The Duck's Bill Issue 4
Fiscally Conservative, Experimentally Satanist

EDITOR'S NOTE

It'll be decades at this rate before we get to Issue 4 - Shane_Stetson

Loyal readers, what a run it's been. A meteoric rise in mafia journalism is said to come with a fall. What do they know? The haters didn't think we'd make it. They said, "It'll be decades at this rate before we get to issue 4". But a rise & grind mindset conquers all naysayers. Welcome to Issue #4.

STETSON BANNED FOR LIFE

In a shocking turn, Los Angeles Goomba Shane_Stetson has been officially banned for life from all Duck's Bill publication purchases, events, get-togethers and seminars. The Goomba's surly attitude and suggestion of a community-wide Duck's Bill boycott has landed him in hot water with the newspaper's editor-in-chief QuackersFeatherbeak, who responded in turn by announcing that the newspaper would be boycotting Shane_Stetson, in the form of prohibiting him from engaging in any fashion.

"Please don't let me get banned for life from reading your future publications"

Onlookers were not surprised to see Stetson immediately resort to begging and pleading for a reversal of the decision but Featherbeak remained steadfast, and was heard muttering to a colleague, "If I see that bitch, I'll smack him up".  

RANGER DEAD

Burgerhouse-survivor Ranger set the world alight over the past week after his attempted assassination set off a series of events that saw hundreds of mafia members lose their lives. Having staved off an attempted purging by Riina and subsequently avoiding a series of demotions from the famously competent Chicago leaders Arianna- and Ghost-, Ranger fired back with several days of carnage that saw over a half-dozen crewleaders murdered, including nearly the entirety of Philadelphia. 

Publications like The Harold and The RoboReport have attempted to report on Ranger's deeds to various degrees, but universally failed to portray just how consequential his actions were. This can be best summarized by the following news: the talent pool has been left so bare, FatGrin is now an LHM, and the clock is now ticking on a Burgerhousing of his own, one that we pray will be successful. 

STETSON BECOMING PARIAH, HATES GOD

Shane_Stetson, a Los Angeles Goomba with an increasingly troubled reputation, was spotted recently recovering from his lifetime ban of Duck's Bill publications and adjacent activities by pestering WaffleStompingChamp (or WSC for short), editor of the much-maligned Harold, for updates on the news he was no longer receiving from the best newspaper in town. WSC was quick to rebuke the request, informing him:

"it's Sunday, the Lord's day. We don't do Journalism on Sunday."

While it came as no great shock to this reporter that Stetson's beef extends not only towards the mafia journalism world, but towards God him(or HER)self, it is also evident from his looks, thoughts, style, and ability, that God has been decidedly unkind to the young Goomba in return. Who could worship something that has created you in the image of a WhereWasI debate partner? 

The exchange additionally served as a timely and tremendous reminder of The Harold's inferiority to a slick and smooth operation like The Duck's Bill, from where Stetson is permanently banned, as any good reporter knows the news doesn't stop for anybody or anything. 

ANY HOT SCOOPS?

With Ranger's run over, Duck's Bill editor-in-chief QuackersFeatherbeak is extremely bored and increasingly unmotivated once again. If you have any hot scoops to liven up his day, we will publish literally anything. 

My very own issue?

Shane blushes.

Aww, you show love in a very weird way, Quackers. Looks like you're joining me in hell too, doing the deed we call journalism on a Sunday! Lord, bring forth your lightning upon your quacking child.

What happened to the issues in between 1.75 and 4? There's your next scoop.

Stetson, you're banned. Move along. This is a decent newspaper for decent folk. 

I have to disagree with you about FatGrin. With the recent formation of the Mafia Anti-Burgerhousing Oversight Commission (MABOC), he may be protected from the fate suffered by others in Clan Burgerhouse. I hear they are even more ruthless than the Competition Commission.

But nevermind all that, I just want to know more about these upcoming seminars. When are they scheduled? What will be the topics? I would love to know more, but I refuse to read another line until the riff-raff is removed. 

Geoff_with_a_G, my sincere apologies. I know our readers have come to expect a level of social decorum and class from our publishing gatherings. I hope you will find comfort in knowing Mr. Stetson's lifetime ban from Duck's Bill events remains in place and he will not be bothering any of us any further. 

Unfortunately, while dealing with the disturbance, a lone gunman attempted to silence the free press once and for all.

Mar 30, 18:59:22    Someone attempted to WACK! you.

