Ladies and Gentleman, Invited guests, We are here today to celebrate the life and times of Chicago Godfather JesseJames.  Sadly, I don’t know this man very well.  It seems that over the course of the many many generations that this man has been kicking around this thing of ours, he has made pretty much no friends, and so I, a virtual stranger to him, ended up being the best choice for Right Hand.  Regardless of how I obtained this position, in the last several weeks working closely with JesseJames I have learned one thing about the man.  He has a fun and playful sense of humor.  To honor him, on this special day, the city of Chicago has decided to skip the usual contests games and prizes, and spend some time getting to know more about the man himself. 

Welcome to the Roast of JesseJames.  I present to you, our first honored speaker. 

As it should be.

I think it's a misconception that JesseJames doesn't have many friends. Many of us consider him our friend. It's our respect he doesn't have. I have to be honest, when Eve first told me about a roast of JesseJames I wondered why we wouldn't do something different for him on his big day rather than doing the same thing we do nightly in the coffee shops. I guess JJ just doesn't like getting outside his comfort zone. Which is why he's most often found manning a glory hole in the bathroom of a rest stop.

Not everyone is aware of this but JesseJames is a Texan...which means he's Mexican. I'm not going to get too deep into that because those jokes just write themselves but it does explain why he can't cross a river using a bridge. I mean when Eve decided the Cheese Syndicate Compound needed additional security and had a mote built, JJ immediately jumped in and swam across it.

And I'm not saying the JJ is fat but border patrol stopped him once because they couldn't figure out if he had jumped the wall to illegally cross the border or if he was trying to smuggle the border wall under his shirt. They say shit rolls downhill but I've found that JJ rolls everywhere he goes.

But physique isn't everything. JJ has many other great qualities. Like he makes an excellent right hand ma.....nevermind.

He's a very thoughtful person. Like not having an anniversary and forcing me to think up this horse shit on Christmas da.....forget that.

He's a great organization builder who's managed to attract to his city sparkling personalities and tireless workers like Dominus and Rapto.....yeah...skip that too.

Well he has a great girlfriend. And I tell her that every time I go back to my bedroom. So that's something.

At this point I think it's time to end the inside jokes that no one will find funny, even those on the inside, and say that it JJ really is a great guy and he's done somewhat better than any of us ever thought he would. He holds the respect and friendship of not just those around him but some of the most popular and influential people in this thing of ours and that speaks volumes about the man. Congratulations on bumbling your way to this anniversary and may you have many more to come. Cheers.

<Blutarsky raises his glass and chugs

people say Jesse is over the hill... he'll never be over the hill. not in the car he drives! he has the grace of an swan, the wisdom of an owl, and the eyes of an eagle. ladies and gentlemen this man is for the birds! he's well known for being a vegetarian. he maybe a vegetation but he's full of bologna in my book!

Jesse, you have a lot of well wishers in here tonight. and a lot of them would like to throw you down one as well! Jesse has a beautiful face, like a flower. ya like a cauliflower!

as you can see he has wavy hair. it's waving goodbye because he's going bald! now i think Jesse should join the klu klux klan. not because he's racist, he's not. but because he's look better with a hood over his face! 

i hear you have hair on your chest Jesse. but that’s not your only resemblance to rin tintin. you have a dog face! but there are times when Jesse has something on his mind. what he wears a hat! 

Jesse is not very worldly. he thinks the English channel is a British TV channel and not a body of water separating England and France.

Jesse is a huge sports fan. i took him to a ball game and he came toting a double barrel shot gun. i said, 'what the H is that for?' and bob said 'because the lions are playing the tigers!'

Congrats JesseJames You have been around since my father's father's have been around which Is really saying something!Keep it up Man looking forward to seeing what comes next Its always some thing new and Odd Like the howard stern show:)

JackPepper steps up the the mic

Thank you EveValon for having us all here tonight. Tonight we honor a man who getting old in this thing of ours but we respect him all the same. Many of us have heard the tales of old Jesse(The Mexican)James. A man who would be late to his own funeral if he didn't have a chauffeur. But his promptness aside this man has been around and seen some things we only hear about reading journals of our fallen ancestors. That's what I'd like to share with you all today. A short but sweet excerpt from the journal of my great great ect. Grandfather.

