Sitting here in my head, we were all at the bar, my knee was bouncing, my arms crossed. I could feel all eyes on me, whispers of my name. I didn't care, at least to an extent. I pulled out my notebook and pen. I began writing little by little. Words stuck and swirling in my head. I never thought of myself as a word genius, but I was good at spelling. Writing. It's what I did. It's what seemed to keep my darkness at bay. Either that or my projects, it's what kept it at bay. What kept me busy. But when I'm at one of the most prestigious bar of our world. Everyone was there. Riina, spikes, Von, tiiyah, Savannah. My own leader. I was the perfect shadow but as I looked around,swirling in my own head. Drowning out the music. I felt someone take the chair next to me. 

“Del..what's wrong?” It was Von. 

I looked up, and people around me were watching. Including the current regime. 

“Nothing, just got a lot on my mind why?” I turned to look at Von.

“You, my sister and I love you. So whatever it is, maybe we can talk about it.” He was always making sure I was in the present. 

“Well I've been listening to people talk shit on my name like they know me. While I gather it doesn't bother me persay. But it's been going on for like a long ass time. It's getting to a point I can't even make an appearance without being bombarded with bullshit.” I said, with such annoyance it was comical. 

I've just been writing shit down. And it's been going on for three years damn it. And I feel like if I don't at least write it down, I'll go insane. You know?” I said softly. 

I turned to look, my friends and the current regime looked at my wide eyed. 

“Did you say this has been going through your head for three years?” Riina asked. 

“Yes, I did say I don't like public speaking. Unless its..” I was interrupted. 

“Absolutely necessary.” Riina smirked. 

“So you want to say this in public? Like out in the streets?” SantoRubio asked. 

“Yes. But I'm..” I looked at Von and spikes finished. 

“Hue..well why don't you just breathe and say what you need to say?” He said, I raised a brow. 

“How about I bring you all with me? Yeah?” I said instead. 

“You wrote This?” Von asked.

I turned to look and he was reading it, I couldn't get my leg to stop shaking. I just nodded. I wasn't exactly afraid, my body just wouldn't stay under control. Emotions weren't my thing. But when it came to being in the eye of the public, I wasn't a fan. 

“This is…wow. Now I see why you ask how deep into the rabbit hole you wanna go. This is some deep stuff. I'll go with you.” Von said and nodded. 

I stood up, it was still in the day, I had Von help convince people to follow. “I mean if I have to be in the light..then you have to come.” I smirked, riina sucked his teeth. 

Mistletoe seemed to smirk at this, so I left the bar. 

I hadn't realized how much time had passed, I was so deep in my head. Luckily there was cameras everywhere. People gathered together. My name was being whispered. I sighed. 

I came to a stop, opened my paper and instantly looked up, I felt my chest heaving and then Von did something that I'd never expected. He grabbed my hand and held on. 

“you got this, I'm right here. Just pretend your saying this in your room. And just you and me talking. Say all the stuff you want to say. Who cares what others say. Who cares about the expectations of others. Just be you. And don't forget to breathe. You have the most powerful people at your back. Nothing bad will happen.” Von whispered and I nodded. 

I took a deep breath and let it out, “spikes?” I called. 

“yes?” He answered. 

“hue.” was all I said. 

“riina your kohai needs her senpai.” He spoke his nonsense. 

I shook my head and both riina and I spoke “such utter nonsense.” and chuckled. 

I let go of Vons head and stepped up. 

I looked down at the paper, and couldn't read it, so I took another deep breath. And balled up the paper. 

“inceptive..intuitive…deception..inception..obsession..possession..descriptive..indecision..oblivion..kaleidoscope…manipulation..disassociation..these are some of the words that swirl around in my head. People have their perception of me and those around me. I've been in this world for so long, it's probably stupid. If some of you know, I don't like being the eye of the public. I don't like hanging in crowds really. I don't judge and I don't hate. It's really not worth it. Some of you only got to know me recently. And think you know everything you know about me. Like some of my quotes says, don't judge me by the chapter you came in one. And don't judge a book by its cover. And the three f's quote. We are all old enough to know what quote that is.