The power of the truth overcame his meagre effort and I stand unharmed, more vital and powerful than ever. Were an attempt like this to have beset another journalist - say WaffleStompingChamp - there is no doubt in my mind their underpants would have taken on a dark brown recoloring, but I stand before you, bolder, braver, and not wearing pants at all. 

I think it is one thing to take a shot at an out of control, cyborg duck suffering from dyscalculia, (arguably justified even, if you can work out what order to read his drivel in) but it is another thing entirely to try and BAN someone from engaging with a paper. What are his crimes? Expecting a little bit of content in a timely manner and some sort of transparent numbering system, maybe. Oh no, where's the fire?!

How could you even engage with this dumb nonsense if you wanted to? Couldn't even bag an interview without TheDonBot to set it up for him, and where's the competition? Ever heard of a weekly crossword, bro? Here's a clue, 3 down, terrible newspaper editor, 19 letters.

Needless to say, I, despite being the original advocate for this production stand by my explosive friend, Shane, and I am immediately withdraw my support for The Duck's Bill. I am looking for a new paper to offer my considerable resources to. You'll get no better bang for your buck than with FatGrin in your corner, that is a promise. $20,000 to the next editor that isn't WaffleStompingChamp. 

FatGrin, because I respect your position as LHM of a powerful crime family, I will not be giving you the same treatment as Shane_Stetson. To prove how good at math I am, I will offer you a multiplicative amount of respect to mirror the ratio of chins between you: 5x the respect of Mr. Stetson. You will not be banned, and certainly not for life. If, however, you choose to get your news elsewhere, that is also fine because it will essentially serve the same purpose and save me the time and effort of making sure you're off my property and not participating in my seminars (sorry, Geoff_with_a_G, more on that later). My new team of Stetson Seekers are vigilant and ruthless, and a team of Chubby Chasers I'm sure would operate with an equal thrill and vigor. 

Furthermore, the fat 20k tip already present on this edition proves we are doing just fine without you. If I dice that successfully, I could have as much as 40k on my hands and the memory of your patronage will be a relic lost to history.

Wow Quackers, threatening readers? We are in the United States, where we all have the right to freedom of speech. First you ban me from reading a publication, then an onlooker hears that you are willing to resort to physical violence if it comes to seeing me again.

Featherbeak remained steadfast, and was heard muttering to a colleague, "If I see that bitch, I'll smack him up". 

Then you employ a team dedicated to hunting me down.

My new team of Stetson Seekers are vigilant and ruthless, and a team of Chubby Chasers I'm sure would operate with an equal thrill and vigor. 

So, care to explain what happens if I do come to our open forum?

I appreciate FatGrin for explaining logical reasoning, something a journalist must have. I have committed no crime and have not resorted to or even threatened any violence. I believe words are more powerful.

I don't know where you're from Quackers, but having engaged readers should be key to determining your success. Without engaged readers, you would throw out issue after issue, knowing that it is just being used for makeshift doggy pads ready for urine and feces.

Stetson, you have been BANNED FOR LIFE. It's hard to take anything you say at face value after someone tried to kill me yesterday, no doubt spurred on by your harrassment of my newspaper and editorship. If the assassin had left a manifesto, I'm sure you would have been quoted. Please move along. My loyal readers like Geoff_with_a_G are trying to enjoy the news in civilized company. 

There is no civilized company here. Your publication has been hijacked by a bunch of hooligans.

I'm going to The Harold.

Look what you've done, Stetson. And yet you play Mr. Innocent. First you inspire an attempt on my life, then your mere presence frightens away my readers. For shame. You are a man without morals. How low will you sink?

Shane_Stetson, please disregard anything Quackersfeatherfuck just said and keep heckling The Duck's Bill, thereby driving additional donators readers to my own highly esteemed paper.

My 20 million dollars have mysteriously vanished over the weekend and I cannot remember anything about said weekend at all, which can only mean that I must've had a blast and must have gotten absolutely blasted in turn.

Well said, RufusWatchdog, you keep at that fowlbeaked beast.

I agree, nobody can be banned from reading a newspaper.

Except if you don't publish any newspapers at all, effectively banning EVERYONE from reading your newspaper. This is the strategy I have adopted. You see, I have over 4 written yet unpublished issues of THE HAROLD laying in the top drawer of my walnut-wooden desk. To be read by nobody but ME and the impressive mountain of 20 million one dollar bills which I sleep in at night.

That's it, Tony_G, I've had it with you. You just earned yourself a lifetime ban, muchacho. Start walking and don't stop til you see gulls. 

BANNED READERS:

LUCY

ROUTE

SHANE_STETSON

TONY_G