EmperorSao is seen exiting the HQ of the Morningwood Elite on a fine New York evening. He's not dressed in his usual suit and tie, but in a pair of worn jeans and a white t-shirt that reads "I <3 Octopi". His face even looks a little off today, like it's a skin mask trying to conceal what's underneath. As he walked the streets toward his destination, he noticed LongLeggedLarry squatting in a dark alley. He wasn't quite sure what he was up to, probably searching for flies again, considering the amount of aluminum trashcans that lined the alley itself. 

Sao moves on towards the street corner he was headed to. Strange how there was always a soapbox to stand on when he needed it. There also always seems to be a crowd waiting for people to speak to. It's strange, but a topic for another time. Sao had something on his mind that he had to talk to the masses about. He hops up on the soapbox and tries to get the crowds attention.

Good evening everyone. My name is Sao, and I'm an emperor of sorts. I'm sure plenty of you have seen, and even spoken to me in the coffee shops, as I am a frequent visitor. If you've spoken with me there, you know that I happen to be a huge fan of octopi. Spike has even begun spreading rumors that I myself am an octopus. This is nonsense, obviously. I am an incredibly handsome human male, as you all can see. However, I did want to come out here and share a few fun facts about octopi with you all. You're going to love them as much as I do, I assure you.

1) Octopi have not one, not two, but three hearts. Two of them pump blood to its gills, and a third heart keeps circulation flowing to the organs. This third heart stops every time the octopus is swimming, which may explain why they prefer to crawl.

2) It used to be thought that only vertebrates were smart enough to use objects as tools. Not so: some octopi have been observed hoarding two halves of a coconut shell, which they carry around like a mobile home and assemble together when needed. Aquarium staff probably aren’t so surprised. Octopi in captivity regularly solve puzzles, open jars, navigate obstacle courses, and even find cheeky ways to escape their tanks.

3) Their ink is not only used to confuse their predators, or hinder their vision and sense of smell. The ink is also used in a more direct line of defense. Predators that breathe the ink in through their gills end up "choking" and potentially dying.

Okay, so maybe there aren't a whole lot of fun facts about octopi, no matter how amazing they are. So really all I've got left is umm...

With a body length of about 20 centimeters, the bullfrog is the largest frog in North America, as well as the champion jumper.

I will now be taking questions about octopi, and octopi only.

I was walking around the neighborhood when I notice there is a crowd surrounding a cute fella standing on top of a shoebox. So I think "Hmm, this seems interesting, I guess I'll listen to the topic". As I approached the crowd.

The more I listen, the more I get intrigued about octopi. Besides gaining knowledge about the critter, I can't help but wonder "Wow, this guy really likes Octopi huh". So as soon as he's opening the floor for questions, I took my chance.

"Hellow hellow, lovely day for it? I love your lecture just now about Octopi's fun fact. Pretty educational! Is it alright if I ask why do you like Octopi so much? What makes you intrigued to these critters? Is it perhaps because you're an oct- no, sorry, you can't be. Surely you're a man forget what I said earlier. But yeah, what's with you and Octopi? Sorry in advance if I sounded rude."  I give him a warm smile.

"Also, since I take it that you're an expert about Octopi. I do wonder can octopi recognize individual humans or other animals? How do octopi communicate with each other, if at all? Are octopi capable of learning, and if so, what kinds of tasks have they been observed learning? I am interested to learn more about Octopi now thanks to you!" 

Recently, EmperorSao may be failing to convince the world that he is, in fact, not an octopus. Or at least he may not be on the surface, but underneath he might be brainwashed by one...or putting on a rather perfect disguise.

I've come across some information that seems to poke a giant hole in this question we've all otherwise been asking. I'll read off the telegrams here:

<EmperorSao[MR]> 🐙🐙

<EmperorSao[MR]> Splish splash

*Ivy[MR] pushes Sao into a bath

<EmperorSao[MR]> I’m an octopus. I live in a bath.

