STALKED, LISTED, BUT STILL ALIVE

There are very few things which concentrate the mind of a man like having multiple contracts taken out on their life to the tune of $15,000,000. Was this the measure of my worth, less than 10 lobster ravioli lunches? And who was behind it? Jealous editors? Monobrowed wannabes? People I had investigated? 

The trial had gone cold and evidence was sparse. On the one hand Gillian was openly admitting to compiling evidence to get me killed, had attacked me in public and mentioned the contracts on a regular basis during one of her numerous tagging sprees, but on the other she was hoping nothing bad happened to me, so clearly she couldn't be behind it.

And then there was the fact that the original Gazette, the MR Gazette by TommyVitale, was storming ahead in the Newspaper Power Rankings. Here was me, $15m on my life, $2m in the hole after Issue I and Tommy is over there running the most popular publication by some distance, getting $23m in tips. 

These were the problems staring me in the face and I sat down to write Issue 2. I had survived 4 rival papers, but 1 paper, the MR Gazette and 1 tabloid, the Weekly (possible false advertising) Gazette were still going. If I was going to tackle the MR Gazette Goliath, I would have to do it whilst dodging bullets. Fucking wonderful.

Enter Sylence. This handsome Godfather reached out to me and kindly offered assistance in removing the hits. I appreciated the offer and thanked him for looking out for this senior newsman. 

Enter harison. This handsome Godfather informed me that my work as an associate had been noted and he had cleared the hits. What a prince. If you had been making statements like, “if your crewleader didn’t even bothered taking your hits off. You must be very loved”, and “Your Crew Leader didn’t both buying out. Sad sad. That shows how much appreciation he has for you,” I guess you got your answer. 

NEWSPAPER ACQUISITIONS - PUBLIC AUCTION ENDS 12:00 ON SATURDAY 24TH FEBRUARY

We at the Saddle Newsflash are giving public notice of an upcoming auction for the ownership rights and royalties to the following publications:

• THE CYRAXX TRIBUNE
• THE CYRAXXXPLICIT FORUM
• Banker's Digest
• The Harold

With the fall of CaymenIslandsBanker, Cyrax, Cyraxx, CYRAXX and SuspiciousFellow, these famous newspapers are now in the public domain and can be obtained by submitting an offer in writing. 

Exchange and completion upon the purchase will be simultaneous upon the fall of the auctioneer's hammer. I will be acting as auctioneer in the absence of anyone else more qualified. 

As the most senior newsman and the #1 VIP on the Streets, and in what can only be construed as a clear conflict of interest, I have submitted the following offers to acquire each of these publications:

• THE CYRAXX TRIBUNE - $1
• THE CYRAXXXPLICIT FORUM - $1
• Banker's Digest - $1
• The Harold - $1

These are considered to be the leading bids at the present time. 

The auction for these items will conclude on Saturday. And just in case there are any jokers out there who think this is like one of Gillian's timelines where you promise something on a Monday and drop it on a Thursday, don't even try it. Bids made after the deadline will probably not be considered.

Any bidders will have until noon on Saturday 24th February to declare their offers otherwise these famous institutions will become part of the newly formed The Saddle Newsflash News Group. 

Updates to follow.

IMPORTANT THINGS WHICH HAVE HAPPENED SINCE OUR LAST ISSUE

A lot has happened in the ever changing Mafia landscape as rival families jostle for position. Here is a brief summary of the key talking points on our Streets:

Two further issues of the MR Gazette have been published - Much to my chagrin, I was recently beaten upon hot scoops such as The Durden War continuing, kidnapping in Chicago FBI and cops being corrupt. For this reason I voted for him in the Bull Sheet Awards although I'm not totally sure whether that was a good or bad thing. 

The Resurgence of the Streets - My muse TipToeTimmy took a break from tipping and toeing to announce his retirement from encouraging street discourse and interaction via his 36 part soliloquy. Gillian shamelessly tried to take credit for the eponymous resurgence in street activity. That was a low point which is best forgotten as we wish TipToeTimmy all the best in retirement.  

Lust in Translation - War crimes against ears committed by SpikeS. Best avoided. 

Betrayal in New York - Follow up to possible foreign language guide in seduction, Lust in Translation. Further war crimes against ears committed. Best avoided. 