I've been called a lot of names and things in this world. But I gotta tell you, unintelligent should be the least in your vocabulary. Some of you ask me why? Why do I keep going back to this regime? Not that it's any of your business what I do. But I'll give you an idea. One, it's fun. Two, they give me reason. Not by power, or by money, or by influence nah. They gave me a reason by conversing with me. That's it. I think a few weeks ago the transistor said something that made me want to die laughing. Saying you can by your influence. Uh. I hate to break it to you. But uhm that doesn't happen. If that did happen..where the fuck is my money everytime I chilled with this regime? I'm just saying. Now back to reality. I often sit here and ask myself things that are about the same question but not for going back. But, For staying in this world. And I've been give multiple. I'm going to tell before I even begin. One I don't kiss ass, two, I do whatever I want..whenever I want. Cause like cadhla says I'm a bad bitch. And I'm taking a chapter out of her book and following that. And I've also heard other things too. Like let's not pretend some of you didn't talk shit about who I'm with to get where I'm at. You're funny. So funny I could throw shade back but I won't. You can ask this regime yourselves. Or any crew leader. I've never used anything other than my brain and actual hard work to get where I am at. Also if I genuinely like someone I say it right to their faces. If I've got a problem with you. I don't need to say it when you aren't around. But if I do, you best believe I'll tell you what I said about you directly to your face. I don't give a fuck. Reason I don't like gossip has nothing to do with having fun. It's because if i have a feud with you. It's between you and me. I don't need every Tom, Dick, and Harry, or Joe blow down the road getting in the middle of it. Next let's get to juicy details. 

Before this regime, I moved from circle to circle, studying and watching you all. And I gotta say, you all spouting bullshit in the streets about loyalty and whatnot is a hypocrisy in itself. I've watched you past regimes maim, walk over. Turn against each other. Run your mouths. Then turn around and Auth someone only to betray the person you Auth. So please stop pouting you hero/martyr hypocrisy. It's disgusting how much you gaslight the public with your bullshit. I'm a shadow for a reason. Before midpoint disappeared. May he rest in peace. Midpoint/chachaslide. May he rest in peace. He was one of my closest friends. But before him, I just watched you play and I just drifted. I write, you all trolled. Disrespecting my work. You wanna talk about respect. Do you even know the meaning of that? Then midpoint came around and he and Yaz and Roykhan would stay up with me and oh don't let me forget Savannah. Haha. But that guy when I didn't want to be here, he'd pull me here. That was my true circle. Pyro, bless his soul too. Secra. She is retired. That was my inner circle. None of you could touch it. Although the lot of you tried. But you can't even get close. Why? Because we don't need popularity. What is it? It's fake as fuck. Unless you get people like this regime, who's so real it is funny. So let me begin on the reasons I keep coming back. 

Shadows are my friends, high or low. So they are assholes but I'll tell you, they take care of their. Their monsters sure. But they protect their weakest links. That's also part of the difference. Instead of cutting them off, they empower them. It's what I'd do. Some of you go for the big names. Nah me, I got for the quiet people that people overlook. And I make them my family. If they treat me like family then I make them family. Mid every day would troll some of you because he thought it was funny. But he also didn't like how some of you acted like cowards and talked shit, but when it was time to throw down yall just ran with your tail tucked between your legs. Hypocrisy. 

I'll name a name that's probably so hated, but I actually find him funny, spacepole. Yeah he can annoying as all fuck. But at least you can say he'd tell you right to you what he'd think of you and he'd handle his business when needed. At least you can say he's loyal to his friends. He's real. Another one. Spikes is probably a hit or miss with him. But he still does what he wants and doesn't give a fuck. And he'll tell you he doesn't. So while you're sitting there shooting him. He's laughing at you, why? Because he riled you up so much that you had to shoot someone who you hate. And believe you..me..it's funny. Another one yall troll. Rbm. Let's not forget him. How many times has he helped yall? Build and shit? Yall act like it's easy getting up where we are. Well probably. But we fake it until we make, we do it so good, we make it look easy. That's how good we are. We don't give a fuck. 

Rbm, has donated, and stepped for a lot of you. But you know what? But have any of you actually messaged him? Asked him if he's okay? No? Yeah I thought so. That mofo is like my brother. I'd destroy real life for him. He may be gay, But I'd give him the world. He's funny. He's the nicest person you'll ever meet. And this regime protected that. When you didn't. Now here's another example. Savannah, my dearest Savannah. Like rbm and Pyro, I've known her for years. Been with her through thick and thin. That girl is loyal to a t. Anyone who fucks with her people and fuck up some shit. She'll follow those who are like family to the ends of the earth. Each one of us will. None of you could say the same. This is the first regime I've seen who are actually friends. Been through everything together. The longest regime. SantosRubio. He's nice, he works hard as fuck poor guy. And Jen, she changes it up. She's a spider or so Spike says. She's nice to me. I don't know what you all do to annoy her. That's on you. But she treated me like a human being. One thing I like about her. She doesn't pick favorites. She is how she is to everyone. Now madoka is a funny sweet girl, I like her memes, she's so cute. She's really nice to me too. She likes to play jokes on people, but it doesn't hurt anyone. And that's refreshing. 

