The Announcement:

Last week saw the first ever MR Olympiad, organized by the notorious for-profit organization “MR”, headed by an equally notorious and mysterious figure, Chairman Squishy.

The announcement was made by the Creative Director of MR, Ms. Kittie, in a short press conference. Not much was revealed except that they were looking for posters to be made for the upcoming event. The fact that they didn’t hire professionals for the task and let a bunch of unskilled Ruffians make the posters for the event was an interesting surprising. Yet for some reason it didn’t pull the attention of the Ruffians of MR. Or maybe they just got too busy booking their flights and bus and train tickets to reach the event on time.

A Ruffian on the condition of anonymity said “If we had any talent, why would we turn to a life of crime?” A fair point, that we could not counter.

Soon after the announcement, the crime world was abuzz with the rumors of what all this one-of-a-kind event would bring with it. Some said that all crimes will be made legal for the following week. Shattering the clouds of mystery, Kittie released a press note detailing the events and schedule of the games.

People were thrilled to know that they were going to be rewarded for the things they had been doing all this time anyway. But the rewards were not yet known. This did not dull the excitement even a bit though. The events included:

“Shooting, Volleyball, Archery, Gymnastics and Triathlon”

The Excitement:

While most of the people were busy in giving the press release a thorough read, some of the Ruffians decided to skim through the press release and started making arrangements to win the event.

We have reports about many leaders but would name only a few as we don’t get paid (bribed) enough.

When Larry long legs aka LongLeggedLarry glanced at the names of the events he frantically started making calls and ordered his people to kidnap the best Shooters, Volleyball players, Archers, swimmers and Gymnasts etc. A source who was present in his office at the time (definitely not myself), reported he had a wicket smile on his face as he put the phone down. But he lost the excitement as soon as his RHM got OffTheWall (where he hangs around all day, doing God knows what) and came inside after having thoroughly read the press note. Our confidential source (again definitely not myself) told us  that after hearing the Full news, the only thing longer than his long legs was his face. I laughed so hard and so did the man with a butt for a face aethersix.

Anyway, there are also reports that  as soon as the event was announced all the leaders ran to the market to buy drugs and steroids to enhance their performance in the event. This led to a sharp increase in the drug prices due to limited demand. Due to this, the poor people had to get by using chalk powder instead of cocaine.

One of our reporters even had the courage to walk up to a leader who was seen exiting the black market but sadly he was shot dead by a man with white powder on his face.

A conflicting report about this incident also stated that the reporter actually caught up to the leader and snatched a bag of cocaine from his arms and put his face inside the bag. According to this report, the man with white powder on his face was not the shooter but the victim.

Whatever the case may be. Even before the event actually started it had already claimed many lives and the hype was still not dying down.

The Games finally begin:

Day 1:

The day finally arrived and people found their streets filled with shooters from out of town. Wherever they went these rogue shooters shot at buildings, windows, and even walls. Rarely they also shot at people, but only by mistake. 3000 Ruffians had filled the streets and yet none of these good for nothing shooters, who were armed with the latest guns, managed to claim even a single soul. In return the native Ruffians of MR wiped out all 3000 of these out-of-town shooters within the next 3 days.

At the end of the day Ms. Kittie released a press note with three names on it. It is unclear if they were the top or bottom 3 Ruffians in the event. A source even went on to say that the names which were released were not related to the event, rather Kittie had placed a bounty on these three people. We personally believe the latter to be the truth. If they die soon then we will know.

Day 2 &3:

As if so much death and drama wasn’t enough already, the 2^nd day of the event was jinxed with guns malfunctioning. There were reports that these special guns were provided by the MR committee specially for the event to shoot at a furry little volleyball. Yes, you read it right, they dressed up a volleyball in fur, it looked cute and all.

Due to the malfunction the event that was supposed to last for 1 day was extended by another day and I personally couldn’t stand to even look at the poor little thing be shot at, let alone shoot it myself. If anyone tells you I shot at the ball they are lying. You should only trust me I am a journalist and we never lie.

We also had an anonymous source tell us that Squishy had taken this volleyball from his neighbor kid because he just wont stop playing outside and even broke a window of Squishy's house. I decided to go to his house and verify this news (because I am a good journalist) but then I remembered he has a restraining order against me.

Notably we couldn’t find a list of 3 names after the event. Maybe the performance in the event pleased Kittie and she wasn’t pissed at anyone that day, or maybe she was asleep, who knows.

Day 4:

After shooting uncountable holes in the poor Volleyball, the next event was Archery. The Ruffians of MR were filled up in a bus and taken to MR headquarters where they were provided with archery equipment and asked to kill some rats which had infiltrated the MR headquarters. At this point many Ruffians couldn’t believe it and thought maybe Squishy and Kittie were taking advantage of them by making them work as exterminators FOR FREE.