There is a bloodline out there who, if following in the footsteps of his father's has his day coming soon. JesseJames, son of Mr-Incredible, son of JesseJames. JesseJames lost his life and his son rose to the occasion to pick up the pieces and carry on the traditions set forth by a linage who many have heard of but not many know. Until the day came when Mr-Incredible lost his life by a wicked gun malfunction. There were some who mourned his death but others sought out to hunt his group of unemployed bodyguards. Will his son be next?

To some of you that means nothing, but to others who have read of such times in the journals of their lineage they know that like many a man that week they waited 14 days after the man we now call the Godfather of Chicago, JesseJames, emerged from the shadows. Mr-Incredible died 2 weeks after his father. Was Jesse doomed to the same fate? would they all start to seek out to find his entourage and hunt them as we did his father's? No Jesse made it out alive. He has seen the face of adversity and flipped it the bird.

All jokes aside I stand in awe of the accomplishments of JesseJames. I've gotten to know him some in my short time here and I am privileged to be working in his city.

Congratulations Jesse! Clean your gun and keep it oiled!

JesseJames congratulations on reaching this momentous occasion. To reach such a milestone is truly an achievement worth bragging about. So seriously shut up we get it, you are old! I understand some of your bloodline had a rough history with gun malfunctions. It was some real dumb luck….key word "dumb." Good to see you have developed the necessary brain cells to handle a gun properly unlike your forefathers. I was told to come here today to say some nice things about you and I jumped to the chance. But then I realised I don't know you that well. If we are not discussing the pros and cons of Aussie women and then other races women then we are not talking at all. I wanna say you have been an amazing friend and all people should look up to you as an example of what they should wish to achieve when entering this world. I really do wanna say that. But I won't. What I will say is when I first came to these shores to work in Chicago then shortly followed by New York I had heard a few things about you from people walking by. Some of the many words that followed your name in conversation were: tyrant, warmonger, berserker, prick, crybaby, nuisance, perv, perv, perv and once, though I firmly believe this gentleman was drunk and not aware of what he was saying, "Yea he is alright." This gentleman was soon found dead in a river, who saw that coming?

As I rose up in New York I noticed another man making his way up in Chicago leaving behind numerous well relieved people. It became evident that Jesse had a true skill with his mouth……as is evident by his street presence of course. Kudos to Jesse for being able to handle it as Right Hand Man to Roman. A man of such girth I am sure would have been a challenge but Jesse faced it head on. Rumour has it that if Roman had not kept Jesse on his leash many more bodies would have followed the Roman Empire(refer back to warmonger)

The day you ascended to the rank of godfather in Chicago…..ascended? More like tripped and fell into it while everyone cringed as they saw it happening. Anyway that day was a definite game changer. So instead of having the wonderful, the awesome, the ever lovable SexyBeast…..we had you. I am a strong believer that the Gods like to fuck with people for their own enjoyment and on that day I believe everyone country wide got rammed with the strength of a thousand men.

As with anything we must accept the fact it happened and move on. It always brought a smile to my face to hear all the people accuse you of being a tyrant and ruling the Godfather council from behind the scene. Come on people think seriously. It isn't like us other city leaders pay Jesse 3.250mil in protection money every Thursday and for every hour that we a late in payment we get charged a 500k fine until we are exactly one day late which is followed by our body floating in the nearby river. That would be absolutely preposterous.

Jesse it has always been a pleasure to deal with you and makes me happy to see we mostly have the same mind set when it comes to this place. Seeing you reach your one year milestone only emphasises how old I am getting. Only two people older than me and I want it to stay that way. God knows how ladygaga feels. So don't get over excited when you see the Aussie girls I have sent to you for a birthday present. Stay calm and breath steady. Don't want to over exert your heart buddy.

Once again, congrats mate. All the best.

Jordan walks up to EveValon as she joins the party.

I didn’t know you were practically a stranger when our Godfather made you his Right Hand. What in the hell is wrong with that guy? Doesn’t he know a Thug who’s been around for less than five minutes should be his Right Hand? How dare he break tradition!   

A waiter walks past with a tray and Jordan grabs a glass of champagne.

