It's been ten years since the last time I had both my parents at Christmas. Despite the time passing, sometimes I still struggle during the holidays to feel the joy that's supposed to be there during this season. I know very well in not the only one, so I thought I would share some thoughts.

My therapist says that it's just as important to acknowledge grief as it is to acknowledge joy; so I have to acknowledge that while the holidays are a lot of fun, there are moments when I have to purposefully stop and let myself feel the sadness that creeps in. Sometimes it's from a picture; sometimes it's from a song; sometimes it's from looking up at the Christmas tree and seeing Mama's angel glowing at the top. The important thing is that the sadness doesn't last. It's just a wave, and you have to let it be that. You can't stop an ocean wave from reaching you standing on the shore; so just let it hit you. Whether the tide is washing over your toes or up to your elbows, let it come, then watch it go; because as sure as the wave came in, it's going to go back out to sea. So, while you're doing all the holiday stuff, hold space for yourself when you need it. It's ok to do that.

But, if you feel like that tide is too much this season, please reach out to someone. If you don't have a friend or family member you trust, call the National Suicide and Crisis Line at 988 in the US,  the National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK at 0800 689 5652, or search the web for your country's crisis services. There is help, and you don't have to fight the tide alone.

my holidays are going in very sad fashion

watching movies all day, and eating more then it's healthy

was drinking with some nice friends last night

this morning i feel sick again, but i think this cold will pass soon so i can go visit my mom and brother tommorow