We may never know their true intentions but at the end of the day Kittie again released a list. This time 4 names on it. We suspect they are the one who complained about having to work for free and Kittie didn’t like it. After a long tiring day, they were told to go back home and were not even provided transportation.

It sounds like this Kittie wanted to take all of the mafia's time and energy and funnel it into a large scale death operation.  We need to be on the lookout for other draconian plans by her and her ilk. 

Update:

After we published the first part of the article, our office not only received threats but we also received a generous offer to discontinue with this reporting.

Hence, we would like to thank Mr./Ms. Anonymous for their handsome donation and we would like to assure them that they can go suck a thumb. We cannot be bought (That’s a lie, they just didn’t pay enough).

So, we would like to request our readers to stay tuned for the next part of the article. We have sensational secrets to uncover, some infighting, as well as some controversies. In the meantime, I have this bundle of cash that I need to spend on something (definitely not strippers).

I for one would like to stand up for our rights as American Citizens. We need our freedom of press. It is against the tyranny of evil powers that try to silence us in the night. We as a nation must come together to denounce these evil powers and put forth our courage and valor and stand up and say "you can't silence us, we worked so hard to have our freedoms and you'll have to take our lives before we give them up!"

I ask you to please keep reporting, we must shed light on this subject! 

Thank you,

Concerned American Citizen

Day 5:

The day started with the mayors of all the cities announcing that the Jailers and the Jail guards will not be shooting anybody trying to break out or break into the Jail. Yes, you read it right, people actually tried to break into the prison. Not only it was weird, it was stupid as well. Or so we thought. This day of the event saw herds of people rush to the jail in their respective cities trying to break in. (I did not break into any jail because I am not stupid. Don’t listen to the rumors Cuboyd spreads. He is a perfect cube but a liar). This was not only due to the one-time deal offered by the mayors of the respective cities, but also due to the ongoing Olympiad event. We investigated if the mayors were bribed in cash or kind for their decision to declare this particular day as a “No consequences” day. Sadly, mid-way through the investigation we ran out of money so we had to close the investigation. (We totally didn’t spend the money on coke and hookers).

Day 6:

The final day of the event came with a lot of surprises, rage, drama, and pure chaos. As everyone was preparing for the final day of the event, getting their guns and knives ready, flipping through their list of targets they were going to hit; came a shocking announcement. Chairman Squishy himself took the podium and announced that no one will be allowed the use of steroids, coke or any other performance enhancer (the other kind of performance enhancer was totally allowed though).

This led to a situation of chaos, but the Chairman had spoken so nothing could be done. We tried to investigate this issue and who better to ask other than the Chairman himself. Not only did he not give us an interview but even threw a shoe at us when we tried to nag him about the announcement. (Insane right? Usually, it’s people from the public throwing a shoe at the person on the podium). But as if that wasn’t enough, we were even slapped with a restraining order.

After this report gets published, we won’t be surprised if we get a cease-and-desist order too. But we won’t cease or desist. Because we fight for the truth. (And the truth is we weren’t paid enough bribe to not publish this.) After hitting a wall with the Chairman, we interviewed a couple of other people and one of those people (who was definitely NOT a junkie) told us that this might have been the result of the release of latest drug named “Insta”  or “Instas” which gives people insane powers.

The gentlemen could not elaborate on the alleged powers so we tried it ourselves strictly for “Research purposes”. All it did to us was that it made us sleep for 72 hours straight. The fact that we did 1kg of this new drug (again, strictly for research purposes only) may or may not have something to do with our unusually long sleep time. Some of you would say we TookTooMuch but we just don’t agree with you.

The rest of the day was filled with chaos and crime and people running around butt naked for some reason. There were many robberies and what not. But surprisingly there were no murders.

But what happened next made everyone go in panic mode and there were talks of controversy and infighting all over the street. We will bring you the remaining details in the next and hopefully final chapter of this long and boring article. We hope to publish it sometime within the next 72 hours but who knows, maybe I will again go do some research and then the article will take longer than 72 hours.

In any case, stay tuned, keep criming.

UPDATE:

We would like to inform everyone that our reporter Ruffian was brutally gunned down. (He totally DID NOT overdose on the drug he talked about earlier).

We are investigating the matter and we are sure this heinous act was done to prevent the truth from coming out. We would like to assure everyone that we are 100% committed to the truth and we will publish the report and finish the article no matter how many reporters of ours are killed.

We are investigating the death of Ruffian and once the culprit it found they will be brought to justice. (We definitely would not extort them for millions of dollars and sweep this matter under the rug).

The rest of the report about the event and how and why the result were delayed and the mysteries and drama surrounding it will be brought to light.

We will not be intimidated or silenced.

It was sad to hear of the passing of Ruffian, I always used to buy him some diet Pepsi and he loved it.

May he rest in peace and justice prevail.