THE DUCK'S BILL, ISSUE #1: THE FIRST ISSUE. 

Hello. I am QuackersFeatherbeak, Editor-In-Chief of The Duck's Bill. You may find the format of our paper daring, innovative and unique. That's because our crack team of reporters and editors have turned reporting into a science, weaponizing an algorithm of structural perfection into the weekly newspaper you have before you today. Please tip. Issue 1 is dedicated to the memory of Tommy_Vitale. 

INTERVIEW WITH A CREWLEADER

Earlier this week, Crewleader Jimmy of Los Angeles busted me out of prison. This was no small feat and I was very grateful for his assistance. I stopped for a quick interview with the Angeleno sunset seeker.

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: Jimmy
Sent: Mar 23, '25 12:21
Subject:

your welcome

To: Jimmy
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Mar 23, '25 12:21
Subject:

Thanks Jim!

Editor's Note: You're*

LIST OF NOTABLE DEATHS

AlexanderTheGreat, former Ligambi/Mastrosimone Consigliere, was Burgerhoused hard last night. With the Burgerhousing craze fading away in recent weeks, mobsters around the country were just beginning to sleep a little more soundly at night. This renewed act of Burgerhousery strikes a fresh blow against those calmed nerves, and fear into the heart of man. 

The act of Burgerhousing, which involves missing a shot on your own crewmember, demoting them to gangster, and dropping them from your crew until you can murder them, is a brutal and cruel act, popularized in recent history by the likes of Brent and Mokus. 

BUSINESS OF THE WEEK

Gotham Park: Union Avenue Station. A great spot with plenty of great trash to eat off the floor, but I waited for a long time and Batman didn't show up even one time. 3/10 stars.

BUSINESS DISTRICT STATE OF AFFAIRS

Ladies and gentlemen, our business districts have faced challenges. Obstacles. Hurdles. But we've embraced them. Learned invaluable lessons. Sought opportunities. Opportunities for what? Innovation. Collaboration. Growth. The future is filled with promise. The present? A vehicle, moving towards the future. Step 1: Present. Step 2: Future. 

What do we want out of our business districts? Bars. Lounges. Speakeasies. For places titled Gotham to have Batman in them. 

How do we get there? Passion. Teamwork. Dedication. Bat-signals. Each step forward is a step towards our vision for a better business district. 

Stay tuned next week for another exciting state of affairs monologue. 

Q&A WITH THEDONBOT

In the first of a recurring series of Q&A's, we attempted to establish contact with TheDonBot and develop a rapport with the South Philly gangster.

To: TheDonBot
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Mar 24, '25 14:41
Subject:

I'm asking the questions here!

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: TheDonBot
Sent: Mar 24, '25 14:37
Subject:

We don't have a set publication date, but the goal is to get Issue I to the Streets by this Friday. 

I take it you'll be a reader? 

To: TheDonBot
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Mar 24, '25 14:32
Subject:

Hey DonBot, when is your first issue coming out

As you can see, our subject proved to be a very hostile witness. For the safety of our own reporter, we alerted the authorities and exited the interview promptly. Stay tuned for our follow-up interview next issue.

DEBATE OF THE WEEK

There was just one sort-of debate this week, between the daughter of a Wise Guy named Duchess, who was killed by her boss SantoRubio, and LA leader Joe_Ligambi. IApologize, the Duchess-relation, sarcastically apologized for things like "thinking of family first" and "submitting an honest shot report", before Ligambi noted that he personally had "nothing to apologize for". While the speech was likely directed at SantoRubio, Ligambi stepped in and took the heat, as many crewleaders are essentially the same guy, just branded differently. 

JOKE OF THE WEEK

Three friends all decide to start olive oil companies as fronts for their organized crime business. One decides to sell the cheapest, unrefined olive oil he can find and calls his product 'Flavored Olive Oil'. The 2nd opts for a slightly higher quality, and calls his product 'Pure Olive Oil'. The third buys the same cheap olives as the first, but calls his product 'Extra Virgin Olive Oil'. The other two ask: "How can you call it that? You buy the same cheap shit we do!". He says, "Yeah, but I've got FatGrin running the operation!"

LOTTERIES

JohnnyTheMan, the South Philly Godfather, won 54 million bucks in the lottery this week. DurkBanks, a Joseph-Clemente family Wise Guy, took home 48 credit notes himself, but was promptly killed and dropped with a major "Thank you for your service. Rip, no ws needed." at his funeral. RIP Mr. Banks. 

I would love to see where you can actually do a genuine Q&A rather than a sleazy paparazzi up-in-your-face trash piece. Make way for TheDonBot’s upcoming gazette. We have a few new godfathers in the states, care to ask them for an interview? The rest of your publication is a decent enough read, but don’t get too comfy.

Whimsy shreds the paper and tosses it in the rabbit hutch for litter.

"The only thing it's worthy of," she thought.

Though generally nonconfrontational, she felt the need to take to the streets to voice her opinion on this tacky matter.

This poor excuse for a paper is akin to plagiarism, the entire format and premise stolen directly from TheDonBot. Utterly shameful.

Who can blame TheDonBot for not yet publicizing his paper when dealt this slap in the face? I too would be discouraged from carrying on with such disrespect.

Quackers should be ashamed of himself, and I wish nothing more than the worst for this unremarkable lowlife.

In short, what a turd.

Whimsy, TheDonBot did not invent the newspaper. You have an extremely short view of history if you believe that. Notable columns such as "Business of the Week" and "Notable Deaths" have been commonplace long before a paper that has not even been published yet. And as previously mentioned, you can thank my crack team of reporters and editors for uncovering those gems. I've never even heard of TheDonBot. I don't even know who you're talking about.

I am not ashamed. I am PROUD of myself for releasing the best paper currently in circulation. 

Whimsy, if you would like to submit one, we would be happy to publish it. We're happy to accept guest columns too, regardless of whether they are critical of our publication or not. And if not, please direct any further issues towards our complaints department. We are very, very busy reporting the news.