A TRAGIC BEGINNING FOR JOHN_FAREHAMSTER

I set foot on these streets and look around me. I see a friendly soul and try to strike up a conversation with them, and thus we begin talking. We talk about typical subjects like the latest purgings, or a recent street speech that had no attendance, we even talk about the good old days when earnings competitions were still a common and celebrated practice throughout the mob, a cornerstone of our unifying culture and unity. They ask me my name. I say "John_Farehamster". Instead of the favor being returned and learning the name of my conversation partner, I am met with a look containing a peculiar mix of disgust, pity, annoyance and even slight astonishment as if starstruck.

I think nothing of it and continue my day. It is time for young John_Farehamster to look for work, who else to ask for work other than renowned mobster RufusWatchdog? Few have managed to attain the notoriety that comes with being a "category 75" mobster. Who would be a better teacher for young John_Farehamster than he? I petition him in person but my words fall on deaf ears. I am promptly shown the door and my future telegrams are refused. What have I ever done to this man-dog? The only words he ever gave me were "knows", and "hi kuku".

Word quickly spreads and nobody wishes to employ me. I hear venomous whispers of "kuku" and "gerbil" all around me.

WHY?

The only conclusion I can draw is that my name has become poisoned, that it has gotten so bad that it is as if the world is convinced I exude somekind of bad energy. As if I'm radioactive and people are afraid mere contact with me will somehow result in their downfall.

I ask all of you bluntly: Why? Do I glow in the dark?

SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT, FAREHAM IS NOT KUKU

Rumor has it that I am somehow related to Kuku. This is complete and utter horseshit that only the most rumourmongering, low IQ, uninformed, gossiping, uneducated, mouthbreathing, preposterous, degenerate, lobster-ravioli devouring, drooling, smooth-brained glue-sniffing of mobsters would ever entertain the thought of.

I say to thee: thou areth wrongeth.

The Fareham lineage is separate from Kuku. Technically it is true that we share some of the same blood in what was the result of a passionate night many generations ago, causing our family trees to intersect, but that was purely accidental in nature and not something to attach any significance to (I will not go into detail on this incident as it is horribly obscene and a stain on my otherwise pristine pedigree).

We all know that, with the seemingly endless amounts of descendants that pop up nearly every day, that Kuku is something like a modern day Genghis Khan of the western world. I am sure that, as is the case with Genghis Khan, that if society at large were to undergo DNA testing that for all of us at least some percentage of our genetic makeup descends from a Kuku many generations prior.

In a way, we are all Kuku. And consequently, none of us really are.

Thank you. Please send me money.

This is pretty depressing, my dude. 

I don't see the point of this gobbledegoop. 

That said, we can all rally around Joseph_Ligambi being the King of the Streets. He's an honest individual, and charitable to all. 

Thank you. 

Spike, the point is that by virtue of my unfortunate name alone I am exiled from civilised society.

Thus I have to clear my name and set the record straight. What is difficult to understand about that?

And how is this leader of the streets business related to me?

Do I really glow in the dark?

Is it a question of money?

There are many more questions on my mind.

I have 5 million dollars in cold hard cash for whoever has proof of who killed my father (confirmed by a second witness).

As someone with incredibly long legs, and a body length of about 20cm I can say with incredible accuracy that you do not have $5,000,000 for anything.

LongLeggedLarry what do you even know about Fareham, son? Very little I'd wager. We are strangers and have had no prior run-ins.

I'm willing to bet 5 million dollars that you don't even know the tragic tale of the Fareham War.

Why don't you send me $5,000,000 to prove you can? If you send that to me I'll happily publicly state that I was incorrect about my previous statement, and then promptly hand it back to you.

LongLeggedLarry, I'd appreciate it if you took up Willie's most generous offer and loaned me the 5 million dollars I need. I have another 5 million dollars at the ready to send to you, to be promptly returned again to me, but I am still in negotiation with Teyla for her to oversee these transactions to make sure someone doesn't run off with MY money pretending they were tips for unattended street threads, or making up some kind of fib about them paying off "a debt" that isn't on the Fareham name.

You can just put it on the tab, son.

I don't make it a habit of loaning money to a family line known the world over for swindling and not paying their debts.

So I will simply assume you do not have the money, as I did before I made my generous offer to help clear your name.

Rufuswatchdog I am paying for ANSWERS, not more questions. We already have enough questions already as is and there isn't a single Mafia Journalist in sight to answer any of them. What happened to the 6 concurrent mafia newspapers we had a while ago?

LongLeggedLarry, the ball is in your crew leader's court. If she answers her mail we can settle this. Do not make assumptions before then, especially not if it's someone in your camp holding up the proceedings, for flying fuck's sake.

I'd also like to make it publically known that I am accepting donations starting at 4,999,999 dollars. Thank you.

I would like to extend my heartfelt thanks to LongLeggedLarry for donating 4,999,999 American Dollars to me, allowing me to graze in Willie_G_Skull's pastures after I in turn forwarded the money to him.

It's been a lengthy process of negotiations but me and Willie have reached mutually agreed upon, legally binding terms for my employment. Favourable terms for me, I should add. Terms I can live with. Terms that respect my aristocratic pedigree.

When none would offer Fareham a home, Willie did (after payment of 5 million dollars).