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| The Mafia Weekly Issue 3, Volume 1 | Started by: Mr_47 on May 24, '08 18:08 |
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Letter from the Publisher: Word on the streets is that the Tribune will be up and running again. That should be interesting, since I plan on stealing their printing equipment later tonight. They can publish that story: Tribune Can't Print, Presses Stolen! Or wait, no, they couldn't print that one, because I'll have their printing presses. I want to assure our readers, all three of you (thanks mom!) that we will continue to be your number one source of one hundred percent real, honest, semi-factual news. Also, I'd like to remind you that we have a staff made up of one person and all I have to print this crap on is a roll of toilet paper and a feather pen dipped in ink. That's right, I hand write every one of these damn things. We've been up and running for three weeks, which makes us the Mafia's longest running newspaper! Beat that, Mary Livermore. Anyway, this week's paper should be better than last week's, which doesn't say that much. DEVIANT DEAD!! Anarchists Rejoice, Aliens Mourn In a stunning turn of events, CP frontman Deviant was shot dead in the streets this week by a previously unknown made man, whose name escapes me at the moment. I didn't know him before, and I've already forgotten him. However, the retribution from the CP was quick and efficient, as the assassin's body was soon paraded through midtown on a stake. Deviant was seen waving an American flag, singing the National Anthem, while cheering at a parade for New York Firefighters, with the orphans he had bought ice cream cones, when the assassin approached him. Witnesses report that Deviant said to the assassin "Beautiful day, isn't it? God bless America, and may God bless you, sir." Then, the assassin coldly drew his unfeeling, unpatriotic gun and shot him in the throat, in front of dozens of orphans. Firefighters rushed to save his life, but Deviant would not allow any medical attention until the orphans were accounted for. "Finish the parade... for the kids..." were his last words. Mysteriously, his body has disappeared from the morgue. We can only assume that the alien masters of the CP are performing various probings upon it now. MONEYBAGS SETS UP SHOP IN CHICAGO! Dies soon after Someone named Moneybags set up in Chicago, home of 47 Enterprises. Then they died. Who was this Moneybags? I don't know. Who cares? No one. A note to rogues: stay the fuck out of Chicago. I hear Ciudad Juarez is nice this time of year. COMATOSE NEWSPAPER EDITOR SPEAKS! Mary Livermore rises to activity Mary Livermore, editor of the currently defunct Mafia Tribune, has been in a coma for some time now. However, earlier this week, she spoke in response to Numbers4Glory's offer of cash for the long missing paper. Doctors are stunned. "If we had known that all it took was an assload of cash to wake her up, we would have done it ages ago," her doctor, Dr. Seymour Fagyna said. As an unfortunate side effect of her comatose state, Mary Livermore has developed liver spots. Plastic surgeons hope to correct this. Said plastic surgeon Dr. Micheal Hunt, "Gross." We at the Weekly wish her many days of being awake. MR 47 STILL NOT A CONSIGLIERE!! What the hell? Yeah, that story pretty much ended at the headline. FRIGGIN EVERYONE IS BECOMING A DON!! Mr. 47 still a boss! What the hell? Everyone and their dog is a damn consigliere and now half of them are dons. Me? I'm a boss. I blame the alien conspiracy. By outing their extraterrestrial plans, I have pissed them off and they are keeping me from promotion. Well, get this, you alien bastards! I'm sorry. In other news, my crew is plotting to kill me so they can advance past me. I'm fairly sure my right hand man could be godfather if his leader wasn't a boss. COMMODUMPERFECTUS PREPARES TO FIGHT ARMY OF THE UNDEAD! Zombies prepare to eat brains You heard it here first. As the army of the undead prepares to attack the world of the living, only one man stands between us and being eaten alive. COMMODUMPERFECTUS! That's right, Don Perfectus, armed with his trusty shotgun prepares for the eventual rise of zombies as part of his daily ritual. His basement is stocked with supplies for himself, a few of his crew, and several women. "We might need to repopulate the earth," the don explained. "So, I plan on taking several hotties for every man down there when the zombies attack. We'll be getting it on while you get your brains eaten." His shelter is lined with concrete, surrounded by lead, and coated in garlic. "In case the vampires come with them," he explains. His theory? In twenty days, the zombies will either be defeated, or they will have taken over the human race. In fifty days, the remaining zombies will have starved to death. During this time, he and his harem will be underground, preparing to repopulate the earth. And now, some quick notes: EYZLEE TO WED BAT-BOY! Bat-boy's mother: "He's too good for her." Wedding date set in cave, at night. MAJOR JERKOVSKI CAUGHT MASTURBATING IN PUBLIC RESTROOM No one really that surprised. Restraunt owner: "So, it was Tuesday. What's the big deal? At least he wasn't in the kitchen." CHUCK NORRIS SEEN ROAMING STREETS Martial arts legend makes appearence. Steven Seagal proposes team-up. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR: Dear 47, Why aren't you a consig yet? Your friend, Rogers Dear Rogers, I don't have to explain myself to you. Shut up and get back to work. -47 Dear 47, How did you get to be so awesome? Signed, The Saint Dear The Saint, Drugs. Illegal, hardcore drugs. -47 Dear 47, If I have some random bullshit to report, will you print it? Love, Narc Dear Narc, Here, we call that news. If you, or any member of the community have a semi-legitimate news story, send it to The Mafia Weekly, so we can print it and take credit for it. -47 |