My biggest complaint about the old man is he hasn’t let us kill everyone. I thought his name was Jesse “Success! Dat bum's swimmin with da fishes.” James. Come on, man! Let us live a little by killing a lot, pretty please.

Jordan smiles innocently and raises her glass.

Congratulations on your one year anniversary, JJ.

Clarity made her way over to this "roast". To her a roast was cooking food and such, but today it was a different story. She was here to "roast" her beloved Godfather. She glanced around and then looked over towards JesseJames. She feared his wrath, but she took a big gulp and swallowed her fear.

Taking a few steps forward she cleared her throat and began to respond to those around her.

"You know, boys. I always thought JesseJames was from Cuba. I thought he had swam here and traveled the distance to be where he is today."

Pausing a moment she took out a map and found Cuba, since JesseJames probably had no clue as to where it was on the world.

"Perhaps, this is why our, oh so lovely, leader is such a womanizer. It has stumped me from day one how he has all these woman just knocking on his door."

"Is it his looks? Hardly, even Rathbone is better looking than him!"

"Is it his personality? Don't make me laugh! He is beyond arrogant, has to have things his way or the highway, and yells at you if you dare to be mean to him!"

"Is it his power? Well, as you can see now, he barely uses it so that wouldn't benefit them!"

"Could it be his money? He seems to enjoy cheap dates, so I doubt he would go for a woman like that."

"I just can't figure it out! He goes around kissing girls like it is no big deal! This just stumps me. I've watched him kiss a lady named Tita, a gal named Leela, and a woman named Eve! He even dared to kiss me, but got a boot up the ass for it! Beware, other women out here! This is your warning! If you see him coming, don't bend down to talk to him or he will kiss you, and the cold sores really suck."

Clarity stopped and then whispered her next few words.

"Granted, I know quite a few would jump for joy if he kissed them. What high standards they have, eh?" 

Then stopping and smiling at JesseJames, Clarity raised her drink.

"Either way, no matter what you do, you're still a great leader...even if I think you enjoy the woman kind too much! Congratulations, my dear. Happy 1 year!"

After listening to Clarity roast the Godfather of Chicago, Rathbone claps, then makes his way to the podium. 

Ladies and gentlemen...give Clarity a hand, just as she gives JesseJames one on a nightly basis. That is how one gets auth'd under him in Chicago right?  

Rathbone cringes uncomfortably as he looks over towards Clarity, then continues.

But we're not here to roast every lady in Jesse's life...that would take way too long. Instead we're here to say a few things about our birthday boy. I mean, one year is a long time around these parts. ONE YEAR. Amazing. Not so much that he's lived this long, but that one of his bloodline hasn't been banned for duping, scripting or insulting the admins yet. That is really impressive!

Seriously though, My ancestors have known Jesse's ancestors for over seven years now. There's even an entry in one of my ancestors journals about working with Jesse's relatives when he was just learning to use his gun. Now look at him: Jesse "That Bum's Swimmin' With Da Fishes" James. Anyone else surprised his nickname isn't; Jesse "That Speech In the Streets Was So Well Spoken" James didn't catch on too? Anyone?

Rathbone looks around nervously and pulls on his collar a bit.

Nah, Jesse knows I'm just joking. The two of us are old friends and we all know how good Jesse is to his friends. He's the type that will stand beside you through thick or thin, so long as he's not your Right Hand Man when a massive war breaks out.

Rathbone grins nervously, looking for a gun pointed at him in the crowd. After a few seconds he continues.

In all honesty, JesseJames, I love you as much as one heterosexual man can love another man. I assume you are heterosexual as well, though you do have to wonder about a guy whose favorite football teams mascot is named after another man. Seriously though, you and yours have always been there for myself and my ancestors. We've shared in so many lost causes and we've had loads of laughs and I appreciate every bit of it. Happy One Year, my friend! Let's hope the gods forget that JesseJames is actually in charge of a city for another year and that we are all around to share in a few laughs this time next year.

Rathbone raises his glass, smiles, then walks off.

D_D steps forward raises her glass looking around

I feel a bit out of place among all big wigs , but i would love to add in a few words of my own .

I haven't known Godfather JJ for a long time but only a great guy like him can give a girl new and lost in this world a chance to be part of his crew .