Tiiyah, she's crazy sure. But she's loyal to her people. She's sweet. She vibes. If you can't get on her level. Then you aren't ready to be a monster for this regime. She's the tamest of us all. Mistletoe. She's so nice. I don't know much about her. But I have got to know just a little bit. She is quiet, at least to me. She's probably the sweetest you'll ever meet. She stands up for what needs to be said. She protects her people and doesn't give two rat fucks of what you all think. And for that I think she's a bad ass bitch. Best shadow ever. 

Now I'm not kissing ass, I just go by my instincts. And I read people. I'm not a genius, I'm probably the dumbest person here. But I study psychology for personal reasons. I have to say you all are funny. Why? Why do I laugh? It isn't because I haven't died enough or been betrayed enough. On the contrary. I've probably died more than most of you, I've definitely been insulted more than any of you. I've been called a whore too. So I mean it's funny. I watch you lose like a sore loser. And instead of putting brain cells together. You get all emotional and lash out. And when you don't win you insult people like me. Now let me tell you why I'm not as unintelligent as you seem to think. 

Sigh this is why I'm laughing so hard. Because this regime isn't really even trying all that much. It makes me wanna shake your brains to make sure you still have them. I've you guys pull your hair, as you lose and lose and lose. While me? Why am I still being treated nicely? It has nothing to do with not seeing me as a threat. If they didn't, why did I die when kw was fluffy tummy? Never mind the conversation of bringing someone in. Fuck yall are so funny. Nah it's because I'd never betray someone who gave me respect. I'd never betray someone who treated me as a person. Who reached out to me first and said hey, can we be your friend? So what if your different. If you don't judge me I won't judge you. That's what I'm saying. 

These people don't have to try and they still win. You call me unintelligent and you can't even beat them at their shittiest flex. That's why I laugh at you. They allow you to come back and build yourselves up so you can take over. They don't care about their position. They don't even care that you blow up and talk shit. All you're doing is screaming until you're blue in the face. And you get mad when I am around them why? Is it because you're jealous? I mean you tear down a person enough. They'll tend to find their real people. People that'll come out from the shadows and point weapons. 

Although maybe it's unintional, when people use my name. Or when I'm trolled in the streets if I mention something. Do you see yourselves lasting long? No. 

But when I would mention to you all in the past, I had to endure and sit there and take it. But if roles were reversed. Nah you'd have shot first. It makes me wish Jerry was here. He was the same. He'd have shot you for treating his people like shit. So why are you mad now? None of you gave a fuck when I was being pushed around or disrespected. Loyalty my ass. It's more like you want people to join you so you can have body bags. I last longer with this regime, than I have with any other regime. I've met more real people than I have in all my life in this world. Let's not forget Joe lagambi. Nice guy. Goodness. He is a nice guy. He treats his people with such warmth it makes me wish that we all could build a hang out and visit every year or maybe three times a year. 

That's real bruh. That's reality. They don't care about this world. They'd rather die than shoot each other. 

Here's some honesty for you. When I was in ch, before they all died. Everytime I let you guys in, you all trolled the streets. Talk shit. Treated my kindness like it was a joke. You promised to respect me, and my city. But you didn't. Instead you either trolled other people, or you went in people's mobmails harassing people. Then the burger housing joke that we all make. He was left hand. He thought he'd use that to do a coup d'etat. We kept an eye on you. Yes. And the transistor called me a retard but you know as we were killing them. You know what my thoughts were? It was..you know if roles were reversed I'd have been shot for this bullshit. But I was so nice. Because I felt bad for you..but nah, I guess you can say I was an idiot. Cause I feel your ploy of trying to ruin ch. So I got tired of it. And as you were insulting me. We took you all out. Not even ass kissing. It's the honest truth. You were taken out because you are on the watch list. And you just gave us a reason plain and simple. 

Now back to me. Another reason I stay with this regime? Because after mid died, I was going to retire but then spike was like nah. We got to get to know her. She mad mid brag so I wanna know why. I won't say I'm the best person here. But I'd like to think while being influenced. I also influenced them. I won't say I'm their top of the list. But I'll tell you, they weren't the happiest when you all kept making a fool of me and ch. Kept killing me every two weeks. You know you all make ranger a martyr but let me tell you. That hypocrisy is hilarious. Because he wasn't loyal. He was good but he lied. About a lot of things. Nah, roguing out like that isn't slightly new and leaned the ropes on your own. Loyal isn't pretending to be someone your not. Loyal isn't lying to your friends and spouting bullshit. Lying isn't using people inside of the very same city you said you were loyal to to take out a person who gave you a home. Nah ranger didn't give as much as he said. And what he did give. It wasn't for loyalty. It was solidify his position. That's all it was. Let's be honest here. We didn't know each other from Adam. So why would he be working so hard. He wasn't trying to get to know us really. He wasn't keeping the crew active really. He was talking when others talked. He lied on his shot reports. So I mean if that's loyalty then I think you go back and check your definition of it. 

