Hello dears, the purpose of this luncheon is to address the overdue RoboReport Ed.1. Yes, it is late. This is unfortunate, unprofessional, and apparently unnoticed by these other supposed newspapers that were so quick and callous to point it out. 

Regardless, I’ll not be deterred. I do not view silly remarks from inferior publications as a serious matter.  As a matter of fact, upon pottying, I used the Duck Bill and the Hunter Digest to wipe prior to pulling my 1930s undergarments back up from my slender ankles to back around my also-slender waist.  Both my back and front. I’ll leave it to your imaginations which one I used for which. 

But I digress, which is something commonly said around here improperly. The RoboReport inaugural edition was meant to be a homage to the late TheDonBot, who was making newspaper announcements long before I even thought to make one of my own. It will be released soon, true to TheDonBot’s original vision, with a few modifications of course. 

These modifications include the removal of the following former RoboReport staples:

Interview with a CrewLeader

Joke of The Week

Q&A with TheDonBot

Debate Of The Week

Business Of The Week

Business District State of Affairs

Under this new ownership, The RoboReport will be keeping the below features:

List of Notable Deaths

Lotteries 

The aforementioned removed features will be replaced with what this RoboReport reboot likes to call Featured Articles. Here’s an announcement of the headlines of what you can expect to see!

SHANE_STETSON BANNED FROM THE DUCK BILL!
 

MOBSTER ANTONIO-LANZA ROGUES; MISSES EVERY SHOT!!!

Stay tuned!

Now, keeping true to TheDonBot’s original vision, here’s an announcement of some other full-length articles you can expect to see from the below RoboReport legacy features.
 

Notable Deaths:

Ranger - Former Right Hand Man to Arianna from Chicago, he fell victim to what has been coined a Burgerhousing and went on a multi-day killing spree murdering many well respected mafioso, none of whom I recall. May the fallen of this senseless slaughter rest in peace. No witness statements necessary, sadly. This upcoming article is not going to be an endorsement for roguelike behavior. Ranger is just the only name I remember

Arianna - I have included Arianna to the upcoming RoboReport Notable Deaths section because she was my former Don and therefore the only victim notable to me. She sadly met her demise during the rampage of the rogue Ranger, coincidentally her own Right Hand Man. May my former leader Arianna rest in peace, and everyone be on the lookout for my upcoming memoirs “Chicago: Escaping a Death Cult” to be released soon.

Lotteries:

QuackersFeatherbeak (Full article coming soon).

Anywho, please don’t judge this too harshly. This is simply an announcement of my upcoming newspaper. Thank you all for attending my luncheon.