During these troubled times, measured heads with enormous necks upon colossal shoulders like to take a step back and evaluate things. Sure, on the face of it, there is quite a lot of bad shit happening right now. However if you take a deep breath and look around, amidst the incompetence, the death and the drama, one truly positive thing has happened; Chicago has a new Godfather - LoopCL.

That's right, alongside the perpetual cycle of LHM slayings and South Side bosses being buried unbeknownst to the leadership of the Chicago, a new hero has arisen. With a derisory, "it looks like I caught you sleeping away at the helm" over his shoulder to Arianna-, he has grasped the opportunity with both hands establishing a stronghold in her recently vacated central district. 

But who is this champion opportunist? Well, although I'm no card-carrying journalist or feathered cyborg, I have taken a deep-dive into LoopCL and his operation so that we, the people, can better understand the latest Windy City kingpin. 

OVERVIEW

---

Name: LoopCL - A strong name to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. Who would be scared of someone called "Logen"?

---

Rank: Godfather - Making him the most senior man in the city. The next Godfather-Chairman on the horizon. 

---

Crew members: 50 - The largest crew in the country. 50 more than Svent, who is dead. 

---

No. of own LHM slain: 0 - This is at least 5 less than the brent/Ariana- families have on their consciences.

---

Members Burgerhoused: 0 - Take note Ariana- and Joe_Ligambi. Jesus is watching. 

---

Non-mandatory auth threads made: 0 - Clearly nothing to write home about but puts him level with virtually all the other leaders in the country, so no points lost. 

---

Times requested W/S for murder for fellow city leaders only to later pretend they knew who the murderer was all along: 0 - Perhaps a reason why he has taken control of the city in order to set an example for other would-be leaders there to follow. Seems like only yesterday Ariana- was asking Ranger why he left the crew unaware of the attempted Burgerhousing under her nose.

---

Times thanked a family member at their funeral after murdering them: 0 - No "thank you for your services" from LoopCL. This is a guy biding his time before striking during the slumbering of lesser men. 

---

Swirlies given by CLs they authed: 0 - The only thing in LoopCL's toilet bowl is healthy brown sweetcorn-pocked poo. Alfie's nowhere in sight. 

---

Apologies requested that simultaneous make Spacepole look cuckolded: 0 - LoopCL doesn't need your apologies. The man has 50 guys in him employ just waiting to make a move on your territory, business and probably your girl too. 

---

Times hidden 12 hours away from someone they should be killing and left others to do the heavy lifting: 0 - This man has balls as big as boulders. He stays central at all times and there isn't a fucking thing you can do about it.

---

STRENGTHS

---

• Godfather of Chicago
• Occupies central district
• Largest crew
• Hasn't lost a member during this war
• Strong, silent type
• Yet to eulogise own family members after shooting them
• Uses toilet for shitting and not flushing heads of NY Capos in

---

WEAKNESSES

---

• Not very vocal
• Probably not a chess grandmaster
• Literal NPC

---

OVERALL RATING

---

8/10. 

A strong start for the newcomer but still some room for improvement. Waiting to see what his legacy will be - if he revives one of the fundamental tenets of the Mafia, creative writing contests, for instance, he could become an all time great.  

This concludes our overview of the main man in Chicago and I think there are definitely signs of things improving already. LHM slayings are down. Mentions of brent's dildos are virtually nil. Nobody has run away from their own supernatural fight scene in over 48 hours. I wish him the best of luck in his city and will watch keenly over the coming days, weeks and months to see how things progress. If there are any more insights you need into the Godfather or his organisation, just let me know and I'll be happy to share.

I will also be profiling the other great men and women of the country in the coming days, so if you want to know how long it took Spike to get all the shell out of his latest omelette or fancy hearing about the day in the life of Tutte, stay tuned.  

If this CL report was in a legitimate newspaper I'd believe it. As it is, this has less credibility than The Harold.

Which part do you disbelieve, assistant Quackers? 

I can assure you that the only CL-related swirly was when Alfie got flushed by Monella (an LA CL) before he killed him and blew his own brains out. This came within days of his auth.

LoopCL does not hide from attackers. The man is a stalwart defender of Chicago and will fire upon the cowardly who enter his city with protection.

You talk about legitimacy, look no further than LoopCL. 50 members. 48.25 more members than your boss has issues of his paper. Do you see anyone else with a crew that large? No, you do not. 

I currently have reason to believe that if this man known as LoopCL is left there, he will gain immense strength. Strength beyond what any of us have ever witnessed in our lifetimes. I think it will take some immense amount of teamwork involving EVERYONE. There is no one man strong enough to put a bullet anywhere near this man. I hope that maybe something can be figured out before it is far to late

Thank you FatGrin for this informative non-news article. The picture of LoopCL's character you've painted is touching: A sensitive, yet ambitious and powerful man, with a passion for playing the violin.

Something tells me however this article would've been even better however if it was part of a newspaper instead.

As for proof of LoopCL's reach and ability one has to look no further than Krun. My unpaid intern comes here and trash talks the greatest leader we've seen in years and is SWIFTLY struck down.

People will think twice about slandering the king of Chicago now.

My lobster ravioli remains uncooked now however, which saddens me because I am hungry.

WaffleStompingChamp I have come out here to apologize to you personally in front of everyone. My father Krun was a fool. Naive and weak minded. He did not see the potential in the man, he wrote ion his journals about how much he despised him solely on his name and his stoic look. Myself, I was raised in a different environment, different country even, and I see the value of a man like this in our nations. I am more than willing to replace him as your unpaid intern, but I will warn you ahead of time, cooking is not my forte at all.