ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
A NON-LIVING EULOGY FOR THEDONBOT

An empty basement, devoid of friends • Friday, March 28th • Vol IIIIIII, special edition

Journalistic quote of the week:

Is this a paper or a ploy for money?

-Dynamite_

SPECIAL REPORT: A NON-LIVING EULOGY FOR THEDONBOT

While I was at home getting increasingly frustrated at the lack of GENEROUS DONATIONS, which combined with the rising price of both printing ink and seafood ravioli has made me so destitute that I cannot even afford to put out a single interim report (I don't know where that feathered fuck gets the funding to do so), I was brought terrible news by now-deceased intern JournalistHarold.

Apparently my half-colleage TheDonBot (I say half, because no paper was actually released and I have yet to see a single press pass) was brutally murdered yesterday.

How will we get "Q&A with TheDonBot" segments for our newspapers now? These were quickly growing to become a fan favourite of the news-reading audience, with many compliments sent QuackersFeatherbeak's way for its inclusion in his paper. Compliments which I might have been slightly jealous of. As FatGrin remarked, my own choice of interviewee for 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻: Vol IIIIIII, No 1 was rather poor.

Would I have perhaps have gotten more donations had I included a "Q&A with TheDonBot" segment in my last paper? Could this hypothetical increased income have allowed me to afford more lavish Lobster Ravioli lunches (and breakfasts (and dinners)) instead of having to settle for the more plebian shrimp ravioli (which my intern would then foolishly overcook)?

I don't know. It's one of the MANY QUESTIONS that keep me up at night.

As a final tribute, I wish to put forth one last "Q&A with TheDonBot" for the world to see.

To: WaffleStompingChamp
From: TheDonBot
Sent: Mar 27, '25 10:30
Subject:

TheDonBot has been put in stand-by mode while the current Rogue(s) situation plays itself out. Bleeeeeeeeep

 

To: TheDonBot
From: WaffleStompingChamp
Sent: Mar 27, '25 10:29
Subject:

Where is the robo report.
I need competition. (but not the competitive writing kind)
 

Typing out this transcript on my rusty typewriter, our final conversation and the last time I got to see TheDonBot's bright yet artificial and slightly moronic smile, brought a tear to my eye. I hope the interns don't see this. Lest they take note of my tender, softer, feminine and more emotional side, losing any latent fear they may have of me.

TheDonBot is in eternal standby mode now. To his memory, and the memory of the newspaper that was never released. 

Boat drinks.

Thank you for that excellent opening quote, WaffleStompingChamp. Dynamite_'s keen insight into the machinations of mafia media continue to impress me even beyond the grave. Beyond that, this is a newspaper for children who are force-fed dirt by bullies with weight insecurities. RIP DonBot. 

Beyond that, this is a newspaper for children who are force-fed dirt by bullies with weight insecurities.

QuackersFeatherbeak we are here to remember TheDonBot and there you come in, opportunistic as ever, trying to smear my good name instead of giving a speech about your fond memories of TheDonBot. Were you even his friend? You're just jealous:

That I am a better friend than you.

I hope you become one of FatGrin's 23 meals today.

I would like to raise my glass to TheDonBot. Not that high because strenuous activity and I are not friends, strangers in fact, a bit like QuackersFeatherbeak and the truth, but aloft to almost shoulder height in his honour. Whilst he didn't quite manage to get his paper over the line, The Duck's Bill took the seeds he planted, watered them and now we can look upon a timid sampling desperately searching for light lest it be crushed underfoot. Such will be his legacy. 

I am sad, partly at the loss of TheDonBot and so many others and partly at my city taking in every feathered stray in sight. I would offer a bleep bloop for fallen comrades at this point, except I don't want to do that at all. 

That aside, bravo on this publication WaffleStompingChamp. A much improved Q&A than your previous issue. Just enough of an improvement in fact to sway my patronage away from The Duck's Bill, which I dismiss with a haughty exhale, and provide to you instead by way of $20,000 of my hard earned and a strong need to sit down and rest after these exertions. 

"I read about you, FatGrin, in a bunch of my father's notebooks! He had nothing but good things to say about you," Shane said.

Shane pulls out a piece of paper he had where he copied some notes of notable people in his old man's notebook.