My mother knew JJ he helped her when she was around and now he helped me start off when i approached him.

I want to toast JJ for his acheivement and wish him good luck for the future .

Considering I roast you every single day of the year, today I'll give you a break!

Just here to tell you how proud I am of you, Jesse. Who would ever imagine that the little brat I had to kill and demote so many times years and years ago, would nowadays not only be a Godfather but also be the most powerful dick...I mean mobster.. to walk around.

That little brat of a guy that refused to be a hitter under a girl, that didn't accept being told what to do by me. That same brat that was always trying to pick fights with everyone, the day simply wasn't the same if you didn't manage to piss someone off. It was so hard to manage you everyday!!

Through these many years that I've know you, you have changed and learned so much Jesse, or at least you already learned not to fight with me, cause I always win, you buttface!:D

I'm sorry that I'm not able to be there for you, but you know I'm always rooting for you. Keep on your path, no matter what others will say, keep doing your thing. Grab your power and make your stay unique, fight for the things you want, change whatever you want, kill them bitches (apart from that person!! or imma freaking kill you LOL!) as much as you want because this is the best opportunity anyone could have to do absolutely as they wish.

Congrats you big donut!

Dont know about yourselves, but I am a traditionalist, I enjoy a good Turkey roast at Christmas!!

Anyone happy birthday JesseJames and bring on the next year!!!

Firstly, I want to congratulate you JesseJames. You've reached the point in your life where every little thing becomes harder and harder to do. I don't mean the easy stuff, like shooting people or planning wars... I mean the difficult stuff like pulling your socks on and wiping your arse!

Before now, my family line had rather little to do with yours. The main reason is that my family line hasn't been walking these streets for all that long since returning from a long spell working legitimate jobs. I do hold a couple of moments that we've shared, close to my heart. My grandfather used to work in New York as a leader, he told me of a particular moment he shared with you all those months ago... You decided to prey upon the pockets of my left hand man at the time, looking for an easy $5,000. However, his skills were a little more than you expected and he walked away with a cool $7,000,000 in his back pocket. Your mail to my grandfather contained some colorful language, I can just imagine how happy you were! Seen as we all know you aren't one to express anger :p

Another moment I hold close is our discussion regarding wrapping paper, and how good bad we both are. I never tried to gift wrap a bicycle, maybe you shouldn't have bothered either, judging by your own verdict on the quality ripped paper! My tip still stands though big man, tinfoil is where it's at!

Mishaps aside, you have a good heart somewhere deep inside. You just keep doing what you're doing (not the touching though, I've changed), you're certainly doing your city proud.

I'm not gonna go into semantics with you JesseJames, we have had a long road of a friendship. Our ups and our downs, our good and our bad.

To this day I still feel very happy to call you my friend, and I'm not going to publicly start listing off the good and the bad times just so we can go out back later and make beat the shit out of each other, As I can already tell you will be spending the next week reading these roasts and digesting them!

So to end my roast on a good note you're still a fucking queer and you need to get your shit together 'little' man. I'm sure we will have plenty of time to make fun of each other much more down the road as well.

Have a good fucking merry christmas and a fucking happy new year ya douche!

Good day Godfather JessyJames, i hope you are well...

i dont think our bloodlines ever crossed paths, there is very little i know about you. But your city seems to be doing great so far, this tells me that you are doing a great job. I hope you are taking these times to be with your family and friends. I know how much work leading a whole city can be and time is probably a precious thing for you. I wish you the best of times, not only you will continue in making your city a great one but also i can see the love some of your people are sharing here today.

This can only be evidence of a true and awesome Leader. Congratulations Godfather, it is clear to me that milestones will be reached from this day and on.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Dirt is old and so are you. :-)

Sir James, congratulations on your longevity and your success. Continue to eat right, take sulfur baths and remember the regular colonoscopy!

Lotta strolls up to the mic, late as usual

As you all know, Jesse has reached a milestone. I heard a rumor that the headquarters of this Godfather in Chicago was up in arms the other night, the statue of Beardus sitting outside covered in cheese pizza and what I hope was sauce! I also heard that Jesse went to bed early cause he's so old. Can't stay up past 4pm these days.

