Dear citizens of this fair country of ours,

Very soon I shall be announcing a nationwide competition where valor, determination, intelligence, endurance, and luck will be key to a successful campaign!! In this competition, people shall compete individually for the grand prize of the century and hold the title of the strongest nutcracker of the country award!! 

As we speak, the competition committee is busy setting up the competition arena, develop screening methods for the most sturdy contestants and developing (mostly) fair rules to ensure the competition is running smoothly.

However, for any event to be successful, it does not only need a great organization, rewarding prizes, great contestants but also great news reports about all the live action. For this purpose I'm announcing a public vacancy for anyone who wishes to join the organizers in being a news broadcaster, otherwise known as a hype man, who can enthusiastically and passionately report daily reviews of the efforts of our fearless contestants.

I shall receive applications until midnight 22nd of January, all applicants shall receive a fair review of their application and a decision whether they will get the job.

Salary: the name of a corrupt agent of the FBN, who has double stacked pockets from playing both the bureau and the mobsters he leaks the info to

Requirements: Daily availability to write a news report of the competition, ability to communicate with the competition referee and willing to sign a NDA on the game rules, not yet published results and will avoid any interference in the outcome of the competition.

Applications can be sent to my personal mailbox, I shall personally open the letters and after the deadline I shall contact each application with my decision.

Have a good day/weekend

Mokus

Mokus kicks his secretary for not understanding his dictations well enough

Deadline for applications is midnight December 22nd!!

Mokus had just finished writing a ton of pamphlets, or hahah, rather his scribes and useless bodyguards while off duty.

Yet none had responded to his vacancy, he hoped the delay that the holidays would cause to his competition start would give enough time for 1 more enthusiast of nuts and explosions would come forward

So… this regime can’t even advertise a vacancy competently? Eek, this just keeps getting sadder and sadder - or funnier and funnier, depending on your vantage point. For me, it’s definitely the latter.

Mokus ignores the dead body in front of him bleeding still, blood sinking into the sand making it slightly muddy where most had concentrated their decent into the ground

Well, i got some good news. Mr Gary from the scouse elite has brought forward a very compelling motivational letter to apply for the job and after a quick interview he convinced me of his abilities and his motivation. For now he shall be the main broadcaster for the exploding nuts competition that will start soon. Stay tuned everybody!

It took you two days to come up with that pithy comeback, rodent? I can see you’re the brains of this regime. Any more glib remarks you’d like to share… or would you rather wait until the reaper reaches me again? Pillock.

Toaster looks at the dead body on the floor and also ignores it, steps over it, and listens to the job vacancy announcement...

"This sounds an awful lot like work and I don't know if I like that or not. Also, I don't want to compete with a bunch of dopes for the job. Like, I can't tell if iShotUrBGsLol is applying for the position or not. It's an interesting interview style, that's for sure. Maybe he is trying to show that he is a strong-willed, independent associate who is not afraid to ruffle feathers, if necessary, to accomplish his goals."

"I know that is just the type of person I would like to have working for me. I can't handle the competition. Please withdraw my name from consideration."

I was just advised that the position is no longer available and was given to Gary, for some reason. Even though I absolutely have no interest in the position, I still have to say that this is complete bullshit. What's so special about Gary? I don't think he's even a real gorilla. At least that would have made things interesting.

I move for a vote of no confidence.

Ah for fucks sake. Listen folks. I would just like to clarify those comments that have appeared. I cannot believe that they have appeared in the public domain. The postman is getting a good shooting. It is not my level of competence that is in question. Definetly his fault.

I was just trying to make the guy feel better. I am 1000% invested and wouldn't have put my name forward without offering maximum effort at all times.

Do not fear. The reporting will match the effort of the competitors who are checks notes "Top class". Hahaha. cough I mean obviously we have the best of the best and I will match that level.

As for the comments about my status as a Gorilla. I identify as a Gorilla. I am 8 foot tall and not as if I am made of perspex. I'm as much a Gorilla as that lady over there and that's all that matters.