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| Jesters Of Comedy Present: The Roast of Mr_47 | Started by: Kevin_Leman on May 20, '08 21:50 |
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Kevin Leman stands at the podium, in front of the crowd. Behind him on the stage sit a gathering of guests, one in particular standing out of the crowd. Mr_47, the man of the hour, and it was Kevin's job to introduce him, to kick off the roasting. Welcome, everyone. I'd like to thank you all for joining us, especially you Mr_47, glad you could spare the time, and the fact of me and Cyclone hosting it didn't scare you away. Nice gas mask, it works well with your suit. Kevin turns to Cyclone and tells him to move farther away from Mr_47, as his eyes are beginning to water. Anyway, there's not much I can say about this man. He's funny, he's smart, he's incredibly hansom, and he's paying me to say all this. Seriously though, Mr_47 has sparked conversation with me, even though we have no family ties, and he's only heard the radio show that once. He turns to Mr_47 Oh, and I apologize for hog tyeing your hosts, they are terribly dull. I mean, seriously, who cares what the news is? I for one would rather hear some outlandish comic make a fool of himself. I hear you feel the same, friends tell me you talk to yourself all the time! Kevin turns back to the crowd But, enough of me, allow me to introduce the first guest, The_Red_Narc. Kevin backs away from the podium, shakes The_Red_Narc's hand, and sits, all while the audience erupts in applause. |
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**Narc walks up to the podium wearing his newly purchased black tuxedo with black bowtie. He has an unlit cigar in his mouth and a tumbler with a whiskey sour. Before he begins to speak he takes the cigar away from his mouth** Thank you, thank you everyone. It seems everyone's showed up in their finest. Hey, Henry_Jung, you get a free bowl of soup with that outfit? **Narc takes a fake puff from the unlit cigar then removes it from his mouth again** There goes Numbers4Glory in the back...with a woman on each arm. Ha, the joke's on him. They both got adam's apples! **Narc takes another fake puff** Just kidding, just kidding. They're beautiful. Gifts from your wife? **ba dum ching* At a time like this is when we really honor Omerta. (that means no one tells the boss lady, k?) I see ChrisPaul wore his finest threads. A gold chain and a Chinese tattoo that's probably the recipe for General Tso's chicken. KingofWheelBarrows is back there ordering a drink. My guess, if he's anything like the ol' man the prince...he's probably ordering a flirtini? Or is it a cosmo? Worse...why do I know the names of those drinks? And Bighead...Bighead. You know, they've begun a saying, what with these cameras and photographs becoming all the craze. They've got a saying that goes, "The camera, it adds 10 pounds." If that's the case, how many cameras are looking at Bighead? **Yet another fake puff and a sip of his whiskey sour** Okay, okay. So I've made my rounds and now is the time to pay my respects to the man of the hour. Mr_47. Only problem is, how can I respect a guy who went bald 20+ years ago, but contends to this day he shaves his head voluntarily. Just kidding, I mean he's a great boss and great family man. Not the kind of guy who takes his work home with him...well, because we do all the work. And talk about ugly. He fell from the top of the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down, had a dog take a dump on him, and the locals tarred and feathered him. On top of all that, God still decided "Just to mess with him, I am going to make one leg longer with the other." No wonder he can only dance in circles and has trouble taking lefts on a sidewalk. I kid. I kid because I love. **takes a sip of his whiskey sour** Anyway, you gotta respect a guy as old as Mr_47. I didn't realize how old he was until I looked as his old high school year book and saw a picture of Jesus. I mean, the guy has love letters from Pocahontas in his desk. I shouldn't make fun of a veteran like Mr_47. I mean, he did serve in both the Revolution and the War of 1812. Anyway, Mayor_McCheese, that beefy bastard, is telling me my time's up. Mr_47, in all seriousness I salute you. You are one of a kind and it is my pleasure to be in your crew. **Narc steps back from the podium and begins the walk back to his seat** |
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| Reply by: The_Red_Narc at May 20, '08 21:51 | |
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Thank you, The_Red_Narc, and glad to see you're not wearing a dress today. I almost didn't get through rehearsal with you in that pink slip. As the crowd's laughter subsides, Kevin turns towards the next guest Mayor_McCheese, who, unlike his name, doesn't smell all that much of cheese--more of salami and french bread. Welcome him with open arms, ladies and gentleman! The crowd applauds as Mayor_McCheese takes the podium. |
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| Reply by: Kevin_Leman at May 20, '08 21:54 | |
