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| The Mafia Weekly Issue 4, Volume 1 | Started by: Mr_47 on May 30, '08 16:59 |
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Note from the Editor/Publisher/Reporter/Writer: Holy shit. We did it. Four damn issues in a row. Weekly, by damn. I think that solidly defeats the Tribune's record of one issue in a row. Hahahahahaha. I kid. I love the Tribune. Without it, my birdcage would be solidly unlined. What I'm saying here is that the Tribune sucks. And whose fault is it? Yours. Unless you're Numbers4Glory, in which case, I'm sorry it didn't work out. Seriously. Numbers offered you an ungodly amount of money to come up with something. Anything. And, he got... nothing. So now, you have to read this rag. I'd line my birdcage with it, but, as a product of 47 Enterprises, this paper is extremely flammable. Something to do with the cheap paper. Also, it's toxic. I know, I get a dozen phone calls a week from our factory in Lower Uzbekolia telling me that the children who make the paper have fallen ill again. So, don't smoke while you read it and don't eat it. Keep it away from children and pets, too. That being said, enjoy this week's edition. ALFONZO DIES IN BALLSY DAYLIGHT ASSASSINATION! Numbers4Glory looking for blood stain remover Notorious underworld leader Alfonzo was assassinated outside a pharmacy in midtown earlier this week. He had stopped to buy some cream for anal warts when witnesses say Numbers4Glory, another high ranking underworld figure, stepped out of the shadows, kicked him in the balls, shot him in the face six times, reloaded, shot him in the chest six more times, then kicked him in the balls again. Police are calling the death of Alfonzo an accident. When Numbers was asked about the shooting, he fully admitted to it, then addressed an envelope full of cash to the district attorney. Alfonzo was evidently gunned down for various reasons, among these, his choice of right hand man. ALFONZO'S CREW MASSACRED One crew member kicked to death! Around the same time Alfonzo was being murdered, his crew faced a similar fate. His right hand man, The_Wolf, was reportedly kicked in the balls until he died. Witnesses say that no fewer than three men took turns kicking The_Wolf in the man tonsils for no less than two hours, after which, tired, the second shift came in, and began kicking him in the mangerines until he finally gave up the ghost. Meanwhile, the other high rankers of the crew were systematically executed around the country. Some were pushed from windows, others simply shot. Police are calling their deaths "odd coincidences" and say that most of the crew members died of "natural causes". VIVA LAS VEGAS! Sin City set to become "Blood City" In a shocking move, crewleaders have opened Las Vegas to any would-be crewleaders in the criminal community. They are to set up an HQ in the fabled city, then fight amongst themselves for the position of crewleader. Who will take the bait? How should I know? I'm not doing it. I already have a crew. In Chicago. It's a nice place, really. RHUARC IS A WEREWOLF!! Strange, but semi-true Rhuarc, the newest leader in the criminal world, is actually a werewolf. When the moon is full, he changes into a strange half man, half wolf creature that preys upon the innocent. In related news, his crew has purchased a razor factory. Here's a tip for those of you who are afraid: buy silver bullets. Also, white wine will remove red wine stains. You can use a potato, cut in half, to remove a broken light bulb. Another helpful hint, keep a box of baking soda handy. It makes a good toothpaste, antacid, and it keeps your refigerator smelling fresh. Letters to 47: Dear 47, kin i joyn ur cru? Dear Fucking Idiot, Yes you can. Be aware that the last words you hear will be from me, saying "I hope your descendants aren't as stupid as you. Practice literacy." Then, you'll hear a loud bang and you'll be forever a part of the crew. Dear 47, giv me ur muneez. Dear Red Narc, No. |
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Now you tell me this shit is toxic! I've been using the past two issues as bathroom tissue. I divorced my wife for thinking she cheated on me and gave me herpies! Come to find out it was your paper all along. *walks away scratching his booty* |
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| Reply by: Tyrant at May 30, '08 17:20 | |
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| Nice paper mate, keep up the good work. | |
| Reply by: Monkey at May 30, '08 20:08 | |
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Although it wasnt Anal warts.. it was the clapp.. Good issue sir.. good issue. |
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| Reply by: Striphe at May 31, '08 04:12 | |
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| I laughed, I cried, and I shot Striphe ..... Great Issue mates | |
| Reply by: Vincent_Capone_II at May 31, '08 05:15 | |
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I have to say, I'm very impressed with this newspaper. Anyone interested in hearing the unbiased truth about what's going on in our world today, this is a must read. Jessie goes to wash her hands with turpentine |
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| Reply by: Jessie at May 31, '08 05:26 | |
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That letter I wrote to you came from the heart, boss. From the heart. I am very saddened by the fact that you decided to publish it. **Narc, with a single tear rolling down his cheek, turns and runs away** |
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| Reply by: The_Red_Narc at May 31, '08 09:39 | |
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| I just felt my brain cells increased by ten after reading this issue. | |
| Reply by: Blank at May 31, '08 11:00 | |
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| Something about this paper looks familiar. I can't quite put my finger on it, though. | |
| Reply by: The_Saint at May 31, '08 19:10 | |
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You enjoy your dominance of the media for now, it won't last. Even if I have to resurrect the Philly Sun to do it. |
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| Reply by: Numbers4Glory at May 31, '08 19:39 | |
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| No wonder Rockey died :( I'll see you in court SIRRAH! | |
| Reply by: Nightmare at Jun 02, '08 19:24 | |
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