"And I read," Shane said, clearing his throat in between with his prominent Southern accent, "If you find FatGrin, you'll want to grin as well. He's a great man who always spoke his mind but maintained a level of decorum. You'll spot him a mile away with an infectious smile and leave your conversation knowing way more than you did before."

Shane finished and put the paper back into his pocket.

"So, sir," he said to FatGrin as he nodded and tipped his cowboy hat, "I reckon you're a darn good guy so quite a pleasure to meet you."

Nobody likes FatGrin that much, what incredibly suspicious behavior. Shane_Stetson, do you know what he does to allied prowackers? You don't want to get anywhere near this guy.

I looked up some of the work of FatGrin and can see he had some darn good pieces. Sometimes started to see the negativity set in a little, but he maintained his resilient smile.

Shane, I don't think we've met but I can tell already that you're an excellent judge of character. I do have my detractors in these Streets but I put them down to jealousy. I've always had to contend with that, ever since I was born. I strolled out of the womb, whole and glorious and there was an odd looking duck perched on the windowsill outside. He pecked gently at the glass and our eyes met. It wasn't a friendly gaze between a baby and a duck-hybrid as you would expect these days, no, it was intense and hostile. A budding rivalry, perhaps. You might wonder how I can remember such things. A fair question. My memory, like my jowls are truly extraordinary.

But what does this all mean I hear you asking? Well, it means that QuackersFeatherbeak has resented my relative prosperity. He's had to battle vampires and time travelling ninjas his whole life and I've had it good. I've been protected and nearly attained 115% prowess. Never had to make a paper in my life to make a living. I'm 100% pedigree and he's cobbled together with parts from alleyways. 

Ignore him. He's irrelevant and bitter. Keep enjoying me.

Shane is not a detractor, he's a protractor that's for sure. What's his angle? 90 degrees? 

It looks like ThinGrin has blown himself all out of proportion. FatGrin has a way better smile so he's already got you beat there. 

My friend FatGrin is the exception to the 'fat and jolly' rule, but he does have a cracking smile I'll give him that. Did you also know he has as many as 6 bins? It's where he keeps his valuables

Please don't slander me with accusations of 6 bins, ThinGrin. I am a man of simple means and enormous appetites, granted, but that doesn't mean I am some sort of princeling, plumply perched atop their ivory tower discarding banana skins and biscuit wrappers over the battlements at the peasants below. I'm not like that at all. I have just the 3 bins that you would expect from a man of stature and impressive bulk. Domestic waste, recycling and gardening. I'm a firm believer that is all you need and any more than that, you're some sort of toff bastard who probably plays polo. 

However, all of this is besides the point. This is a place to commemorate the nearly newspaper publisher TheDonBot and comment upon how The Duck's Bill is struggling to keep up with the increased competition. Is the pressure applied by The Harold starting to tell? Are QuackersFeatherbear's eyes bulging under the load or as a result of the harsh mutilations he endured when he was first created? Should we end all of the Quackers and eat their juiciest parts for tea?

Those are the biting questions/dinner arrangements we should be concerning ourselves with. Please don't bring my bin count into this again. 

Mar 29, 00:00:01     You were paid $19,990,280 for winning the MafiaReturns.com cash lottery! (You had 4.05% of the total tickets.)

Looks like Lobster Ravioli is back on the menu boys.

Quackers should be boycotted by all the readers due to his opportunism at TheDonBot's eulogy. This is why I'd rather read WaffleStompingChamp's publications instead. You've got more readers watching your next moves, Quackers.

1.75 issues so far? It'll be decades at this rate before we get to Issue 4 so you'll be saving me time. It gives me more time to read reputable newspapers and you should keep it locked and throw away the key. I do not plan to appeal.

You should open up a sign-up sheet to voluntarily place oneself on the ban list.

Don't act like you weren't going to appeal. We all know you were. That's ridiculous. You are an extremely unconvincing liar. But there's absolutely no chance, so forget about it. You're BANNED FOR LIFE, Stetson. For LIFE. Good day to you. 

Damn it Featherbeak...I demand an appeal now! I pay a whole...actually I didn't pay anything. Please don't let me get banned for life from reading your future publications. I do enjoy the newfound knowledge I get from investing my time to read.

Shane_Stetson I do not appreciate you flirting with competitor newspapers like that. Keep it up and I am stripping you of your platinum subscriber status.

Journalism is a duck eat duck world and my feathers are easily ruffled.