The Duck's Bill Issue 5
Pulling The Ladder Up Behind Us

Letter From The Editor:

There's been a lot of talk lately about the state of mafia media. Some newspapers, like The Harold, peddle nonsense for dumb babies, writing articles about keys jangling and whether food is better when delivered via mommy's airplane or chugga-chugga-choo-choo-train. Others, like The RoboReport or LuncheonEpiphany's Luncheon Epiphany, never quite make it past the announcement stage, failing to materialize beyond a table of contents. 

Some however, like The Duck's Bill, bravely investigate and report all of the breaking news and information the public deserves. They venture forth into the world with courage and curiosity, and leave no stone unturned in their pursuit of the truth, no matter the cost. 

And how are those latter publications treated?

They are maligned. Criticized by the likes of Shane_Stetson, told they don't know how to number issues, made out to be some sort of reverse-Einstein. Left nearly tipless, with barely 40k to take home to their starving children and hideous wife and drunken, venom-tongued mother-in-law, that cursed hag. 

Nevertheless, these honest journalists trod on, and sometimes they are rewarded like they deserve. Sometimes they wake up and there's 25 million dollars sitting in a bag on the edge of the pond they sleep in, snuggled up like a little cloud, the slightest snores escaping from their little bill. 

QuackersFeatherbeak won $25,473,578 Cash

Sometimes you win the lottery. And sometimes everyone else LOSES the lottery. This makes ME the winner and every single one of YOU the LOSERS. This is no less than what I deserve and no less than what all of you deserve. 

So enjoy your gruel tonight, Savannah and Fredo_Trapani and FatGrin and WaffleStompingChamp and KRZY- and not Shane_Stetson because he won a much smaller, less good lottery but still will probably treat himself as far as his meagre winnings take him, but I guess also RupertGiles and LucaRossi, I'm just naming everyone I see, because I'm the winner and you're all the losers, Victor, Sven, Damiayn, I could keep going but I'm rich now, so I'll just hire someone to do it for me. MAF, big_jason. 

1 million to the first person who follows this up by just naming everyone they see and reminding them that I'm the winner and they're the losers.

April 5th will forever be known as Quackers Day, the day The Duck's Bill spat on your meagre 40k total tips and became a luxury newspaper for the ultra-wealthy. 

Thank you.

Yours truly,

 Quackers Featherbeak

I should have won

But you didn't, Rooney. You know what that makes you? I made my thoughts on that very clear. Have 100k on me. 

QuackersFeatherBeak, who did you molest to win the lottery?

You should be turned into Duck Chow Mein that my friend FattyBumBumGrin can eat for his Saturday night treat whilst he sits in his pants, wishing he wasn't so horribly, horribly alone.

You should not be out here walking and talking and selling average quality newspapers.

Be gone, fowl beast.

ThinGrin, you're lean and svelte, nothing like UglyFatGrin. As such, I'm forced to treat what you say with an inherently higher level of trust and respect. That's what makes it so difficult to inform you that you're wrong. Average quality? There are 4 newspapers allegedly in circulation at the moment. One is The Harold, with an audience of readers who use it as drool-napkins to sponge up the extra dribble accumulated during their attempts to achieve literacy, and the other two have yet to move past the announcement phase, nary an issue 1 between them. The 'average' quality of a newspaper these days seems to be barely published. 

The Duck's Bill, on the other hand, sails proudly into uncharted waters with an incoming issue #6, a 25 million dollar cash injection huffing wind into our sails. 

You may not be fat like HideouslyObeseGrin, TG, but you're a pipsqueak. I'm a mafia media titan. Forget the duck chow mein. You're shrimp tempura.  

I'm rich. 

Congratulations on winning the lottery my friend. You are one lucky duck! However, why did you publish a newspaper about it? You had a good thing going with the other papers.

This isn't a newspaper, it's just you mocking other newspapers and bickering about winning the lottery.

