Hello everybody. As an aging gentleman with no children, I'm looking to pass my considerable knowledge and legacy down to the next generation of mafia businessmen. To that effect, I will publishing a series of letters entitled BURGERHOUSE MAFIA BUSINESS SCHOOL. I will begin today by publishing letter #1 here on The Streets. I hope you learn something. 

Mafia Business School lesson #1: BRAND STORYTELLING

Your crew is your brand. The Volturi, for example, are vampire royalty. The name Volturi also makes you think of voltage, which is electric, and gets me fired up like heck. That’s good branding. That tells a story. A story of electric vampires. And operating under this branding gives me a better understanding of consumer behavior because as an electric vampire, I have discovered supernatural abilities within myself I never thought possible. More than that, I’ve discovered direct-to-consumer market paradigms evolving to face an increasingly unpredictable global economic ecosystem.

Engaging in brand storytelling is about creating deeply resonating emotional responses that connect customers to the products that you are selling. In this thing of ours, this generally includes things like drugs and prostitution, and as a representative of my brand, I engage in the use of our products with regularity. But our challenge isn’t just selling crack to the crackheads; it’s getting crack and the Volturi to go hand-in-hand in the minds of our addicts, like a dishwasher comes from Bosch, or a cola comes from Coca-Cola. 

One of the greatest branding examples of our time is the way library bathrooms have come to represent masturbation opportunities for PlagueDoctor. I can’t walk past a library without wondering what classic novel P.D. is shucking his corn in the upstairs toilet to this time. I once saw him walk out of the public library with The Odyssey under his arm and the red cheek flush of a man who’d been so busy strangling the cyclops, security had to drill the hinges off the doors just to get him out. 

The way PlagueDoctor has transformed even the most puritan literature into cross-functional self-satisfaction value streams shows us that all it takes is a little motivation and ingenuity to drive client-centric innovation at scale, and that by aligning scalable solutions with market evolution, we can leverage brand loyalty to create unmatched competitive advantages in the moden mafia economy. And in much the same way, it is my hope that The Volturi will come to represent the most premium psychological relief opportunities (crack) and the most high-value strategic libidinous market penetration (prostitution) for our brand-loyal consumers.

So ask yourself, what does your brand represent?

Buck Burgerhouse, M.B.A.