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Pure and utter Genius lies within these sheets! And the paper's good too! Kevin gets out of bed, puts the paper away, and goes back to work. |
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| Reply by: Kevin_Leman at May 24, '08 18:19 | |
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| A very interesting read indeed, be interesting also to see if The Mafia Tribune can match this. | |
| Reply by: Grimey at May 24, '08 18:24 | |
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| Semi-factual news is right! It was totally a Wednesday otherwise great issue! | |
| Reply by: Major_Jerkovski at May 24, '08 20:11 | |
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To give you an update on my harem. We are all doing very well underground, re population is going slowly but I am dedicated and continuing to persevere. I am doing a service to all mankind really. Nothing selfish about it at all. |
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| Reply by: CommodumPerfectus at May 24, '08 23:59 | |
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Sal reads: EYZLEE TO WED BAT-BOY! Bat-boy's mother: "He's too good for her." Wedding date set in cave, at night. "What does he have that I don't?" *big sadface* |
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| Reply by: Sal_Giaquinto at May 25, '08 01:47 | |
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Oh no! Eyzlee exclaimed as she read the Mafia Weekly at the Fire and Ice bar in Vegas. Jean come over here and look at this. She tried waving her business partner over, but it seemed he was a little to busy with one of the dancers. Eyzlee wished she hadn't even looked towards them now. This seems to always happen to my bloodline. Being set up on blind weddings.... Eyzlee said to herself with a slight frown. Well whoever this bat-boy is he better be sexy! |
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| Reply by: Eyzlee at May 25, '08 02:47 | |
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Yes, it's a miracle. I woke up and now I'm hungry. Where is the closest orphanage I could go for a toddler right about now? I haven't eaten in MONTHS. |
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| Reply by: Mary_Livermore at May 25, '08 10:56 | |
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| How come my letters to you never get printed in the paper? Too erotic? | |
| Reply by: Dirty_Henry_Jung at May 25, '08 11:06 | |
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Legal notice: As you are all criminals, you can't sue me. -47 |
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| Reply by: Mr_47 at May 25, '08 11:33 | |
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| I'd marry you, Mr_47. Oh wait, you said sue. Nevermind. | |
| Reply by: Kevin_Leman at May 25, '08 11:54 | |
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Don't think I didn't pick up on that "Everyone is a Don" crack, Mr 47. I see through your lies...into even deeper lies. |
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| Reply by: Numbers4Glory at May 25, '08 12:00 | |
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*Shocked himself by readin the whole thing* Was a entertaining read keep up the good work! |
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| Reply by: Hoffa at May 25, '08 13:09 | |
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Laughing as her reads the paper The news just gets more entertaining everyday where does 47 come up with this. |
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| Reply by: Ricardo at May 25, '08 22:28 | |
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Yes that consig/don joke... They say in every joke there is some truth. Obviously it is true that he is not a Don yet. But could there be a mental problem from stopping him reach it? Is this the way he's trying to deal with his dissappointment from not being a Don yet? Perhaps an interview with Mr_47 would give us the inns and outs of why he's not a Don yet... Curious curious... As I am just a humble goomba I could be way off ofcourse. Could a pshychiatrist please comment? Did I mention he is not a Don yet? |
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| Reply by: Sonrisa at May 26, '08 04:00 | |
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| I don't even want to be Don, so yeah. | |
| Reply by: Numbers4Glory at May 26, '08 09:08 | |
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| I have a tape of Deviant's shooting. I can tell you there was definitely a second shooter... either that or they used some sort of double barrelled dr. seuss gun; we can't be sure yet. | |
| Reply by: Mayor_McCheese at May 26, '08 22:56 | |
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