In any case, old or not, Jesse has been a great asset to the city of Chicago and I whole heatedly congratulate him on reaching his year mark.

Congratulation to him,

being under others command so long, through so many wars and vendetta, and yet, surviving untill...

Then badabim badaboom, his godfather, almost overnight, but its jsut that times flys and we cannot ignore the tremendous time and hours of work, dedication, loyalty and surviving skill.

I respect this man for what hes been through and building back from scratch this big city of chicago.

respect,

BSL.

Hound walks up to the podium that JJ sitting next to in his chair,and he laughs. He opens his footnotes he had written down earlier and suddenly remembers that the paper has...nothing on it.

I got nothing to say about the old fart well, nothing that hasn't already been said. Hey D_D, which JJ did your mum know? There's only like 12 JJ's. Well only one now. Lets face it, we all could only hope that he makes the same mistakes again, then we could have a new heir to the CH throne. Yet we couldn't be that lucky.

Blutarsky, Hound laughs, don't you have a poster of JJ on your wall that you dance to every night in your tutu? I mean, the only way you know that JJ rolls everywhere is if you roll with him, and the moat that was built that you both floated across to get here.. Wasn't that how the border patrol got involved? That damn missing poster that everyone put out to retrieve your asses with a whale recovery boat. Hound shakes his head as he recalls the events and the mental images that still remain.

In all seriousness though, JJ has a big heart and is a real good guy. He has been a good friend since the start and I'm pleased to say Happy One Year my man.

Yes, JackPepper gun oil works wonders.

A little late I`m afraid, for which I apologise. The merriment and liquor to which I always fall victim to at this time of year has been particularly abundant these past few days.

Well, what can I say of a man whose moral values, leadership qualities, sexual prowess and enigmatic presence are off the scale and beyond the touch of any other mortal? But enough of me.

JesseJames, a man of unbridled passion and verve, the leader of our truly great and remarkable city. One year completely wasted and down the pan some would say, others would purely remark on his constant scratching of his groin, whilst the vast majority would jump up and down waving their “Who`s a big Jesse” banner whilst openly vomiting into the rose petal laden gutters. A man for all seasons and a milestone of epic proportions said his tailor, Randy Savage.

It`s fair to say he`s come a long way from those sheltered days when as a young boy he would openly loiter outside the toilets on 3rd avenue, hoping for tenderness and understanding during his evenings out in the city with the porcelain king, Chuckle. He learned fast, and secured his first real job as an assistant to the distinguished publishers, Rimmer & Company. It was here he first tasted the trappings of success with an impromptu meeting with the then Godfather of Chicago, Roman. The Godfather`s insatiable appetite for betting on the annual dwarf tossing championship had aroused something in Jesse, something he initially denied to himself but eventually succumbed to as he gave in to the knowledge that he could easily lift and lower a dwarf in such a vigorous manner. His involvement in such events became a powerful force within his life and was unfortunately forced into early retirement due to a sporadic loss of feeling in his thighs. This became a turning point, and the lack of funds from his tossing performances resulted in his sliding into a life of crime, and the mob.

Time has passed since those early unremarkable days and we now witness the fullness of the man in all his glory and virility. I have heard mention of his.............dare I mention it.............lack of hair. This is a subject which is completely without foundation and nothing more than a fabrication of the truth. His Samson like strength is drawn from this coiled and twisted mop of magnificence. The pubic hair donated by EveValon simply accentuated it`s natural dominance and presence. Apparently she`s the correct colour, and twist.........down there. The ginger contribution which took many months to cultivate is testament to her willingness to serve the Godfather, and the city. Thank you Eve.

A man undaunted by his exclusion from the “Chicago Tenners”, a rather exclusive club made up of the luckiest men in the city who have been blessed by the good Lord with an ample girth. He constantly seeks verification of his membership application and his last request for admission did go the same way as the rest unfortunately. An early start was suggested in order to maximise the amount of daylight available for the search and sadly, the search was abandoned around midnight. I am sure we will see further similar disappointments in the coming year.

Let us all raise a glass to a man of many talents. Erm.............right then.

Congratulations Godfather JesseJames, good health, high spirits, and thank you for your continued support of the Bearderus erection lobby.