You all wanna go after Arianna. Let me say this. I have said this before. You don't need to be a leader to be in a leader position I've seen leaders just the face of who the actual leader is. We've seen this on multiple occasions. Why are you being hypocrites. I've seen some shameless regimes and I've seen some ass kissers. But this regime isn't it. I mean you can spout your bullshit on my name but let's get facts straight of you know about me. I say what the fuck I want to say. I do what I want to know. Even as I speak. No one knew I was going to do this or say this. And you know what I'm glad I did. If the gods take me out..then so be. If this regime takes me out then so be. But you know what. You all send me anon credits and bullshit. Acting like you know what the fuck you're talking about. And you don't. There's a saying. The closer you look, the more you miss. So take a step back and look at the whole picture. 

I've been harrassed, treated like a wallet, disrespect, even insulted. But this is the first regime. That gave people a voice. That gave people an actual reason to follow them so what if I die. It's part of this world. I mean sure it's annoying. But you know what, I'm not afraid to break out and go to war if I need to. This regime actually takes time to hang out with me. some of them sure can be assholes. Bur I've never been judged by anyone of them. I've been treated like a normal person. In Fact they want to get to know me as a person. Become my friend. Learn my interests. Just I do them. That's what family /friends do. Even if you think you know them, there is always something new to learn. They will fight, but they always make up. They will back you up in times of need. Hold your hand when you need, hug or some weird touch thing to give compassion and support. You've never done it for me. So when you say I'm an idiot stepping back up with them and I so called slaughtered..where were you when I asked you to be? When I needed you where you? Right no where to be found. So if you're going to wine and complain about this and that. Then instead of complain pick a strategy and beat them. Because I'm still racing against Riina. And I have goals to meet. So you can't kill them before I meet those goals. Okay? 

Also I stay with them, because outside of this world we check in, we play together, laugh and cry. Get angry, now in this world we go to war for each other. Outside we'd mostly destroy heaven and he'll for each other. Who knows. But you'll never know why? Because you aren't a shadow. That's who we are. We are the shadows. And I'm a shadow princess. 

or a shadow God. Who knows. Just like spike is morningwood elite prince. 

riina is the god of that. Mistletoe is his, cadhla is a bad bitch. SantoRubio is a goat. My cl is a who knows. Tiiyah is a crazy mofo. Spacepole is a spacepole. Is you want proper names ask spike. He can tell you every day. And me? I'm a shadow. And most definitely a skittle. Don't ever forget that. This is my family. And it keeps adding up oh and Von is a God of popularity and money and jtg is probably a God of guns..or is that Joe? Who knows. But got figure it out yourself. And go fucking find your own people. I found mine. It took awhile But there here. That's all that counts. Ugh made me say weird shit.” I paused finally. 

Taking a breath, I looked up and my backup all raised a brow and seemed a bit shocked. 

“So I mean if I'm unintelligent then what the fuck are you if you're a sore loser?” I paused taking another breath. 

I felt the adrenaline rush a little bit, I was shaking so hard, I thought my legs would give out. 

“So I mean if you think you know me? You don't. So don't try to define me to your society's rules. Cause I don't fit in with it. Let's get real here. I'm one fucking odd ball. But at least you can say I'm real. And I'll definitely be around to tell you to kindly fuck off..it's on my badge. Remember the three f's and you'll understand me just fine.” I paused like a riina and spike with a wicked grin to troll back. 

“isn't that right Senpai?” I asked with the biggest most cutest look ever 

And they all seemed to laugh as I turned and dipped into the shadows. Not saying a word, I could tell they were people shell shocked. Or maybe they were trying to figure out what I was thinking. Who knows. But what I do know is these people were pretty cool, and they were fun to be around, it was less boring finally. 

Adelin- I didn't listen to any of that but did you have anything to do with the demise is FatGrin?

I ain't reading all that. I'm happy for u tho. Or sorry that happened

Adelin-, sounds like you've been through a lot of tough times and seen some things go down. These streets can be brutal.

You're a tool and you go whichever the wind blows. You cannot think for yourself. You are so dead set on fitting in. Enjoy your future.