They Watch Us - Very popular story by Insanity. Following keenly to see how it progresses.

VDay came. BerZerk retired. He was mourned. He was revived. VDay went. 

That’s about it really.

If you know of anything else worth reporting, please contact our tip line (my mailbox), not to be confused with the auction line (my mailbox).

RECENT AND NOT SO RECENT DEATHS

Corpsegrinder - Goomba - Deceased

The most recent death to occur prior to publication (less than 1 hour prior); he's not even cold yet! 

Best dressed mourner: Sal_Giaquinto. Radiating omerta, honour, respect and family, he wished Corpsegrinder all the best in heaven sporting a fetching cream number. 

Little known Sal fact: His RHM has the following quote: "I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to hurt and destroy my brothers, and you will know my name is The Big Joker when I lay my vengeance upon thee.” Wordsmith. 

Albino - Don - Deceased

Not quite on this day in February ‘24, this established Don was slain for posting hits on Godfathers. Who can understand the motives of the man? Well, his final moments were recently described by his son, Warmonger, in a discussion about the shape of a box who had this to say: “...do you know what Transistor did when he heard of Crazy Al’s transgressions…he shot him. He put his personal feelings aside, pulled out his gun and shot my Father in the fact to protect the City of Philadelphia”. Brutal. 

PLACES TO VISIT

In a new feature we are going to be profiling the very best venues across the country and some of those forgotten relics which have fallen out of favour. If you’re interested in having one of our reporters visit your business and showcasing it, please let our editor know.

Chicago Stadium

“The Madhouse on Madison”, as the ice skating rink was affectionately known, became a household name when then pioneering owner, Destro_Whelan, transformed it’s fortunes with an innovative hot dog snack bar. People traveled across the country to sample these processed delights and witness the spectacles being performed on the ice that day. 

As the hot dog roller rolled for the final time with the demise of WesWatson, employed as part of the ultimately ill-fated state work-release program, so too did the Chicago Stadium pass out of the public consciousness never to be visited again. Will any venue ever marry ice skating and hot dogs so perfectly again? 

VIP RANKINGS

As of the time of publication: 

Holding steady in #1 is everybody's favourite most senior newsman, SaddleFlashing. I had this to say about my achievement: 

"Wow, I'm honoured to be recognised as the Top VIP in the Streets. Even though I don't like to mention it much, I know what a prestigious award this is. I admit that I have been embroiled in a few punching-down matches lately, which I'm not proud of, and I apologise for that. I support England. I'll do my best to maintain the 4 Sal's over the coming days and hang on to my position. Thank you." - SaddleFlashing

Hot on my heels and former VIP kingpin, TipToeTimmy is in #2, (how will his retirement impact on his position?) and stalking him is my nemesis and rival editor, TommyVitale. Are you trying to take this from me too, Tommy?

Late movement further down the pecking order as long-time #6 Gillian continued her stint in mid-table mediocrity, only improving slightly into #5 position despite all the tagging she has been doing. Yikes. 

Insanity benefits from that very popular story I mentioned earlier taking the Gillian in #6, and quote behemoth, The-Big-Joker bisects South Philly's finest in #7 and #10.

Friend of the Newsflash, Tyki_Mikk rounds out the top 10 and the lower echelons have work to do to merit a mention in this publication. Worth pointing out though that there isn't a monobrow or Kuku in sight on this list. Thank God. 

EDITOR'S NOTE

Really tough week for me personally. I was hitlisted and armpit attacked, both of which caused me a great deal of distress. I didn't receive any votes in The Bull Sheet Awards - either thank you for not voting for me if that is good or I'm really disappointed that you didn't vote for me if that is bad - and TommyVitale has been kicking my ass in the Power Rankings. Even I had to vote for him ffs.

I got killed by my own city during VDay. I had to pay a lot of money out to the Philly cops (there's a scoop for you Tom, ya scrub) to get that news about the Corpsegrinder hit and I probably owe my boss like $15m in hit recompense. Please give generously - this is the measure of how good a paper is and TommyVitale is absolutely pissing all over everyone.

I also know I said I would discuss more about a certain ravioli retainer in this issue but the level of violence (murder) that follow those asking questions about that has scared me into silence. Thanks. 

