives it includes a $1,660,000 deduction making it the most expensive lobster ravioli and Chardonnay in the restaurant's history. The business model was flawed, they had to close down, reputation and finances in ruins. A cute brunette waitress unemployed and an owner questioning where it all went wrong. 

And that ladies and gentleman is the seamless introduction to this piece of investigative journalism; where did it all go wrong? A dangerous question to ponder it seems as it has already put paid Cyrax, Cyraxx, CaymenIslandsBanker and SuspiciousFellow. This intrigued me even more. Why were so many bodies turning up over a simple $1.66m lobster ravioli lunch? What evil forces were at play? What dreadful secret were the powers that be afraid was going to get out?

In order to answer that, I headed at first to the scene of the crime. The restaurant itself was very generic. In fact, there was actually no description of it all. All I knew was that it had a kitchen, at least one table and a front door. That was a good start, but I would probably need more. I pushed through the front door, which was unlocked and found a man, presumably the owner with his head in his hands next to the only table in the joint. Had they once had more? I was unsure. Hopefully it wouldn't be relevant to my investigation.

I approached the man and asked him what was wrong. He told me through wracking sobs that he couldn't afford the rent on the business now that someone, or multiple someones, had forced him to refund a diner, who looked like they hadn't left the house or showered for two days and had spent twenty minutes scanning the three-item menu - his words - to the tune of $1,660,000. He didn't know how it had happened. One minute he was dishing out his famous lunchtime special, lobster ravioli, and then next he was over $1.6m in the red. You know what was the worst part, he said, there wasn't even a lousy newspaper to read at the end of it. He had my sympathies. 

I consoled him as best as I could and took my leave. I would need to delve deeper into this mystery if I was going to unravel it, and that would mean trying to pick up from where Cyrax, Cryaxx, CaymenIslandsBanker and SuspiciousFellow had left off. It was going to be a dangerous road and I needed to be on my guard lest I go the same way. HeadCoach was gunned down by Ian "Illuminiatated" O'Keefe in fat cold blood on 19th August '22. That wasn't relevant to the investigation, just something that should be placed on record. 

Read our next issue to find out how the investigation progresses. 

ANOTHER NEWSPAPER RAMMED DOWN THE GULLET OF AN UNSUSPECTING AND DISINTERESTED POPULOUS LIKE A LUNCHTIME LOBSTER RAVIOLI

Feb 10-Feb 12 will go down forever in MafiaReturns history as the days that spawned the rebirth of Mafia Journalism. Has there ever been a moment like it before where not one, but five newspapers were launched in such a short space of time? This investigative journalist certainly can't recall one. We had been expecting just one newspaper to hit the shelves after a $1,660,000 retainer had been levied from a distraught restaurateur to Gillian to revive her The Weekly Gazette and instead we were treated to THE CYRAXX TRIBUNE, The Harold Vol IIIIII, Banker's Digest and MR Gazette. There was some confusion that the MR Gazette might be a reincarnation of The Weekly Gazette and as yet this is unconfirmed. I have reached out to TommyVitale to confirm or deny and will keep viewers abreast of that situation as we become aware of it.

Meanwhile, as I am a multi-tasker capable of, amongst other things, choosing an item for my lunch from a menu after only a single peruse of that menu and producing a newspaper largely around that luncheon selection, I have decided to produce a newspaper. Why would I choose to do that when there are already four newspapers in existence and possibly a fifth on the way? Simple, I'm an opportunist. You see now that 4 of those 5 editors have been whomped in the face, there is a gap in the market for an enterprising individual like myself. TommyVitale saw it and tried to step into the void with his/Gillian's Gazette (unconfirmed) and I didn't want to miss my slice of the pie, especially since based on recent history Tommy would also be taking a dirt nap soon. This newly forged news empire is going to belong to me.

My unique selling point is investigative journalism. Here at the SaddleNEWSflashing HQ we are determined to seek out answers to those questioning burning a hole on your tongue. Where did the $1,660,000 go if not on an issue of The Weekly Gazette/MR Gazette? Who was responsible for paying that retainer? Why has newspaper editing become the most dangerous pastime since entering a Lincoln_Lawyer writing contest? You won't get the answers to those questions anywhere else. 

RECENT AND NOT SO RECENT DEATHS

CaymanIslandsBanker - Wise Guy - Deceased

A promising Wise Guy turned newspaper editor slain around 9:30PM on Feb 11th '24. 

Mourners at the funeral were surprised to see two suspected mob bosses and one wannabe newsman at the service. Messages were generally positive, which was in direct contrast to the funeral of NineSecondMan where the ceremony was little more than a glorified urinal. What next for the banker's kin? We will be keeping a close eye on developments.

Fluffy_Tummy - Don - Deceased

Not quite on this day in January '24, the reputed Las Vegas kingpin was gunned down around 9AM. Whilst local law enforcement searched for clues as to the identity of the assailant, shots rang out and before long the assassin's own kin tipped up to the funeral to claim responsibility for the act. He claimed to have been "paid a lot of money to do this", which is not currently believed to be linked to the Gillian Weekly Gazette retainer, although nobody has claimed otherwise either. 

We will provide further details about recent and not so recent deaths in further issues. 

EDITOR'S NOTE

I hope you have enjoyed this publication. I have expended approximately $3,560,135 in fees and bribes to my sources and I will be really grateful if I could get some of that back. So even if you didn't like this please tip generously so that I can keep this running. It is very expensive running a newspaper; not quite as expensive as a lobster ravioli lunch, but still. I've got bills to pay.  

Too long, didnt read. But the lobster ravioli was excellent, you should definitely try it.

Gillian, I would just like to thank you for taking the time out of your day not publishing your own paper to come out here and enjoy mine. You, probably more than anyone as you haven't quite managed it yet, know how tough it is to get these things out there. The support of well respected gangsters with a penchant for fine lunchtime dining like yourself are exactly what I need to keep this thing rolling on. 

If you do manage to get over that hurdle and publish the 7th newspaper in the last week to hit the Streets, I'll be sure to pick up a copy.