You do you. Just keep the "news" part out of your papers if you are going to write something like this. People like me, who actually read the papers get confused ya know?

The lottery is a big event, Lucy. It makes millionaires. It moves markets. It alters the balance of economic power. It's obviously news, and I report the news. Educate yourself. This is why I work in mafia media and you do not.

Am I the one who needs to educate myself? Really, if you did your job right, you wouldn't work for free.

Again, if you wanna blow off some steam, you do you. Just don't portrait this steam as news. Because clinging onto the lottery for "news" just tells me that you are dry on content my friend.

Lucy, shut the fuck up you know absolutely nothing about Mafia Journalism.

Though I do agree that everything Quackers puts out is even less valuable than a plate of overcooked shrimp ravioli.

This poorly written letter from the editor is an embarrassment. All this talk about my bulk, and instead of a fat wad of stories, we get this one piece appetiser Diet Duck's Bill. Is your printer charging you by the letter or something? What gives? I can remember a glorious time back in February last year when there were 7 actual papers at the newsstands bursting with news, keeping us up to date on all the latest goings on like who was having lobster ravioli and shitting the bed rather than publishing a paper (it was Gillian fyi) and both the arrival and inevitable defeat of the Durdens (RIP TommyVitale).

Now we have....this sparse shite. A moron's monologue. A simpleton's soliloquy. I'd go on but my dog's sat over there licking his bollocks like an early spring Christmas dinner, turning my carpet into a saliva bath deep enough that an LA crewleader could drown an NY Capo in it. He's putting me right off my flow and I can't even wap him on the snout in the most cliché way possible because this flimsy ThinGrin twink of a publication would do about as much good as a Super VIP perk in the Bronx. Lick. Ball-slap, lick. Over and over again. You should be disgusted, QuackersFeatherbeak. Somewhere TheDonbot is turning in his grave and making cringey robot noises for inspiring you to publish this.  

Damn. Modern day journalists can't come up with a solid argument of someone calling them out for their awful issue papers. Instead they are telling them to "Shut the fuck up" and they are so stuck up their butt that they refuse to take any criticism.

Mafia journalism. No screw that. Journalism in general is dead these days.

Perhaps this is why neither of you are getting tips. Also I haven't seen that Waffle guy post anything for quite a while. He just got mad he was only donated 20k for his paper once and probably quit. Not even grateful of what he's given.

Do your job right and I'll tip you. Do shit like this and I'll call you out. It's simple as that. There is no need to get your burgers overcooked.

Lucy I, just like that feathered fuck, won the lottery, which means that I don't have to work for my money anytime soon.

I can understand the envy, but being so venomous to me when I have been nothing but polite and kind will not get you any closer to a 20 million dollar jackpot.

We are all envious sometimes. I, for example, am envious that Quackersfeatherbeak's jackpot was 5 million dollars larger than mine.

I am concerned that I am still the topic of conversation considering I haven’t visited in a while. Guess I’m still visiting in spirit?

I soo envy you guys. You won the lottery! Amazing right? I sooo wish I was the "journalist" publishing "news"papers about me winning the lottery because I just can't keep myself from rubbing it in everyone's face. Seriously what is there to enjoy Quackers? If you don't need the tips and you are not planning to post anything that has meaning, stop polluting these streets with your toilet papers and retire from journalism already.

"Nothing but polite and kind" I don't know about that Waffle dude. In my dictionary "shut the fuck up you know nothing" does seem a little unkind. Maybe just me.

OK you two. I've kept you long enough.

You may now kiss and ride off into the sunset together.

Well, I see FatGrin finally got what he deserved! Let that be a warning to hecklers of The Duck's Bill. With the recent seed money acquired by QuackersFeatherbeak, he has already expanded into a power-hungry journalism empire. He thinks nothing of throwing 80 million dollars at some poor chump with a gun to kill off his rivals and critics.

Does anyone know where Lucy was at the time of FatGrin's murder?