<EmperorSao[MR]> For instance, I just created #octopusenclosure

<EmperorSao[MR]> You all are free to join me in my enclosure​​​​​​

<EmperorSao[MR]> It’s simply a place to watch me in all my octopusness

Could EmperorSao be secretly brainwashed by octopi? Or is he truly an ACTUAL octopus, hiding behind the facade of a man? I would have investigated further, but this chicken parm was more important.

I want an official statement on the matter here, cameras at the ready. PROVE to us that you are not, in fact, an octopi, or octo-man, or octo-person, or whatever the hell you truly are...

Sao looks around to the man in the strange mask making crazy accusations about him. These rumors have become pretty ridiculous. Many people coming out of the woodwork to lob accusations Sao’s way. 
 

I’m sorry, good sir, but I cannot address the accusations at this time. You will have to wait in a statement from my attorney. 

Larry jumps over. It was incredible the way he jumped. Everyone assumed he was named the champion jumper. They were correct.

He ribbits.

As everyone here knows I am a frog of impeccable character. I consider myself a keen observer of all things aquatic. As the official legal representation for EmperorSao I can attest that he is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, a bona fide octopus.

I can say that I have, first hand, witnessed his octopuss-ness. He has exhibited the requisite eight arms, an impressive camouflage capability, and other common hallmarks of a cephalopod.

I must insist, as his representation, that you cease any further allegations that my client is not, indeed, an octopus. Further public comment to the contrary would be baseless, and tantamount to aquatic defamation.

I must demand that these claims be retracted and EmperorSao's reputation be restored to it's former luster. Please be cautious about further comments regarding the his legitimacy.

I can be reached anytime you have any questions.

Larry hands PlagueDoctor a business card.

Down at the Lodge we've all been referring to him as a squid. How do we know he's not a squid? He kind of smells like calamari, after it's been sitting out in the hot sun for a long time. I demand proof that EmperorSao is not a squid.

I second Willie_G_Skull's request for proof. We the people want answers. How betrayed we would all be if we find out he's a squid. The amount of let down and disappointment would be truly unbearable. But if he proves himself, it would be a step in the right direction of confirming his octopus like qualities. We must get to the bottom of this! 

Larry puts his arms up to the gathering crowd in a reassuring way.

Calm down, calm down. I understand your concerns regarding his potential to be a squid. Now, I myself can attest that it is not the case- however I may have overlooked that you have not seen or heard the things I have. Perhaps I can speak to my client and we can come up with a display or demonstration of sorts to settle this once and for all.

Larry hands out his business card to Willie_G_Skull and Foulplay as well.

I will see what I can do.

You look at the business card:

Long Legged Larry
 

Attorney At Law / Guard Frog / Champion Jumper / Length of About 20cm

 

"I don't have a frog in this fight!"

I'm just saying, if I were a squid, and found myself surrounded by a bunch of hungry Italians, I wouldn't want them to know that I was basically walking calamari. I would pretend to be an octopus, too. I might even make a big public display of it, just to snuff out any future contemplation that I might be anything other than an octopus.

Ha ha, charade you are, EmperorSao. I have sniffed out your game. Get the lemon and the salt and pepper, boys.

Don’t rule out the southern Italians either! They eat octopus all the time alongside squids.

Honestly, calamari sounds pretty good right about now. Considering we have EmperorSao saying he’s a man, yet his representative saying he’s a squid, that doesn’t sound like the greatest teamwork. Maybe he is a squid after all.

Are you a liar, EmperorSao? You can’t hide the fact you may be missing two of the legs you claim to otherwise NOT have. WE WANT ANSWERS!

LongLeggedLarry is a frog. Should we really be taking advice or information from a frog on whether someone is or isn’t a squid?

EmperorSao aka Tentadaddy Sao is indeed an octopus. Have you seen his aquatic acrobatics with his eight powerful arms? He doesn’t have two extra tentacles. Tentadaddy Sao can also change color if needed. He is very full of ink, much like squids… but by no means is he a squid. He has suckers all over him, and he knows how to use them on his prey.

We must protect him from the grill.