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*Hears Kevin_Leman talking to the crowd saying "And now the man who needs no introduction, I present to you" and fails to state a name; the spotlight shoots over to my direction. Walks up to the podium, and notices everyone wondering who in the hell this is* Hello everyone, my name is Mayor_McCheese (hears the audience still questioning who the hell this is), I um... work with Mr_47 on a regular basis, and sometimes work as his right hand man. When Kevin_Leman asked me to do this tonight, I of course immediately said "Hell No!" but then he reminded me that Mr_47 had threatened my life otherwise, so then I quickly agreed to this. I'd first like to thank the other speakers for joining us here today, first we have The_Red_Narc. Red I'm glad to see you came wearing pants today, sometimes that cape just doesn't cover everything. Mr_Rogers, nice to see you out in public again; I thought you were taking your Howard Hughes phase a bit too far. I'm also glad to see dirty_henry_jung here this evening, its nice that he's taken time out from his family's favorite hobby of dying to join us here tonight. If these gentlemen aren't speaking tonight, I blame my cataracts for not seeing correctly. What can you say about a man who is admired, revered, and loved by everyone? I can start by saying he's not the man we're honoring tonight. Well what can I say about Mr_47, that won't actually get me killed. I guess that means I have to cross off the cross dressing, the mirrored shoe collection, the tax write off orphanage that he started *notices Mr_47 pulling out his pistol*. Anyway what I meant to say, is that being a part of 47's crew is excellent, as long as you don't mind long houred days, no meal breaks, back breaking labor, and the joy of seeing your boss blow all of the money you've earned him at the casino on a nightly basis. I've never seen a casino so happy to see a returning player in all of my life. I hear that as part of their new hire orientation, they have a two hour segment that involves just teaching them about 47's likes and dislikes. They teach them how to make the perfect man's drink for him, the "Fuzzy Navel." Speaking of 47's likes and dislikes, when I first met him, I asked him if he was a legs man, or an upper torsoe man. I thought we had something in common when he said he was a legs man, until he told me he wanted to show me something in the next room. I followed him in there, and he showed me his Spider exhibit. I've never seen so many spiders in all of my life, and unfortunately he had to sell all of his terrariums, due to gambling debts; so needless to say the spiders were everywhere. Now, not everything is bad in the 47 camp, we still have our three values that he preaches to us daily. He sticks to the old values: life, liberty, and the pursuit of a fast buck. He says he learned all of this while attending college. One thing I will give 47, the man definitely knows what he's talking about. Don't believe me? Just ask him for yourself. Mr_47 does have a bit of a polarizing attitude, there's absolutely no middle ground with him, either you hate him, or you detest him. Ah but I digress. Mr_47 for fear of death, and many other unspeakable acts of punishment you may give me, I'll end this on a positive note. I'm glad to see you're still doing fine after all of these months in the lime light. Here's to you 47, *raises glass and toasts* |
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| Reply by: Mayor_McCheese at May 20, '08 21:55 | |
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Well Sir CheeseAlot, oh, excuse me, Mayor_McCheese, That was a very touching speech, if I do say so myself. As Mayor_McCheese takes his seat again, and the crowd subsides, Kevin get's serious Ladies and Gentleman, we've been poking fun at him all night, making jokes at his expense, and just plain tearing him up a bit. And all of this at the risk of dieing in our sleep. We're either comic geniuses, or complete morons. I vote a little of both. But either way you look at it, here's the great MR_47! |
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| Reply by: Kevin_Leman at May 20, '08 22:00 | |
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*47 steps up to the podium, takes a look around, and begins to speak...* Complete morons. Who the hell let these people put this thing on? And you, in the audience. What kind of idiot pays to see this crap? I see Deviant back there. You think I'm old? I've seen younger faces than his on cash. And Numbers is here, too. Numbers is here, too. Numbers, Narc is right about those girls. He should know, they spent the night with him last night. Narc is great, just like his mom. And McCheese? I couldn't ask for a better right hand. In fact, he's better than my right hand, if you know what I mean. But let's get back to these idiots running the show. Guys, this is the mafia. Isn't there enough dying here without your attempts at comedy? |
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| Reply by: Mr_47 at May 20, '08 22:20 | |