Transistor scanned the pages of the most recent edition of <insert newspaper here> and noticed a potential for some easy cash. He decided to march over to the headquarters of <one of the newspapers> to speak to SaddleFlashing immediately.

Saddle. Great to see you, so glad you got rid of your heat. I heard people wanted you dead with "the quickness" I'm not sure what that means but that's the rumor going around.

Anyway listen.

The Harold - $1

I'd like to place my bid on The Harold. I'll pay $100,000. I've always been an admirer and while my brow is not as pronounced as Harold's I think I can grow it out.

Transistor, thank you for your appearance and kind words. However, I guess I shouldn't be surprised with your track record for misappropriation that you would try to snatch the Harold out from underneath me. Very on brand. As self-appointed auctioneer, executor and leading bidder, I'm trapped in a legal minefield and have no choice but to recognise your offer as the current leading bid DESPITE my own displeasure at the turn of events. 

Luckily a lot can change before the auction hammer falls. Oh yes.

SaddleFlashing, i didnt read your newspaper, but someone came to tell me you're still mentioning my name on it. 07 times. Have you seen me mentioning you on my newspaper? Why don't you do the same, if you dislike me that much? Don't taint your wonderful newspaper with my name. And i shall keep doing the same. This obssesion with me is unhealthy, man. Great a grip, son."

Gillian, I don't believe for a second that you had someone proof this for you and count your mentions, I think you did that all by yourself. Conversely, I don't know how many times you mentioned me as I was busy every day other than Monday and it wasnt released on that day, as it had been advertised it would be. If you calling me obsessed with you by tagging me in my own discussion isn't the crab risotto calling the lobster ravioli fishy, I don't know what is. 

For the avoidance of doubt, if you were mentioned in this wonderful issue at all, it was just an unhappy coincidence that occurred whilst I was recounting factual information. Nothing personal. 

13:15 <REDACTED[MR]> Hey look

13:15 <REDACTED[MR]> one of your hate cultists got through a whole street post without directly tagging you

13:15 <REDACTED[MR]> but still somehow mentioned you like 15 times

13:44 <Gillian[MR]> looooool

"Indeed, champ. Anyway, i won't be coming around here anymore. You have a bad habit of wanting to have the last word (as if it means winning something), so i shall let you have it. Good luck obssessing.

SaddleFlashing I don't know what this paper called "The Harold" is, but it most certainly cannot be 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻. The former is just a cheap knockoff (just like "The Herald of the Underworld" now that I think of it). The latter is a brand that's solely owned by those who where the monobrowed attire, not something that falls in public domain or is up for grabs.

My grandfather SuspiciousFellow had to wage a really long and protracted lawsuit with several claimants for the name of the paper, which increased our outstanding family's debt by yet another 30 million dollars (our lawyers were TOP TIER though), and I do not want to have to borrow yet more money from that contemptible dirtbag known as kuku just so I can get embroiled in yet another legal battle.

However I would like to make a bid of 2$ on "Banker's Digest". Perhaps if I acquire the unpublished articles produced by CaymanIslandsBanker's genius I might be able to save myself from financial ruination and learn how to turn a profit.

See ya later, Gil.

MonobrowedMenace, The Harold was the shortform name of The Harold of the Underworld, something which SuspiciousFellow even named it in the latest (final?) Issue. I don't make the rules, except in this case where I literally made all of them. If $30m is the market value of the paper, I'm sure that'll come out at auction. At the moment Transistor is leading with $100,000. 

Your bid of $2 for Banker's Digest has been logged. My news group is collapsing before my eyes.

Jen_Mooney returns to the streets after her mother was gunned down in a mob dispute. She eagerly flags down a paper boy and purchases one. “Keep the change, kid” she says as she sits down at a nearby bench and reads it. She finishes reading and lets out a long sigh

SaddleFlashing and Gillian can you two please stop? You two are ruining the streets with this back-and-forth.  It’s bad enough that we are flooded with newspapers, SaddleFlashing’s trash-rag included, but Gillian do you really need to feed into all the nonsense? If you have such a problem with being mentioned in this paper then start your own paper and show him how it’s done. What you’re doing now, this is not the way.