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As Mr_47 slays the speakers, Kevin stands back up to the podium Well, Thank you Mr_47, for your...kind...words. I do believe comedy died the other day with the sad attempt at WMOB Mob Radio. Kevin turns to the crowd Mr_47 everybody! 120 years old, and still got a sharper tounge then any of us in the room! I wasn't sure it was him, until he got to the back of the stage today. The lights blinded me momentarily off his skull. Narc, you care to speak any more on this matter? Or maybe you Mayor_McCheese? If not, then I say let's open the podium to the public, and let the public roast Mr_47! |
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| Reply by: Kevin_Leman at May 20, '08 22:35 | |
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| You'll notice there are only two members of 47 Enterprises that dared to speak. It's not because the rest of them are scared of me, it's because they're just so damn boring. And intelligent? No. Popular? Henry Jung used to be popular, but now, he's not welcome in certain circles. Like earth. | |
| Reply by: Mr_47 at May 20, '08 22:51 | |
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As he wait in the back of the podium for his turn, changes his mind at the last minute but suddenly the stage light is on him and decides to walk up to the podium. clears his throut Hmm something nice about my boss...well i always respect the elderly, specially someone as old as Mr_47, i mean really someone that was present at the time of the Dark Ages you got to admire that, though he lost his hair before his twenties. Pauses after seen Mr_47 face for a minute but seriously hes a great boss, manages his crew great, he gave us life coughs even though he threated to take it away. He is a true OG and am glad to be part of his family. As he prepares to make another joke about Mr_47's baldness, sees a red dot moving in his black suit Well everybody thats all the time i have left. To my boss Mr_47 who has endure the test of time. |
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| Reply by: Ricardo at May 20, '08 23:33 | |
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The Saint walks up and takes his turn at the dais. "Ladies and Gentlemen . . . since none of those are here, I'll just address you mugs. Distinguished guests, Mayor McCheese, I see you're still siphoning tax payer money for those stinky cuban cigars. Red Narc, I see you've overcome your bedwetting, or was that fear of public speaking? Eitherway . . . Henry Jung, it's nice to have you here. It's good of them to let you out of the asylum for such an event. Ah, Mr. 47 . . . years ago, my family brought him into these cities, back when we hung out in Libraries, and he feared clowns. His spider collection was quite large back then. Now, I think he's just down to one. Good ol' 47, constantly falling asleep. I remember him when he lived in a trailer park, and associated with drunken Brits. 47, a man's man, and a woman's woman. He had the operation, you know. I remember once he had me obtain naked photos of an old school teachers daughter for potential blackmail. Those were the days. 47, I've known you a long time, and you've always been a stand up guy. Because if you sat down, your narcolepsy would take over. So, once again, high praises for a cunning linguist. Thank you all. |
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| Reply by: The_Saint at May 21, '08 04:29 | |
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| Ladies and gentlemen, The Saint. What can I say about the only guy in my crew that's older than I am? You wonder how old he is? He's the third guy from the left on the evolutionary chart. But he's a great guy. Dumb as hell, but a great guy. But, he's loyal. Like a golden retriever. Also like the dog, he'll hump your leg and pee on the floor. | |
| Reply by: Mr_47 at May 21, '08 14:57 | |
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| At least I'm a homo erectus, as opposed to you who's a homo viagrus. Please, no gay jokes, let's just stick to the latin nomenclature. Thank you. | |
| Reply by: The_Saint at May 21, '08 17:38 | |
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*Henry Jung walks in a day late and always, a dollar short.* So I have no sense of timing or humor. It is probably good that I wasn't a headliner. So what can I say about 47 that hasn't already been mentioned? Have they talked about the midgets? I mean ever since I got the old man "The Wizard of Oz" to read I've seen more midgets dressed in colorful clothing going in and out of his room than at small person gay pride parade. Hey, I actually made a joke. Points for me. Now as for The_Saint, The_Red_Narc and Mayor_McCheese. What can I say about these three? Well the fact that they all live together in a one bedroom apartment is probably the most interesting thing about any of them. I hear The_Saint sleeps in the middle but with all the movement in that bed at night, I don't think there is much sleeping going on. Now I'm not trying to say they are into a deviant lifestyle but Deviant feels dirty when he spends anytime in the same room with them. And with that I'm going to get out of here as quick as possible before I randomly die again. *Leaves the stage and tries to go in the wrong direction out the revolving door.* I may be here awhile. |
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| Reply by: Dirty_Henry_Jung at May 21, '08 17:56 | |
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